Please don’t call me lazy
I know I’ve been on the couch all day
But I have been running around
Lost and never found.
These thoughts of mine are more tiring than you can imagine
They keep me here.
Trapped in fear.
Please don’t call me lazy.
I know I’m not dressed. I know I’m a mess.
Today I am bathed in anxiety and stress.
Putting on clothes for what ? For who ? For you ?
I’m not lazy. I’m not.
I’m in a bad spot.
Where everything I try is just too fucking much.
Where everything I touch
Turns to shit.
Don’t call me lazy.
But do call me crazy.
Because that’s how I feel.
That’s more real.
And although you may not relate
It’s a more honest state.
Crazy is better than lazy
If lazy even exists.
But there is a shimmer. There is a light..
Today I write.
You will haunt me forever
For sending me to the brink
For making me think
I was losing my mind
Was I ? Did I ?
I still hold onto your words
Which seem absurd now
That’s what I do when it comes to you.
I will always look for answers in your silence
It’s not golden
Oh I wish I had never started it
But then why do I still look for you ?
I tripped over your disapproval today
It was on the floor and in the air
I breathed it in and out
It coated the bones and veins of me
Made me sluggish, afraid to move.
I couldn’t get past it
I couldn’t leave the house
It’s vice like fingers dug into my shoulder
Oh I wish I was bolder.
I wish I could kick instead of trip
The tip of your tongue
Is moments away from the core of me.
Your warm breath on my inner leg
Radiates inwards, upwards.
Your hand splayed on my stomach
Is all the comfort I will ever need.
All aspects of you are linked to me
In those heady moments.
But I am wrong.
I was wrong.
Your mind was elsewhere.
You are elsewhere.
Stay with me
Don’t go back to her
Don’t take your hand from my hip
Your brow from my lip.
Stay all day
Because when you leave
I am other
While now I am it
As your fingers play with my…..
I felt the cutting in my blood
A little sharp tingling and suddenly more
My guts spilled out
All over the floor.
Sharing my innards with the world
Absurd. Absurd. Absurd.
The beautiful skin I’m in… is gone
Now all you can ever see
Are the grimy, slimy, workings of me.
This inexplicable desire to share
Makes me in-human
So please beware.
I will spill my guts on the floor
You’ll want less because I give more.
It doesn’t pour but it will always rain
When you show the world your inner pain.