I thought we had movie love
The kiss in the rain feel no pain kind
Run down the streets shouting my name
Fight monsters and beasts
Just to see me.
But no ever-after, for us .
Ours is the tragic kind
The one you wish you could rewind
Less flame more fog
The sad, silent type of film
And I’m not sure if you’re speaking
Or if I need subtitles
And it’s all just too much to watch
I want to look away
But my eyes are glued to this scene
Will it ever end ?
Reeling.Reeling. I’m reeling.
You took down the fairylights
And I didn’t know what to say.
How could I explain to you the need for those little buds of soft glowing light ?
And I don’t say ‘need’ lightly.
You know this time of year is hard for me
You know the opaque clouds that fill the sky ?
Well they fill me too.
Those lights were my solace
A twinkle in the drab grey that permeates every cavity of this godforsaken soul.
But you bundled them up tightly and put them away
They made the place look messy
But I’m the one who is here all day
Don’t I have a say ?
Don’t take away my light
Don’t leave me in the dark
There is a cold wind howling
And a shadow at the door.
You’re very aware of your “too muchness” He said.
“Much too much” I replied
I’m much too emotional
Much too intense
Much too mad
Much too sad
It’s all too much you know ?
But for who ? For me ? For you?
What about too less ? Isn’t that worse ?
Much more of a curse?
I suppose he’s right.
I suppose more is better
Then why do I feel less ?
I don’t have time to plant flowers
Or paint my kitchen blue
I don’t have the patience to bake a cake
I’m too busy to take a bath.
I realised then you absorb colour
From the world. From me.
I gave it out without a thought.
These little pleasures came easy
The smell of coffee in the morning
Candles late at night
These things were scaffolding for my fragile senses
They keep the grey at bay
But for you the world was made of sturdier stuff
And you had no need for sculpted glass.
I’m not saying you’re crass but you’re not as gentle as I thought.
So I will keep filling this world with rainbows
But you won’t find my gold.
You planted flowers.
There was nothing but concrete and grey
God that grey. Suffocating. Stifling grey.
And wretched looking people and their wretched looking pets
Another siren in the distance.
But you planted flowers.
And I was on the bus
And though you don’t know me
I feel somehow you do.
So please keep them watered
Because it matters .
It matters to me.
NO we can’t be friends
Why would you even ask ?
When you know that your skin beside mine
Is nothing short of water to a parched tree
I can’t just pretend to like you
It would all seep out in the end
No you are lover not friend.
My hands can’t shake yours
Nor my lips mutter pleasantries
When inside I’m a cavern of want
You will haunt
But better as a memory …please
Friendship is just a tease.
Thanks you guys
You have taught me well
This messing me around shit
Has given me Hell.
Will he reply ? Will he text?
What’s happening now ?
What happens next?
Thanks y’all for making me feel crazy
The last few years are somewhat hazy
Constant confusion , up and down moods
Wondering how anyone could be so rude?
But still I thank you
Because now you see
I too can be a player
Not just a playee.
This karma thing it really works
So lashings of gratitude to all you jerks.
All I want to do is sleep
Because being without you is being stuck to the hands of a clock
I feel every second jolt my core
Time isn’t like before.
It used to fly. Remember?
Just yesterday I floated on weightless sand
Upside down in an hourglass
Then right back up again.
Now it’s just circles.
And they never fucking end.
Barnacles of guilt cling to my underbelly
Ugly protrusions that only I can see
They form the frame of me
This terrible guilt. This terrible guilt.
I wish. I wish. I wish I were a fish.
What’s the point of wishing ?
Better to go fishing.
I’m no ordinary vessel though
I’m tethered to the shore
Forever wanting more
The salty water is furrowing my bow
The seagulls laughing because I hold no plunder
No electricity here.
I hear whales singing or rather I feel it in my neck
My hull.my skull.
Echoes of all the wrongs I ever did
The ones I hid
They re the ones that stick
Gouge them off with a sharp blade ?
You think I haven’t tried?
Water laps at the edges of me. A little acid from a world gone mad for things that never fade.
Eroding my core. Reminding me I’m a wh….
The rope is taking longer to fray
Soon I’ll be a skeleton ship.
Tied at the hip.
Soon I’ll be a frame. Only a frame
With creatures chewing my brain.
Those barnacles though. Well they ‘ll just cling to some other thing. Something good.
Rock not wood.
I split my heart in two.
This is no mean feat
It isn’t just cutting meat.
There is a hacking, a gnawing
A cracking of what was whole
And I have become a child again
Learning to use these new organs
Uncertain whether I should have made the first cut.
A sliver may have been wiser
Less to chew. Unlikely to choke.
A girl with two hearts
Is a bit of a joke.
Ok it’s time to retreat
Pull back woman for God’s sake.
You have your own personal Groundhog day.
Use it. Remember. Learn.
You put your heart on your sleeve
So let him simmer. Let him wonder.
Don’t tear your own life asunder.
Let it be. Just wait in the long grass.
You do it so well when you don’t really care
It may not be fun
But if you push
He will run.
Maybe it’s better if he does
I cry alone in the kitchen
Soft burbles on the outside
Giant blubbering within.
I can’t let him see what has happened my heart
He never even knew it was gone.
Wretched. Wicked. Wrecked.
The smell of burnt rice reminds me of my place
So I wipe my face
Breathe deeply, stop the whines
It is after all Valentine’s.