So I have two choices
Not sure which to do
Play a game
Or remain true
Treat you mean to keep you here
Or be myself and evoke fear
Will I text you first today?
Is this just a silly game I think we play?
But you play it too, I know you must
I guess I have issues involving trust.
So let’s pause a moment and decide
Do I reveal my love or let it hide
Part of me feels if you really were true
I wouldn’t be sitting here wondering what to do
You used to be eager my dear lover
So this silence thing feels like it’s over.
The key this time is to try and remain
Slightly more normal, a lot less insane.
Every aspect of me is sensitive
The rubbing of a sock on my little toe
My innards if I ingest unsuitable morsels
Every speck is on hurt alert
It’s no wonder that
As I tread carefully
Then so must you
Every word you utter or don’t
Every touch you give or withhold
Can be beautiful fire or barbed wire
I’m not in between so please don’t be
Love me gently but with strength behind it
Gentle pressure. No sharp digs.
I’m not saying I’m covered in cotton wool
But I ought to be.
So easy there tiger before you rub
You are all grown but I’m just a cub.
I can’t be anything other than this
Over -think. Over-share. Over myself.
I try you know.
Be better. Be less…. just be
It’s so hard you see
To have a million judges sitting at your mouth
Those gavels bang a steady rhythm in my skin
I just want to crawl out of it
Be a newborn me.
Oh the silliness that I show
Is nothing like me at all
Folly. Fool. Uncool.
This constant compulsion
Of verbal expulsion
Shut. Me. Up.
But sometimes when the light is not too bright
Or the mirror too harsh
I think maybe it’s ok
To be this way
That out there the strong silent type
Is longing to be
Someone like me.
Will we always slither around
Sliding over barren ground?
Will you always tease my skin
Then turn away afraid to sin?
Will I always long for this
Less than a caress more than a hiss?
Will the sun that heats my blood
Heat yours too and make it good?
Will the skin we shed and shake
Make us more human and much less snake.
Will we ever be rid of this terrible curse
Of being unable, to be an ‘Us’.
What hope have we? No matter how hard we try
Our devious ways will make her cry.
Do they know it ? Do they?
Sense death at the door
That this life and world will be no more?
Do they start thinking differently about their friends
Something inside knowing it’s the end
Start to get their affairs in order
Before they reach the final border.
Does the wind blow differently?
Does the sun shine brighter?
Perhaps the earth knows
It will be one soul lighter.
Are there symptoms of death
Do they whisper in your ear
Telling you the end is near?
I have to ask. I have no choice.
I think I’ve heard the reaper’s voice.
Stop. Stop it now.
I’m peeling already.
Swirling bits of me unraveling onto the floor
If you don’t desist
My segments will spread
Soon I will be untethered
A pulpy mess.
No waxy exterior to make me shine.
All you will see are the pips.
Don’t peel me if you can’t handle the bitter and the sweet.
Have a banana instead.
I log the hours, minutes,seconds to my soul
Counting, countless moments
All etched in vein , trampled by pulse after pulse after pulse
I can sleep a billion nights and still feel tired
I would hug the cells of you if I could
Kiss every nucleus of your living skin
I would never tire of that
But you are not here
And so every step is a million miles
Every breath made of fire
That burns. That yearns.
I cannot feel the passing of my weary life
But I can tick it off on paper
Tick. Tick.Tick .
As if everything was right.
I won’t know it’s over
Until I’m covered in clover
That I can count on.
Oh how lovely. How liberating.
I change my mind. I can stop.
This love thing has a pause.
My heart has become elastic.
I can stretch it over your face then
Just like you have.
I don’t have to sink deeper
I can grab a branch. Pull myself out.
Whoosh. Suck. Whoosh.
Out I come from whatever this was.
Not covered in goo but grain.
Quicksand after-all. No slime.
Oh my how I’ve changed .
My mind. My life. My way of loving.
It’s better this way.
Better for me.
But the funny thing is when I walk away.
You always follow.
I dream of waves
Inconsolable water that knows no forgiveness
It’s coming you see.
The big one.
Do you dream of it too ?
It will toss and turn us
Hurl us away.
You and your big house
Me in my flat.
All of this. All of that.
The roar. The gurgle.
You pilfered it clear out from under me
Swift as swift you are
Ninja moves and pow you had it
You had me.
How could I have been so foolish?
Your eyes. It was there all along.
Smiling eyes, that’s what I thought.
Laughing. They were laughing.
I deserve it this time.
I should have known better.
Better. Better. Better.
“I hate labels”
I must have said that in a previous life.
Careful what you wish for.
Now I long to be pinned and defined
Please tell me who I am once and for all.
As it is I’m not one thing or another
Not human not mother
Not healthy not sick
Before my blurred lines dissolve into nothing.
So I can stop longing for approval
From sources that never offer it
So go on. Put that sticker on.
Place me in a jar.
My ingredients on the back
At least then I can sit calmly on the shelf
Instead of loose as a lentil or a worse