Her favorite film was ‘Out of Africa’.
I had misunderstood her
Her caustic manner
Her cantankerous demeanor
She had frightened me
But those three words changed all that
Insane Jane was misunderstood
Oh she was still a bitch
I couldn’t escape that fact
But one whose appreciation of subtle longing, a need for belonging
Meant she must be more than just snarl and gnarl
More than the angry sighs her tapping hands evoked
More than an office joke.
There was a pearl in there somewhere
Inside that shell
Within the creature who gave us hell.
Was it worth it ?
Heightening your nights
Adding shimmer and shine ?
Were they divine ?
Do you look back now in nostalgic haze
Do you long for those days
That ran into those nights
Like carriages in a crash
I was a good girl
No tabs for me
No artificial highs
And sometimes now I wonder
Why the fuck not?
Do I feel any more righteous
Did I escape the rot ?
Are my memories any sharper
My life more on track ?
I feel grey today
But I suppose it could be black.
You make me interesting.
I remember things I never used to.
Little slivers of pointless information
That you lap up.
All my quirks can be displayed
Until the right moment
And I’m all new to you again.
There’s so much of me I want to give
And for once I feel like a well
Spluttering forth crystal drops
Of something that restores you.
Makes you whole.
I am only like this with you
You show up the invisible ink in me
The words that others don’t see
You use your fingertips… your tongue
Your lovely mouth whips me into a frenzy
I’m soaring above new clouds
That are fluffier than the last
Is it too fast?
I don’t care.
Because with you, I do.
I don’t have time to plant flowers
Or paint my kitchen blue
I don’t have the patience to bake a cake
I’m too busy to take a bath.
I realised then you absorb colour
From the world. From me.
I gave it out without a thought.
These little pleasures came easy
The smell of coffee in the morning
Candles late at night
These things were scaffolding for my fragile senses
They keep the grey at bay
But for you the world was made of sturdier stuff
And you had no need for sculpted glass.
I’m not saying you’re crass but you’re not as gentle as I thought.
So I will keep filling this world with rainbows
But you won’t find my gold.
You planted flowers.
There was nothing but concrete and grey
God that grey. Suffocating. Stifling grey.
And wretched looking people and their wretched looking pets
Another siren in the distance.
But you planted flowers.
And I was on the bus
And though you don’t know me
I feel somehow you do.
So please keep them watered
Because it matters .
It matters to me.
There I am !
Good to see me again
I was in the trees all along!
Not under the duvet
No matter how hard I looked
How deeply I burrowed.
Ah look! I’m so pretty when I smile.
So nice to see the cold, give blush to my cheeks
Why do I forget this every year ?
Grey days send me under cover
Ah but when the sun shines
I find myself
Out and about
Glowing just like that familiar friend
There were three magpies fluttering in the sky
Three for me.
Do you fear us because we are weak?
Or because we are portals into the universe?
Channels into the spirit world,
The first stop for a new human.
We need you though.
We need your seeds
Otherwise we continue to bleed.
We may be the first port of call
But we are but half of the yin yang ball.
Fear not ye whose port hold no vessel
With whom this biological need you constantly wrestle
By choice or not
You are vital.
You are the light carriers
Not portals but messengers
Holding knowledge and strength
As much a part of this wonderful sphere
Even if your purpose is unclear
So gather around ye of every creed and disposition
We are in this together on this life expedition.