I fought this grey with every inch of my pink scarf
With every morsel of my orange bag
I tried to push through opaque
Waft past the fog
But I was outnumbered by endless cloud.
It clogged the soul of me
Dampened down any colour you might see
I faded into the mist
I will clamber through the ages
Search through infinite pages
Sift through songs
Get it all wrong
Over and over and over
Again and again and again
Until the bittersweet end
For you I have no shame
Just endless,senseless pain
For a shrug and a sigh
I will try and try and try.
Will you ever try to forgive?
So that I might actually live.
You look like you just fell out of bed
Your morning breath and messy head
You’re smiling though which is good sign
So maybe today we might be fine.
Oh no. Wait. Damn.
You think I’m not looking.
Your smile is gone.
You’re just a bag of bones under that grin
And there’s nothing I can do.
Nothing I can say to make it right.
I’m sorry your world is so hard
That every day is a shard
Into your sad soul.
You don’t greet the day
You are a reluctant passenger on this sphere
Is your end near?
Every time I leave you, I say goodbye.
‘I’m great thanks, I really think I have a handle on it, this time.’
I smiled and hoped she wouldn’t see the lack of twinkle in my eye
The lack of soul. It had gone away for the day.
Nothing happening here.
I was a shell on a chair.
All I could do was stare.
She has pity and I feel shitty.
I don’t want to seem weak… bleak.
I only give the tip of the berg
But there are mountains in this deep sea
To get to the real me.
Unexplored and dark.
Better leave it alone.
Don’t you think ?
Better not to sink.
Stay afloat. Stay afloat.
‘I’m fine thanks’.
What a beautiful cloak those words are.
I nestle into them well.
But underneath I’m naked.
‘Oh you’re a wiry one’
She would say this without malice but the words hurt all the same.
Did she mean sharp? I have a sharp tongue I’m told and it slices strips off you.
Maybe she meant that I could never sit still
That there was a tremor in my blood
Electricity always running through my core
Well I tell you, I’m electric no more.
‘Is there a pulse?’ I hear this in the distance but all I see is her face and slow thud of my heart fading.
‘ A wiry one’. I smile inside.
I’ll ask her what she meant.
I am writing this post to highlight the effect contraceptive pills can have on your mental health. Ladies I’m not dissuading you from contraception but rather asking you to be aware of the effects it can have on your moods and not be afraid to try various options until you find the right one. ‘May cause mood swings’ sounds so benign but based on my personal experiences those mood swings can make you and break you:
It’s just a pill.. try it and see
But that pill could break me
The world can turn black on that little white sphere
You don’t understand?
You’ve seen ‘The Matrix’?
Well it’s the same… ish
I mean this pill has powers to change my world
To remove the illusion of the life I lead
It can create pools of bubbling anger I never knew I had
Make the green eyed monster appear.
But I’m no ‘Neo’
When I’m in it , I can’t fight.
Can’t see the light.
So no it’s not just a pill
It’s not just a mood swing
It’s is the pendulum and I am in the pit.
Mahler was playing.
Suddenly I knew who I was.
I know what you are.
Boy. Forever boy.
I the decrepit voyeur,
Gazing upon your beauty.
Grazing upon your strength.
You will never see me…
We can never be
You will always frolic in the sea.
The sun caressing your golden hair
While I long to be the beams .. the water, the air.
Instead I am beached whale on a deck chair
Life has made its cruel marks on my visage
While your look perfect comme les nuages
You skim through life without a care
Forever young. Forever fair.
Oh silly me. Silly rabbit.
Gorging on you is my ridiculous habit.
I’ve eaten too much I clutch at my chest
The sun is setting
Probably for the best.