There is only silence when we’re together
In my heart and in my head.
No gaps between us to let echoes bounce and bound.
No slivers of space where splintering whispers can flay my nerves away.
When your skin is on mine
Hush. Hush. Hush.
An occasional hum.
An occasional groan.
But mostly blissful
When we’re alone.
I have only a puppy heart
Needs a leash.
It jumped on you as soon as it could
And you pet it for a while
Appreciated its effervescent nature
But that was just for Christmas
And now this heart is in the pound.
Pounding. Pounding. Pounding.
Waiting to come home again.
Waiting for you to play ball.
But time has run out
And I have been put down.
I wanted to be neat and tidy.
No aches or pains.
Steady as she goes.
I needed to be light and fluffy
A breath of fresh air to replenish your soul.
And I was. For a while.
But like a burning photograph
The edges of me began to singe and smoulder
And slowly but surely I crumpled inwards
My gaping smile, fading… fading until
I was no more than smoke
That made you splutter and choke.
I can never be colour.
I will never shine bright
My soul is too close to the surface
Too close to the night.
Was it worth it ?
Heightening your nights
Adding shimmer and shine ?
Were they divine ?
Do you look back now in nostalgic haze
Do you long for those days
That ran into those nights
Like carriages in a crash
I was a good girl
No tabs for me
No artificial highs
And sometimes now I wonder
Why the fuck not?
Do I feel any more righteous
Did I escape the rot ?
Are my memories any sharper
My life more on track ?
I feel grey today
But I suppose it could be black.
Let’s go out you said
And we were both afraid
You flinched a little.
Outside was the world
Large and absurd
We had our den
Pizza on the bed, coffee on the floor
A little less, a whole lot more
Twisted in bed sheets and things unsaid
Warm with potential.
Outside there were eyes. Wide and surprised.
My oh my and oh how you lied.
So maybe let’s stay in a while longer
The world can wait until we’re a little bit stronger.
I told you I loved you
While you were still inside me
And I think I felt you shrivel.
Stabbing me with a blunted knife
Oh God the pain.
Why ? Why? Why ?
This compulsion to seek revulsion ?
What do you mean love ?
That’s what you said.
Would the right definition make you say it back ?
It’s too late now. I won’t say it again.
I rolled away from you and left the room. Your house. Your life.
But those pitying eyes … ?
They are all I remember
I wrote them for you.
Some of my best work
But you’re not vain just blind
You didn’t think those songs were about you.
And though you felt the sentiments my words evoked
It wasn’t my face you saw
How cruel this world
You told me you were such a fan
And I wanted to say it back.
But I refuse to reveal my muse.
So I watched you dance around the room
A big silly smile on your face
And though my heart was breaking
Crumbling away little by little
My soul knew it was being fed
More melodies than I could ever wish for.