I have paid the price for a half-life
A half thought.
A relationship fraught.
Together ? Or not?
He loves you. He loves you not.
Make a decision for f#*%k’s sake.
The ground won’t shake.
Then maybe we would have been ok.
Better rounded. Our depression unfounded.
Oh what a burden to carry
Did they mean to marry?
Wishing they would divorce
It couldn’t get any worse.
Not for me. Not for us.
A life undefined.
Something terribly wrong but not on paper
Never on paper. Too black and white.
Enough with this shite.
It’s not right. It never was.
Were you trying to protect us?
Or was it yourselves you were trying to save?
Neither one of you brave..
Only now I can move on
Try not to do the same wrongs.
You’re still ostriches though
At least you’ll be grand
With your heads in the sand.
Not us. Definitely not me.
The blinkers are gone
The things I always believed , the same old song
No more. No more.
I want more.
So much more.
You’re not really a rebel, are you?
With your skull tattoos and lost soul vibe.
You sit on a bike that you can’t ride
You smoke pot all the time so you can’t drive.
You walk with a swagger but have no sway
Your ridiculous stories give you away
Your ‘live in the moment’ constant retort
Although you really do nothing of the sort.
You like heavy-metal fine.. ok
You over insist that you’re not ‘gay’
You’re mean though
I’ll give you that.
Shut me out of life
Make me feel like a twat.
You’re a rebel without a reason
I committed no crime or treason.
I wanted you and that was all
Your worst crime was to pretend to fall
You’re full of crap and rather crass
You’re really not a good.. bad-ass.
‘Just one night’ he said ‘And then no more’
It hasn’t happened but I feel like a whore.
‘Just one time.. she won’t find out.’
It hasn’t happened but he’s still a lout.
‘But no more contact, no more texts
This is not a relationship
Just merely sex’.
Does he know I’m human
That I have heart?
Was I not clear about it from the start?
I have feelings and if we shag
He’ll throw me away like a dirty rag.
I’ll want it to be special
I’ll want it to be more
But I’ll be left lying at the door.
So he really thinks I want a one night stand?
I’d rather use my own right hand.
I fastened my soul to you a long time ago
And I can’t quite seem to undo the latch
Though you toss and kick
I still sit tight
Waiting for the time to be right.
Your rolling nerves just under my skin
Tell me there’s nothing left within
Not for me not for what we were
Of that you’re really making sure.
So jump and shake. Bruise and buck
One of these days I’ll stop giving a f#%*$
Fiddle dee dee
I’m filled with glee
My pockets are full
My life is free
Fiddle dee doo
I don’t care about you
Your lack of life
Won’t give me any strife.
Fiddle and fun
My life is overrun
With all things good
No feeling of ‘should’
I was borne here by luck
And I know that may suck
But I’d rather bury my head in the sand
Than give you a hand.
Why can’t you just be cheery
When I’m feeling so damn down
Couldn’t you just pick me up?
Instead you tie lead weights to my ankles
And wait for me to drown.
You wait until I’m rock bottom
Then dredge the silt so I can fall further.
Why can’t you be a balloon ?
I felt the cutting in my blood
A little sharp tingling and suddenly more
My guts spilled out
All over the floor.
Sharing my innards with the world
Absurd. Absurd. Absurd.
The beautiful skin I’m in… is gone
Now all you can ever see
Are the grimy, slimy, workings of me.
This inexplicable desire to share
Makes me in-human
So please beware.
I will spill my guts on the floor
You’ll want less because I give more.
It doesn’t pour but it will always rain
When you show the world your inner pain.