“This too shall pass”
That’s what they say.
But they haven’t felt one of my minutes
Lived in my skin.
What time is it ? Nearly there ?
My life is crawling, sprawling.
Every half breath takes longer than your sighs.
I can’t see the light.
Not when my immersion is absolute.
Sublime darkness some might say…
Squid ink in my pores.
I’m suffocating but not because of silence.
Every word you ever uttered is pinned to my every inch.
Pinch. Pinch. Pinch.
I’m edging my way forwards but it hurts like hell.
I’ll never do this again.
I poured the last shred of myself into getting you back
Dredged the pit and found the last scrap of pride
Withered but worthy of words
Silence. Silence. Silence.
Now I feel absurd.
And I have to question this need for your presence.
This scramble to make you see.
Because when I have you it is not joy in my heart
I am always waiting for you to cast your shadow on my face
For you to spit me out without swallowing.
A connoisseur of vintage whines.
Love me. Love me. Love me.
Ughhh I hate myself more than you could.
Better maybe to stay shut up.
Shut me out.
I think I would.
I explained you into something else
How else could I understand you ?
I made excuses for your strange ways
And let the nuances I didn’t understand become mysteries, worthy of my love.
At the end however I realized that you are not an art piece to be deciphered
And that color on a wall does not a picture make.
Your silences are not opportunities for me to read your mind
But chances for blissful peace
So goodbye sunshine. Goodbye rain.
I thought you were a Picasso but you were nothing but a stain.
A trick of the light silly
When you thought you saw a halo
When you felt the piercing heat, smolder the bones of you.
Oh you knew it even then but you ignored the refracted value of the words that lit up your life.
And then when the clouds came
You feigned surprise as though you had forgotten your jacket not cast it aside.
I see goosebumps on your arms and shadows in your hair.
No it’s not fair.
Some can bend the rays to their own devices
While you are left in cold,cold slices.
Ham it up all you want.
Pretend you got a fright.
You knew it all along
The tricks of your delight.
Stop. I need to stop.
When my heart steals away in the night
Time travelling back to your hands in my hair
I need to quench this thirst for memories
I am laden down with heavy baskets full of the past.
How can I move when every finger is weighed down?
I trudge through the days without you.
And I think I must have seen myself back then when you held me in the night.
I’m pretty sure it was me , sitting in corner looking sad.
But how do I do it ?
Learn, when all I do is yearn ?
Smile without wincing?
Is there a potion made to numb ?
Now I understand gin.
I’m glass and always was and you’re the stone that landed in this vessel.
Tomorrow is another day..
Do you believe in Fairies ?
Don’t laugh just think.
Do you believe in stories with no proof?
Stories to make you feel better. Stories to shut you up.
You might as well.
I always thought that if I loved hard enough magic would happen.
That you would return the favor.
Oh Disney and Hollywood
All those stories that make you feel good.
I grew up on those, made wishes to the skies
But I may have found out about Santa
But not the rest of those lies.
You spoke to the raw, ticking part of me.
The viscous blood that pools in this turbine head
You saw the graves I dig for myself
And you helped me shovel down
The rain in sheets upon our ravaged backs
As we fought the granite masses of the soil.
Toiling. Soiling. Spoiling.
You and I are boiling oil.
We spill over vestments and scorch the eyes that watch.
I cling to your immortal hold on me
Parasite love. Burrow in deep.
I go on forever.
There is a crinkle in the line of time
Where you were mine.
It goes in loops through space
Over and over through seas of effervescent stars.
A universe kind of love.
A galaxy of heat
But It burns too fast my dear
And that crinkle is now a coil
Waiting for release
So I loosen my grip and watch you float further away from me into the night
And although there is black
There is also the moon and it’s beautiful pull
And that spinning sphere of blue.
There’s me and always you.
You break the heart of me my love
Cut the soul right out of its skin.
Over. Over.And over
I let you do it it.
This pulsing part on a plate
Sloshed about like a cheap stew
Made cheaper by me.
While I yearn for your expensive smile
The one that only comes out at night.
Me ? My teeth are always on display
Night. Day. I just give it away
As if it means nothing.
Talk is cheap but so is a smile.
And mine is free.
Can I draw the liquid lines of you with my thumbing stroke?
Bleed the sap that I know lingers in the funnel of your heart?
Oh there are ways and means to make your fountain flow
I know most but not all
I will find the waterfall
I strum and hum the tunes that make oblique, the straight lines of your beautiful legs
You beg for more lick and that’s the trick.
Just a breath away.
I’ll stay just a breath away until even a whisper, will send you to simmer
The releasing breaths of a chord too highly strung
Is magic, melody to ears and head that need a patting. A petting.
Wet. Wet. Wetting.
I will put holes in your clouds
And trenches in your doubt
Today you will see that I want nothing but you.
You can do as you please
I’m on my knees.
I told you it was forever
But most people don’t mean it my way.
There’s no highway. No wave goodbye.
I am the air you cannot see
The dust that settles lightly on your shoes
Use. Use. Used.
I’m used to it.
So run and push.
There’s nowhere for you to go.
I am sand and snow.
Tree, bird, mamal, fish
Do as you wish.
My love will not be killed
Even if my blood is spilled.
I don’t know jealousy
I don’t know hate.
This is what it means to be my soul
So cry. Whimper. Laugh
You are half.
I am other.
Souls from the same Mother.
Cut from the same star.
You undo all the things I’ve done
Where I put the kettle.
Where I left the salt.
You move me around like I’m made of nothing
And all I want to do is run.
I don’t think you would notice
Until breakfast time when the coffee doesn’t appear beside your bed.
You rearranged my kitchen.
And now I have nothing.