Please don’t call me lazy
I know I’ve been on the couch all day
But I have been running around
Lost and never found.
These thoughts of mine are more tiring than you can imagine
They keep me here.
Trapped in fear.
Please don’t call me lazy.
I know I’m not dressed. I know I’m a mess.
Today I am bathed in anxiety and stress.
Putting on clothes for what ? For who ? For you ?
I’m not lazy. I’m not.
I’m in a bad spot.
Where everything I try is just too fucking much.
Where everything I touch
Turns to shit.
Don’t call me lazy.
But do call me crazy.
Because that’s how I feel.
That’s more real.
And although you may not relate
It’s a more honest state.
Crazy is better than lazy
If lazy even exists.
But there is a shimmer. There is a light..
Today I write.
You will haunt me forever
For sending me to the brink
For making me think
I was losing my mind
Was I ? Did I ?
I still hold onto your words
Which seem absurd now
That’s what I do when it comes to you.
I will always look for answers in your silence
It’s not golden
Oh I wish I had never started it
But then why do I still look for you ?
The tip of your tongue
Is moments away from the core of me.
Your warm breath on my inner leg
Radiates inwards, upwards.
Your hand splayed on my stomach
Is all the comfort I will ever need.
All aspects of you are linked to me
In those heady moments.
But I am wrong.
I was wrong.
Your mind was elsewhere.
You are elsewhere.
Stay with me
Don’t go back to her
Don’t take your hand from my hip
Your brow from my lip.
Stay all day
Because when you leave
I am other
While now I am it
As your fingers play with my…..
I felt the cutting in my blood
A little sharp tingling and suddenly more
My guts spilled out
All over the floor.
Sharing my innards with the world
Absurd. Absurd. Absurd.
The beautiful skin I’m in… is gone
Now all you can ever see
Are the grimy, slimy, workings of me.
This inexplicable desire to share
Makes me in-human
So please beware.
I will spill my guts on the floor
You’ll want less because I give more.
It doesn’t pour but it will always rain
When you show the world your inner pain.
Oh silver lining
Please keep shining
Come and meet me. Greet me.
I have looked for you for hours
But you are locked in towers.
Doors of lead are stronger than you.
And those clouds are black without you
Full of water, full of soak
And I’m just a joke
My eyes searching for the glimmer
That hopeful shimmer
That will let me see tomorrow
That will allow me to live
Oh silver lining. Give. Give.
You said I was kind
As I gave him a few coins on the way to lunch.
You said I was generous
Because I bought him coffee on a cold day.
But I’m not that kind.
I’m just on a thin ledge between his world and mine
Too aware I could lose it all today
The anxiety and depression could take it all away.
So believe me
That when I give
I also take.
I take away the hope.
That one day if I’m sitting where he is
Shivering in my dark world.
A hand might reach out to me.
And that hand might be yours
But it will also be mine.
I’m frozen here again
Of what exactly ?
What’s so damn terrifying?
The faces. The faces. The faces.
They float in front of me.
Full of pity.
Worse .. are the rolling eyes.
Sick again. Again. Again.
I watch TV and for a second I forget.
Forget this mind that shackles me to the floor.
My spirit gets up and walks out the door.
But that’s just for a moment, that passes by
I’m still on the couch waiting to die.
I fought a good fight
But tonight I need to rest
Lay my head against your chest.
I need to stop for a while
Caus I won’t be any good
Without that gentle
I can fight again tomorrow
I will get up again and start
But for now, just for now
I need your precious heart.