I wanted to say I love you

I wanted to say I love you

The words stuck in my craw

Too soon. Too much. Too soon.

The bursting need to utter them

Stutter them.

Stammer. Stammer. Stammer.

The words were a hammer in my soul.

How overwhelming this fire, this desire

I couldn’t lie with you and lie to you

Pretend you are less when you are more

So much more.

How can this be ?

I l ooo…. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t.

So I stare at you in terrible silence

Daring you to say it first

Read my mind, fool!

But you just smile

And I fall deeper.

(C) Slumpless

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Do WHAT you can, WHEN you can

I fell asleep last night on the couch at 8 pm (Like a boss)! My husband and son worked their way around me and I knew I should wake up. I knew I should try to wash the dishes, put a wash on. But I couldn’t.

Had I run a marathon ? Had I been cleaning all day ? Nope. I was exhausted plain and simple. Except it’s predictably cliched in that it’s never simple and I always feel so fucking guilty.

I had such good intentions for this last week. I wanted to clean more, walk more , write more, pack more boxes for our imminent move. Be more sprite than shite. Instead I had back pain, dizzy spells and always encroaching exhaustion.

That was my bad Endometriosis week. And I’m lucky. The pain was not agonizing like I’ve heard it can be for others. But the dizziness … and the lack of energy. Well these are the things that disrupt my life. And I try the tough love on myself. I’m not going easy on myself. This was another comment from a helpful family member.

Easy on myself? She doesn’t know me at all !

Anyway less ranting this week.

Instead let me tell you about my visit to a friend who has Endo. Way more severe than me. She can’t have kids and her ovary is fused to her stomach. But she had more compassion and understanding for me than anyone I know ( Bar my wonderful husband and Bff- I am very lucky). I will leave you with her words of true Endo wisdom:

“Don’t fookin apologise for yourself, don’t look for validation of your illness from anyone else and don’t waste your little energy trying to please people.

Do WHAT you can , WHEN you can and fuck em.

She is my guru. xxx

Thanks for reading. Hope you are doing the best you can when you can and if not the best … that’s fucking ok too 😀

(c) Slumpless

Sweet Streets

How sweet the pavement seemed today

I licked it as I walked.

Consumed the lemon light

It’s zesty beams resting lightly in my mouth.

I’m leaving you see..

And nothing makes the street seem sweeter

Than knowing that soon I will walk it no more

Those trudging,weighted steps of yesterday

Seem so far away.

A hop, skip and a lump in my throat

I will miss the smiling man on his bike

The old, shuffling lady with her bowled over gait

And most of all,

I will miss you.

The streets where you live.

Where your candy kisses coated my tongue

And your sherbert eyes still fizzle in my brain.

(C) Slumpless

Bigger Me

Where do I draw the line ?

When does being the bigger person, make you feel small ?

Another apology on righteous ears

To stop my tears ?

Is it brave to forgive ?

Better to forget and live ?

Maybe courage is just letting go

Of something old,borrowed and blue.

You.

(C) Slumpless

Chronic Me ( ‘You don’t seem sick’)

Hi all

Up to now I have kept my posts poetic however today I delve a little deeper and hope you will join me on this journey. I have had a shit show of a month where everything that could go wrong did.. and basically this seems to be the cycle my life is in.

There are a million reasons for this but I am going to address what I see is the main one and hope that this helps other people going through something similar.

First let me point out that just because my story isn’t a cookie cutter version of yours, doesn’t mean we can’t feel the same.

I say this because I have been looking all over the net for similar versions of my illness but seem to fail at even being sick enough 😀 this is doing nothing for my self-esteem!

Basically I have endometriosis which is where scar tissue (similar to the lining of the uterus) grows where it shouldn’t. This is not the most in depth explanation but that’s not the important part for me.

The part that matters is how I feel and the impact this illness has had on my life and relationships.

I am picking this time in my life because I really feel I have had to justify myself over and over to people especially family.

I also suffer from depression and I am not sure whether this is a result of having a chronic illness or just an unrelated issue all of its own. My search for approval of my illness and for people to believe me, has done nothing but make me feel desperate and alone.

Andthe bloody awful thing is that there are days when I feel I am going mad. And for me it’s not just awful pain which I get in my lower back coming up to my period or the horrible dizzy spells or the terrible bowel problems I suffer from. ( “Vague symptoms” which is the latest contribution from a family member- they don’t seem vague to me I tells ya !!!)

It’s that feeling of never being a ‘reliable’ human.

I have had to leave jobs because of this illness.I have had an eating disorder as I thought I could control my illness through food and became obsessed. I have lain on my couch with zero energy feeling like the laziest person in the world.

‘ But you don’t seem sick when I see you’

No I tend to avoid you when I am unwell because over the years it has become embarrassing to have to say ‘ yes I am sick again… yes really’. So no I don’t seem sick when we meet but ask yourself how many times I have ‘flaked’ on you?

Anyway this is just an opening rant and introduction and I will tackle all the various aspects of it as time goes by and things that I find help me with both physical and mental symptoms. The poetry has definitely been an outlet but I hope that this is more of a tangible post on a chronic illness. Just because I’m not screaming in pain doesn’t mean the impact of having cyclical bowel problems or severe back pain isn’t life changing.

So please if you can relate, let me know and if you know someone who is in similar situation then be kind 🙂

Please keep reading xxx

More words less slump.

(c)Slumpless

Standby Me

I was just an option

A page in your twirling filofax

Spin.Spin. Spin.

Did I win ?

Is it me today ?

I had torn the pages out of my book

Burnt some of them.

For you.

You were it.

For me.

A,B,C all the way to Xxx

Now I’ve got the hump

I feel like a chump.

Again.

(C) Slumpless

Confetti

The sharp, piercing blade of your mouth

Shredded me to confetti

I was airborne. Torn.

Was it better to be scattered though?

Perhaps the pieces of me held together by comfortable glue

Were now going places.

Each tiny, fluttering scrap had eyes to see.

More vision than the old me.

And when this ache of being hacked up fades

All the tiny fragments will return to the fold

And I will be wiser, braver and bold.

(C) Slumpless