Forever

Bring me cider and crisps
And those little biscuits I love
I want to sit by the river
And drink like we used to.

Run your fingertips up my arm
Just to the top of my shoulder
Each day getting bolder
And kiss like we used to.

Let the sun burn my neck
What the heck ?
I was destined to leave either way.
Let us lie side by side
In the meadow deep and wild
Look me in the eyes and pretend we have forever
Just like we used to.
Please, like we used to.
(C) Slumpless

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Fake it til I break it.

On a day like this I go the extra mile
For a smile

A little more lippy
So you can’t see the pain
You might even think I’m vain.
“Nothing wrong with you , you look fine”

But I’m good at faking it
Years of honing
Toning.
I have it down to a fine art.
I play the part well

To conceal my hell.

So if you see my in the street
Please retreat.
I may seem really cheery
But inside I’m nothing but weary.

(C) Slumpless

Push Up

All I have is time to think
And I used to feel bad for that.
But blessed are the thinkers, the thoughtful.
We do it for those who don’t have time
To ponder the sublime
Those who toil in mortal coil.
Who plough the heavy soil.
Oh but I am not made of heaven yet
My coil is weak so my soul must be light
I fight in theories and rings surrounded by ropes of a million philosophies.
I see the patterns in a web you weave
Because I can leave. I can pause for thought.
So blessed are the workers ,the feeders the bleeders the strong
Those who think they can do no wrong
Those who move without thinking
Because stopping is sinking.
To them.
But the heavens are lit by weaker creatures like me
Whose bodies are not cut of diamonds but whose minds are made to shine
My pushups are of a different muscles
A strength built up for a different core
My legs might be heavy
But my mind doth soar.
(C)Slumpless

Plastered

I will not let these four walls rule me
So that a speck of dust becomes the fulcrum around which my lonely life pivots.
I will not shine this prison until it gleams
Because then only stains will come.

I will keep gazing out the window
Hoping that it’s not the end for me.
That there must be more than never-ending folding
Relentless scolding.
I refuse to gape a wide toothy grin when you come in,
Hint at perfection to distract from cracks that appear in corners.

I will be blemished and brave

So take me as I am.
Just take me.
Out of here. Out of fear.
These walls are made of sturdy bricks
And I am already plastered.

(C) Slumpless

Do WHAT you can, WHEN you can

I fell asleep last night on the couch at 8 pm (Like a boss)! My husband and son worked their way around me and I knew I should wake up. I knew I should try to wash the dishes, put a wash on. But I couldn’t.

Had I run a marathon ? Had I been cleaning all day ? Nope. I was exhausted plain and simple. Except it’s predictably cliched in that it’s never simple and I always feel so fucking guilty.

I had such good intentions for this last week. I wanted to clean more, walk more , write more, pack more boxes for our imminent move. Be more sprite than shite. Instead I had back pain, dizzy spells and always encroaching exhaustion.

That was my bad Endometriosis week. And I’m lucky. The pain was not agonizing like I’ve heard it can be for others. But the dizziness … and the lack of energy. Well these are the things that disrupt my life. And I try the tough love on myself. I’m not going easy on myself. This was another comment from a helpful family member.

Easy on myself? She doesn’t know me at all !

Anyway less ranting this week.

Instead let me tell you about my visit to a friend who has Endo. Way more severe than me. She can’t have kids and her ovary is fused to her stomach. But she had more compassion and understanding for me than anyone I know ( Bar my wonderful husband and Bff- I am very lucky). I will leave you with her words of true Endo wisdom:

“Don’t fookin apologise for yourself, don’t look for validation of your illness from anyone else and don’t waste your little energy trying to please people.

Do WHAT you can , WHEN you can and fuck em.

She is my guru. xxx

Thanks for reading. Hope you are doing the best you can when you can and if not the best … that’s fucking ok too 😀

(c) Slumpless

Chronic Me ( ‘You don’t seem sick’)

Hi all

Up to now I have kept my posts poetic however today I delve a little deeper and hope you will join me on this journey. I have had a shit show of a month where everything that could go wrong did.. and basically this seems to be the cycle my life is in.

There are a million reasons for this but I am going to address what I see is the main one and hope that this helps other people going through something similar.

First let me point out that just because my story isn’t a cookie cutter version of yours, doesn’t mean we can’t feel the same.

I say this because I have been looking all over the net for similar versions of my illness but seem to fail at even being sick enough 😀 this is doing nothing for my self-esteem!

Basically I have endometriosis which is where scar tissue (similar to the lining of the uterus) grows where it shouldn’t. This is not the most in depth explanation but that’s not the important part for me.

The part that matters is how I feel and the impact this illness has had on my life and relationships.

I am picking this time in my life because I really feel I have had to justify myself over and over to people especially family.

I also suffer from depression and I am not sure whether this is a result of having a chronic illness or just an unrelated issue all of its own. My search for approval of my illness and for people to believe me, has done nothing but make me feel desperate and alone.

Andthe bloody awful thing is that there are days when I feel I am going mad. And for me it’s not just awful pain which I get in my lower back coming up to my period or the horrible dizzy spells or the terrible bowel problems I suffer from. ( “Vague symptoms” which is the latest contribution from a family member- they don’t seem vague to me I tells ya !!!)

It’s that feeling of never being a ‘reliable’ human.

I have had to leave jobs because of this illness.I have had an eating disorder as I thought I could control my illness through food and became obsessed. I have lain on my couch with zero energy feeling like the laziest person in the world.

‘ But you don’t seem sick when I see you’

No I tend to avoid you when I am unwell because over the years it has become embarrassing to have to say ‘ yes I am sick again… yes really’. So no I don’t seem sick when we meet but ask yourself how many times I have ‘flaked’ on you?

Anyway this is just an opening rant and introduction and I will tackle all the various aspects of it as time goes by and things that I find help me with both physical and mental symptoms. The poetry has definitely been an outlet but I hope that this is more of a tangible post on a chronic illness. Just because I’m not screaming in pain doesn’t mean the impact of having cyclical bowel problems or severe back pain isn’t life changing.

So please if you can relate, let me know and if you know someone who is in similar situation then be kind 🙂

Please keep reading xxx

More words less slump.

(c)Slumpless