I read novels in your silences
Epic tales of lovers falling at your feet
Every outing writhing with temptation
Every return home, a fall onto a messy bed.
The longer you are away
The more the silence looms deeper
The chasm is full of things unsaid
Messages read, reread
Over and over and over.
Things that you might never tell me
Char my flesh
Soon I will be a burnt-out corpse
Waiting. Hating . Hating me. Hating you.
Then suddenly I hear the ping.
‘I had no signal…sorry.’
I dream of waves
Inconsolable water that knows no forgiveness
It’s coming you see.
The big one.
Do you dream of it too ?
It will toss and turn us
Hurl us away.
You and your big house
Me in my flat.
All of this. All of that.
The roar. The gurgle.
Stop. Stop it now.
I’m peeling already.
Swirling bits of me unraveling onto the floor
If you don’t desist
My segments will spread
Soon I will be untethered
A pulpy mess.
No waxy exterior to make me shine.
All you will see are the pips.
Don’t peel me if you can’t handle the bitter and the sweet.
Have a banana instead.
I wanted to say I love you
The words stuck in my craw
Too soon. Too much. Too soon.
The bursting need to utter them
Stammer. Stammer. Stammer.
The words were a hammer in my soul.
How overwhelming this fire, this desire
I couldn’t lie with you and lie to you
Pretend you are less when you are more
So much more.
How can this be ?
I l ooo…. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t.
So I stare at you in terrible silence
Daring you to say it first
Read my mind, fool!
But you just smile
And I fall deeper.
You pilfered it clear out from under me
Swift as swift you are
Ninja moves and pow you had it
You had me.
How could I have been so foolish?
Your eyes. It was there all along.
Smiling eyes, that’s what I thought.
Laughing. They were laughing.
I deserve it this time.
I should have known better.
Better. Better. Better.
“I hate labels”
I must have said that in a previous life.
Careful what you wish for.
Now I long to be pinned and defined
Please tell me who I am once and for all.
As it is I’m not one thing or another
Not human not mother
Not healthy not sick
Before my blurred lines dissolve into nothing.
So I can stop longing for approval
From sources that never offer it
So go on. Put that sticker on.
Place me in a jar.
My ingredients on the back
At least then I can sit calmly on the shelf
Instead of loose as a lentil or a worse
Crimson kick to the gut
I should have seen it coming
Ouch. Blissful pain.
Again. Again. Again.
But more than a kick
Gentle on my soul
Rocking it back and forth
Lulling us to sleep
Rock a bye me. Rock a bye you.
Can you kiss my temple again ?
Can you squeeze my soles
I thought all parts of me has been touched
I was wrong.
You fill up the venuoles
You surf on my lymph
Render me nymph.
Smooth me over. Make me new.
I’m still jagged from the last one.
Still afraid of lying fingers.
But you don’t subtract from me.
You give. You add.