This time I take full blame
For playing your game.
I can’t pretend I didn’t see the outcome
Oh and out it came.
The beautiful, searing truth.
The kind that wakes you in the night with disbelief.
I did that before.
How could you be so … so…
So fucking awful. So fucking you.
So fucking what ?
There are no surprises.
So I take full blame.
Add it to the list
Of things that keep happening
With a narcissist.
I will always suffer this sight
That lends itself across time and space
I see fathoms and fault lines
Swirling moonrock in a universe far from ours
I don’t think in minutes. Hours. Centuries.
They mean nothing to me.
I see circles and curls
Whisps of words spoken light years ago
The first laugh into the sky.
The first tear that set the earth alight.
So if I don’t see you tomorrow
Or the next
Don’t look for me with eyes. Don’t search to touch with your fingertips
To kiss me with your lips.
I am something you cannot lose or find
Flowing through you and past you and back again.
Love is not a word that I just uttered.
It is my print on the matrix that binds us .
I do not fall.
I hold it all.
The glass lunchbox I borrowed
Had its own status
Set above the peevish plastic of my own foolish purchases.
He picked it for his lunch
The kids chose it for snacks
Somehow it tasted better.
It shone outside of the dishwasher.
While its counterparts became glum and lost their gloss, it just continued to sparkle.
It was better. Better at everything.
A glimpse into a kitchen where everything had its own seamless role
While mine just melted and lost its shape.
An audience with you
That’s how I feel
All at me.
Ta da.Ta da. Ta daaaa….
Oh wait. Should I clap ?
I’m sorry I zoned out.
Thirty I’s ago.
How am I ?
No you didn’t ask ?
And if you do, I see your eyes glaze over.
Well that’s ok because I’m fine.
I have a mute button too.
And all I see is your mouth.
As if we’re in water.
But where I used to sink.
I now swim upwards for air.
There are those who are not aware
Who gobble up air
Like it was all theirs for the taking
Who take whomping big skips that leave the ground shaking.
They get all up in our space
Right up in your face.
Fuck you. I live here too.
Close your mouth when you chew.
Don’t pick that zit on the bus.
Sweet fucking Jesus !
Stop a minute and see
It’s not just you.
And him. And her.
Not just a blur.
You think therefore you are ?
Or have you not thought that far ?
Well now is the time to open your eyes
See the world not the lies.
This life isn’t a selfie or a pic
So quit being a dick.
You are a half beat between the thuds
A low hum behind the melody
A trickle of shadow on scorching ground
I will move towards you in the darkness
And my time will stagger to your glassy pace
A clink. A clunk. A jangle.
I crawl into cracks for you. To be with you.
I turn life on its head to be in your bed.
Thud. Ud.Thud. Ud. Thud.Ud.
That’s my heart in my ears
It’s all I hear.
You slash your way out of my skin
And it takes time to heal.
But I’m a self-harmer
My blade is a charmer.
You have a squeak in your shoe
And it breaks my heart
I think maybe your feet are wet
And I imagine your cringe at every step.
The sound is deafening
And I wonder how your day must be going?
It can only get better