I wanted to get far away from you child
From your red eyes, your running nose
I wanted to run too.
But away, away, away.
Away from your tears and your brother’s too.
Away from him. Away from you.
I can’t bear it you see?
All that grief. All that pain
I can’t hold it in, can’t explain.
And I feel myself blowing up like those fish.
And it’s not my place to cry.
My father didn’t die.
It’s not mine to take away from you.
Not my sad story this time.
So I must leave.
Not because I don’t want to hold you.
Not because my heart doesn’t ache for your sad eyes
But because my body can’t behave like others and stay calm
Because your grief is mine too
Your loss mine to see and feel
Because he held your hands everyday
As I do my son on the way to school
And because we walked past you every day and waved.
He formed a familiar background to the daily grind.
His eyes were warm, his smile was kind.
So now you know why I must run.
Not for me
I run for you. For your brother. Your mother.
I run away, away, away.
I run from the desolate grief you hold.
I run because you can’t.
I run or else I’ll fold.