Did you notice when it finally quit?
Even just a little bit?
You must have felt a chill?
Maybe you were lighter around the shoulders
Springier of step?
When my love for you finally lapsed.
I know I felt lighter but no chill for me.
The heat I emitted was finally free.
To light my soul and eyes again
To stop its searching for an uninhabitable den.
Those months of wasted yearning
Those endless nights of fuel-less burning
Are over now. I will disarm
My love for you
Will no longer keep you warm.
I look for comfort in billowing spume.
Thunderous. Luminous. Vicious.
Circular motion then thundering roar
That’s where my heart can soar.
That body. That body.
That mass. Oh my.
I can barely hear the seagulls cry.
I seek comfort in it’s swishy gurgle
Its undulating moves.
Its undertow , high and low.
I can ride this beast
But can never conquer it’s swell.
I’m driftwood .
Bobbing. Bobbing. Babbling.
Rushing to shore. Rushing to shore.
Then poof….. No more.
No more me.
Only soft yellow sands
Formed from a million things that were once tough as rock.
But are now full of footprints.
What is a biscuit made, without you to taste it?
Sheets changed without you to loll in their fresh glory?
What is a dance in the kitchen
Without you to tease me.. please me.
A walk in the woods
How is it made good?
Tell me this. Tell me more.
I beg. I implore.
I cannot see the point without you.
Lots of dark clouds. No blue.
But sometimes when I stop and taste the soup
Smell the candle burning
I stop yearning.
I forgot to say I love you
Forgot to show you the true blood that runs in these veins.
I omitted to kiss you
My hands hovered close to your back but never made contact.
There was a wall you see?
Between you and me
All the bricks are made of things unsaid and over said
Dig. Dig. Dig.
We built that wall.Made its foundation.
But not side by side
We dug at each other.
The dirt spreading out around us.
When did you move to the other side?
I wish memories were paintings that I could hang on this wall
Then maybe it would fall and so would we.
Back when touching you was as easy as the breeze.
Back to when you were on your knees
But so was I.
And we stared at the sky instead of the stone.
When I didn’t feel alone.
Let’s put away our spades
Let’s stop our excavation
Because all we’ll find are bones
And they’re best left to the soil
Not for us to toil
What are you trying to tell me, universe?
Please speak to me. Make me see.
Just as I think the last drop of him is gone
Just as I pat myself on the back and guzzle down a drink of happiness
Then all my certainty is gone again.
All the things I promised …
Well they just go.
What does he see I wonder?
But if he could look inside.
He would see the the swirling galaxies of my soul
And he would know that there are depths to me
That he chooses to ignore
Chose to shut me out.
But I know enough to try and learn
That from this yearn this never ending burn
There’s something to be gained
I’m being trained
By powers greater than me
And definitely bigger than him.
So I suppose next time he crosses my path
Next time he passes me by.
I won’t just ask why?
But how? And why now?
Maybe then. Just maybe
It will all make sense.