Only smart if you are….I’m not.
I proved that.
I descended into the proverbial rabbit hole
I just couldn’t stop myself. The heat it generated in my skull should keep the battery going for years.
Hours of searching for something I was never even sure existed
By trying to prove to myself I wasn’t crazy … I became just that.
Lock me out. Of it. Of life. Of me.
You fought until the bitter end
I’ll give you that at least
All the proof in front of me
You thought it was behind you.
You were like a cornered bird.
But at least they can fly.
You had nowhere to go
You turned into a festering mass
And I wondered how I ever saw anything else
Where were your soft, gentle hands ?
Where was your kind heart?
One lie down.
How many more ?
You met your match, you lit the light
And you didn’t think I shone so bright
So you played me like a cat plays with a mouse
You spat at my house
You thought I had no idea
Your old methods worked before
But I’m not humble brother
I’m not stupid mother
You knocked on the wrong door.
My brain forms connections while yours lies dormant
I know a serpent when I get bitten once
But I’m the charmer
If you need to stick your dick
In other doors ,
Then do it silly
But your balls will get chilly
I’m not the jealous kind
I think you want me to mind.
I think your lies are how you try to control me.
Make me think I’m crazy.
Crazy girl. Crazy girl.
Lucky for me, I know I’m Loco.
But not for you and never because.
Oh there now. Don’t cry those crocodile tears my dear.
It’s ok to be caught out by someone like me.
I’m clever you see ? Not the fool you hoped I’d be.
So do stop your lying
It’s ever so trying.
Kinda boring if I’m honest
You’re turning me off.
Soon there will be no electricity
Just gas light.
Can I offer you a coffin ?
There was nothing but sincerity in his tone.
‘I’m not quite ready for that ‘ I laughed
‘Oh but you are’. He said
You are already dead.
Dead ? What did he mean ?
I looked down at my hands
And saw nothing but bones
No smooth flesh no veins.
I was skeleton from tarsals to top.
Poor corpse. Poor corpse.
Running around pretending to be alive.
‘I ..I thought I had this covered, I didn’t think they knew.’
‘No my dear, it’s obvious you’re a corpse right through and through.’
Maybe I’m dead already
I feel you walking on my grave
I shout and scream but no one hears
No one cares.
I’m a corpse among the living
But not the pretty sugar skull, kind.
I’m ignored. Muted. Paused.
Can anyone hear me ? Anyone ?
When did it happen ?
When was my last laugh ? My last guttural outburst?
It’s all dampened down now.
Hush. Hush. Hush.
No matter how hard I dance for you all
I feel you have written me off
Bit by bit by obituary.
You’re very aware of your “too muchness” He said.
“Much too much” I replied
I’m much too emotional
Much too intense
Much too mad
Much too sad
It’s all too much you know ?
But for who ? For me ? For you?
What about too less ? Isn’t that worse ?
Much more of a curse?
I suppose he’s right.
I suppose more is better
Then why do I feel less ?
When you’re fighting with everyone and you ask yourself “Is it me ?”
Maybe for once it’s not.
IS an asshole
And you’re finally seeing it.
But if everyone treats you badly
Is it because you let them ?
But if everyone is an asshole…what are you ?