Maybe I’m dead already
I feel you walking on my grave
I shout and scream but no one hears
No one cares.
I’m a corpse among the living
But not the pretty sugar skull, kind.
I’m ignored. Muted. Paused.
Can anyone hear me ? Anyone ?
When did it happen ?
When was my last laugh ? My last guttural outburst?
It’s all dampened down now.
Hush. Hush. Hush.
No matter how hard I dance for you all
I feel you have written me off
Bit by bit by obituary.
You’re very aware of your “too muchness” He said.
“Much too much” I replied
I’m much too emotional
Much too intense
Much too mad
Much too sad
It’s all too much you know ?
But for who ? For me ? For you?
What about too less ? Isn’t that worse ?
Much more of a curse?
I suppose he’s right.
I suppose more is better
Then why do I feel less ?
When you’re fighting with everyone and you ask yourself “Is it me ?”
Maybe for once it’s not.
IS an asshole
And you’re finally seeing it.
But if everyone treats you badly
Is it because you let them ?
But if everyone is an asshole…what are you ?
I’m tossing and turning
Twisted in the memories of you
I just want to be alone so I can savor them
Flavor them with all my nuances.
You licked the core of me
As I read to you.
Your hands stroked me
Over and over like I was made of puppies.
And I think I wagged my tail
Just for your bone.
God I can’t stand not getting you
All the time .
Rapid breaths over and over.
Roll me. Knead me.
I need you.
Feast on moistened flesh
That rises and expands with heat.
I’m in hell until I see you
Again and again and again.
“I hate labels”
I must have said that in a previous life.
Careful what you wish for.
Now I long to be pinned and defined
Please tell me who I am once and for all.
As it is I’m not one thing or another
Not human not mother
Not healthy not sick
Before my blurred lines dissolve into nothing.
So I can stop longing for approval
From sources that never offer it
So go on. Put that sticker on.
Place me in a jar.
My ingredients on the back
At least then I can sit calmly on the shelf
Instead of loose as a lentil or a worse
I let the madness show by accident
It dribbled out my mouth
Your eyes widened
And suddenly you had to leave
I had no tissues
I couldn’t hide
You had already crossed to the other side.
I was doing so well. I was doing so well.
Drooling fool. Drooling fool.
And all I said was:
‘Terribly grey isn’t it?’
That’s all I said.
It must have been high pitched
Maybe I twitched.
It’s too late now. Too late.
There will always be the divide.
Normal over there.
Crazy on this side.
‘Just one night’ he said ‘And then no more’
It hasn’t happened but I feel like a whore.
‘Just one time.. she won’t find out.’
It hasn’t happened but he’s still a lout.
‘But no more contact, no more texts
This is not a relationship
Just merely sex’.
Does he know I’m human
That I have heart?
Was I not clear about it from the start?
I have feelings and if we shag
He’ll throw me away like a dirty rag.
I’ll want it to be special
I’ll want it to be more
But I’ll be left lying at the door.
So he really thinks I want a one night stand?
I’d rather use my own right hand.