“This too shall pass”
That’s what they say.
But they haven’t felt one of my minutes
Lived in my skin.
What time is it ? Nearly there ?
My life is crawling, sprawling.
Every half breath takes longer than your sighs.
I can’t see the light.
Not when my immersion is absolute.
Sublime darkness some might say…
Squid ink in my pores.
I’m suffocating but not because of silence.
Every word you ever uttered is pinned to my every inch.
Pinch. Pinch. Pinch.
I’m edging my way forwards but it hurts like hell.
I’ll never do this again.
I poured the last shred of myself into getting you back
Dredged the pit and found the last scrap of pride
Withered but worthy of words
Silence. Silence. Silence.
Now I feel absurd.
And I have to question this need for your presence.
This scramble to make you see.
Because when I have you it is not joy in my heart
I am always waiting for you to cast your shadow on my face
For you to spit me out without swallowing.
A connoisseur of vintage whines.
Love me. Love me. Love me.
Ughhh I hate myself more than you could.
Better maybe to stay shut up.
Shut me out.
I think I would.
I explained you into something else
How else could I understand you ?
I made excuses for your strange ways
And let the nuances I didn’t understand become mysteries, worthy of my love.
At the end however I realized that you are not an art piece to be deciphered
And that color on a wall does not a picture make.
Your silences are not opportunities for me to read your mind
But chances for blissful peace
So goodbye sunshine. Goodbye rain.
I thought you were a Picasso but you were nothing but a stain.
A trick of the light silly
When you thought you saw a halo
When you felt the piercing heat, smolder the bones of you.
Oh you knew it even then but you ignored the refracted value of the words that lit up your life.
And then when the clouds came
You feigned surprise as though you had forgotten your jacket not cast it aside.
I see goosebumps on your arms and shadows in your hair.
No it’s not fair.
Some can bend the rays to their own devices
While you are left in cold,cold slices.
Ham it up all you want.
Pretend you got a fright.
You knew it all along
The tricks of your delight.
Stop. I need to stop.
When my heart steals away in the night
Time travelling back to your hands in my hair
I need to quench this thirst for memories
I am laden down with heavy baskets full of the past.
How can I move when every finger is weighed down?
I trudge through the days without you.
And I think I must have seen myself back then when you held me in the night.
I’m pretty sure it was me , sitting in corner looking sad.
But how do I do it ?
Learn, when all I do is yearn ?
Smile without wincing?
Is there a potion made to numb ?
Now I understand gin.
I’m glass and always was and you’re the stone that landed in this vessel.
Tomorrow is another day..
Do you believe in Fairies ?
Don’t laugh just think.
Do you believe in stories with no proof?
Stories to make you feel better. Stories to shut you up.
You might as well.
I always thought that if I loved hard enough magic would happen.
That you would return the favor.
Oh Disney and Hollywood
All those stories that make you feel good.
I grew up on those, made wishes to the skies
But I may have found out about Santa
But not the rest of those lies.
You spoke to the raw, ticking part of me.
The viscous blood that pools in this turbine head
You saw the graves I dig for myself
And you helped me shovel down
The rain in sheets upon our ravaged backs
As we fought the granite masses of the soil.
Toiling. Soiling. Spoiling.
You and I are boiling oil.
We spill over vestments and scorch the eyes that watch.
I cling to your immortal hold on me
Parasite love. Burrow in deep.
I go on forever.