I saw glitter.
Before there was mud
There was shine.
I saw sparkle and glimmer
Bursting out of your chest
So screw the rest.
What came after.
I’m going to remember the Gold
Not the dust.
I will try to blow it away at least.
Before you were beast
And when I was beauty.
I saw glitter my love.
And I know it’s still there.
You must care.
At least dare to.
I vomited words
All over my page. All over you.
If only I could wash them off.
But they just keep coming
This awful bug of mine.
Stop. Stop. Stop me.
I’m trying to write you back.
Write the wrong.
Except I don’t know who is worse.
You or the curse ?
The plague of being in love with love
Let’s be honest it’s me not you.
You could be anyone.
So really I need to stop.
I’m just addicted to convincing
And maybe you know that.
I think you’re the same.
Enough with this game….
Are you sure you don’t want me?
That’s how I feel.
Squashed to the core
Unable to spring into action.
I see you like a King on a throne of smug expression.
Will you deign to look my way ?
I said I was sorry for fucks sake.
But you pressed the crazy right out of me.
I think you like me this way.
A jester left to fester.
The court’s fool.
Oh well my dancing is coming to an end.
And so is your reign.
But I’ve been cleansed.
Have you ?
I dug up a storm for you
And used the trade winds
To buckle your spine.
I syphoned the rains
From all the lands
And poured them down your neck.
I reached into every corner of every crack and abyss that furrows this planet
Just that you may answer me.
Do you care ? Do you?
But all you heard was a whistle. Felt a chill.
My tempest only made me ill.
You won’t live forever.
No one is made for all those eyes
Boring into the soul of you
So that all you are is a fragment
Of what you once were.
You can only go downhill
Compete with the old you.
The face at least.
Because they won’t see your growth
Just the lines etched on your skin
And your desperate attempts to plump them out.
Make yourself stay in the light.
For who are you really when the screen is off?
When no one is looking?
Soon they won’t care and you will have to answer that question.
All on your own.
Have you grown?
Or are you just over the hill?
There’s a market today
In this sweltering heat
There is a market.
Hundreds of parcels wrapped in brown paper
Spoiling in the sun.
The smell of rotting meat is not imagined
Nor the little drops of crimson seeping down the shelves.
There is a market today. And everyday.
With pieces of me sold at too low a price
To people who don’t value my meat.
Not in this heat.
Just promise me you won’t be cruel
When the time comes to sever these threads
You won’t turn us to shreds.
I look at your face as I lie on your chest
And hope for the best.
But I’ve done this before
And the cut was pure gore, sore.
Please. Please. No more.
So be gentle as you are now
When you lick my leg
Make me beg.
Promise that when you no longer long for this touch
That when I don’t mean much
Just promise you’ll be kind.
And I promise I won’t linger
I won’t be a loser
If I have proper closure.
Originally posted Sept 2017
From now on I will give you a moment.
Only one moment each day.
A pause of equal measure.
Pain and pleasure.
You caused me both.
I will play devil’s advocate to my own heart
Set the balance straight.
I am a Libra after all.
But you have put me out of kilter
With your scorpio sting.
So I will go on living. Give it all I have.
Wake from the dream and the nightmare.
But I promise you a time each day
Because I’m loyal that way.
I think I died
Because I no longer hear your breath when I sleep
Or feel the rough edges of your face in my palm
Nor the smooth sphere of your head against my neck.
I must be dead. I must be.
Because only there I can find an explanation for why your heart doesn’t thud against my skin.
But I’m not in heaven.
I’m caught with just a whisper of you in my ears.
Wondering where I am buried or why you’re so grave.
I’m still unsure.
So I wander. I wander and wait.
Set me free. Set me straight.
Tell me the truth. Please be true.
Did I really die. Or did you ?
It will eat you up
It will swallow you up
Careful now because you will appear the same
But inside you will be gone.
The old you.
The light you. The bright you.
You keep skirting the edges and you will get sucked in.
But this time the worm will be gone
And you will be suspended
Liar, liar your pants are on fire
And it was cute when we were kids
You told tall tales of overgrown snails
And things that disappeared in the light
But now my dear your absurd lies
Are fooling no-one but yourself
It worked for a while
But now you’re on trial
For giving us all quite a fright.
So I call bullshit on it all
And try not to be mean
And see that it comes from a place of fear
And when you tell me untruths
I’ve become quite the sleuth
And take it all in good cheer.
So try not do it,there’s really no point
We’re all wise to your insecure ways
But for others less in the know
It’s such a low blow
And can really mess with their days.
I will not let these four walls rule me
So that a speck of dust becomes the fulcrum around which my lonely life pivots.
I will not shine this prison until it gleams
Because then only stains will come.
I will keep gazing out the window
Hoping that it’s not the end for me.
That there must be more than never-ending folding
I refuse to gape a wide toothy grin when you come in,
Hint at perfection to distract from cracks that appear in corners.
I will be blemished and brave
So take me as I am.
Just take me.
Out of here. Out of fear.
These walls are made of sturdy bricks
And I am already plastered.