So I have two choices
Not sure which to do
Play a game
Or remain true
Treat you mean to keep you here
Or be myself and evoke fear
Will I text you first today?
Is this just a silly game I think we play?
But you play it too, I know you must
I guess I have issues involving trust.
So let’s pause a moment and decide
Do I reveal my love or let it hide
Part of me feels if you really were true
I wouldn’t be sitting here wondering what to do
You used to be eager my dear lover
So this silence thing feels like it’s over.
The key this time is to try and remain
Slightly more normal, a lot less insane.
You’re pushing me
One more inch and I’ll be over that wall
One more pinch
Another layer will form.
So do it if you dare
Turn your back on me
But when you look back
You will see nothing but a tower
And I won’t let down my hair.
I wanted to say I love you
The words stuck in my craw
Too soon. Too much. Too soon.
The bursting need to utter them
Stammer. Stammer. Stammer.
The words were a hammer in my soul.
How overwhelming this fire, this desire
I couldn’t lie with you and lie to you
Pretend you are less when you are more
So much more.
How can this be ?
I l ooo…. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t.
So I stare at you in terrible silence
Daring you to say it first
Read my mind, fool!
But you just smile
And I fall deeper.
Every aspect of me is sensitive
The rubbing of a sock on my little toe
My innards if I ingest unsuitable morsels
Every speck is on hurt alert
It’s no wonder that
As I tread carefully
Then so must you
Every word you utter or don’t
Every touch you give or withhold
Can be beautiful fire or barbed wire
I’m not in between so please don’t be
Love me gently but with strength behind it
Gentle pressure. No sharp digs.
I’m not saying I’m covered in cotton wool
But I ought to be.
So easy there tiger before you rub
You are all grown but I’m just a cub.
I can’t be anything other than this
Over -think. Over-share. Over myself.
I try you know.
Be better. Be less…. just be
It’s so hard you see
To have a million judges sitting at your mouth
Those gavels bang a steady rhythm in my skin
I just want to crawl out of it
Be a newborn me.
Oh the silliness that I show
Is nothing like me at all
Folly. Fool. Uncool.
This constant compulsion
Of verbal expulsion
Shut. Me. Up.
But sometimes when the light is not too bright
Or the mirror too harsh
I think maybe it’s ok
To be this way
That out there the strong silent type
Is longing to be
Someone like me.
Will we always slither around
Sliding over barren ground?
Will you always tease my skin
Then turn away afraid to sin?
Will I always long for this
Less than a caress more than a hiss?
Will the sun that heats my blood
Heat yours too and make it good?
Will the skin we shed and shake
Make us more human and much less snake.
Will we ever be rid of this terrible curse
Of being unable, to be an ‘Us’.
What hope have we? No matter how hard we try
Our devious ways will make her cry.