Her favorite film was ‘Out of Africa’.
I had misunderstood her
Her caustic manner
Her cantankerous demeanor
She had frightened me
But those three words changed all that
Insane Jane was misunderstood
Oh she was still a bitch
I couldn’t escape that fact
But one whose appreciation of subtle longing, a need for belonging
Meant she must be more than just snarl and gnarl
More than the angry sighs her tapping hands evoked
More than an office joke.
There was a pearl in there somewhere
Inside that shell
Within the creature who gave us hell.
I have only a puppy heart
Needs a leash.
It jumped on you as soon as it could
And you pet it for a while
Appreciated its effervescent nature
But that was just for Christmas
And now this heart is in the pound.
Pounding. Pounding. Pounding.
Waiting to come home again.
Waiting for you to play ball.
But time has run out
And I have been put down.
There is only silence when we’re together
In my heart and in my head.
No gaps between us to let echoes bounce and bound.
No slivers of space where splintering whispers can flay my nerves away.
When your skin is on mine
Hush. Hush. Hush.
An occasional hum.
An occasional groan.
But mostly blissful
When we’re alone.
I wanted to be neat and tidy.
No aches or pains.
Steady as she goes.
I needed to be light and fluffy
A breath of fresh air to replenish your soul.
And I was. For a while.
But like a burning photograph
The edges of me began to singe and smoulder
And slowly but surely I crumpled inwards
My gaping smile, fading… fading until
I was no more than smoke
That made you splutter and choke.
I can never be colour.
I will never shine bright
My soul is too close to the surface
Too close to the night.
Was it worth it ?
Heightening your nights
Adding shimmer and shine ?
Were they divine ?
Do you look back now in nostalgic haze
Do you long for those days
That ran into those nights
Like carriages in a crash
I was a good girl
No tabs for me
No artificial highs
And sometimes now I wonder
Why the fuck not?
Do I feel any more righteous
Did I escape the rot ?
Are my memories any sharper
My life more on track ?
I feel grey today
But I suppose it could be black.
Let’s go out you said
And we were both afraid
You flinched a little.
Outside was the world
Large and absurd
We had our den
Pizza on the bed, coffee on the floor
A little less, a whole lot more
Twisted in bed sheets and things unsaid
Warm with potential.
Outside there were eyes. Wide and surprised.
My oh my and oh how you lied.
So maybe let’s stay in a while longer
The world can wait until we’re a little bit stronger.
I told you I loved you
While you were still inside me
And I think I felt you shrivel.
Stabbing me with a blunted knife
Oh God the pain.
Why ? Why? Why ?
This compulsion to seek revulsion ?
What do you mean love ?
That’s what you said.
Would the right definition make you say it back ?
It’s too late now. I won’t say it again.
I rolled away from you and left the room. Your house. Your life.
But those pitying eyes … ?
They are all I remember