My sad eye is pressed up against the wall
I heard the nightingale’s silent call
Out there everything shimmers
You in the middle of a lake that glimmers
Flora and fauna and mossy roads
Faeries and pixies and croaking toads.
Water spouting out your finger
A thousand reasons to let me linger
Staring out at your bright world
Ignoring the fact that I’m being absurd.
Is it better to have a crack
Or does it just highlight what I lack?
Just do the washing-up already
Pick the clothes up from the floor
Write that book you’ve been talking about
Paint that peeling door.
Just go for a relaxing walk
Sit and read a book
Cook that cake you wanted to
Give that film a look.
This is what my brain says
Day after day after day
But my soul just wants to sit here
And the world to go away.
I’m warning you now.
Don’t let me do it.
Don’t let me fall for you.
You say you want casual.
But this talent I lack.
I never stay on track.
I freewheel and lose the road.
Heavy load. Heavy load.
Once you’re in. You’re in in.
That’s it , I’m done.
It’s no fun
Not for me.
Not for you.
This need, this desire
Will last longer than you’ll think it should
You’ll be surprised
‘ Am I really that good?’
That’s what you’ll wonder
As I’m torn asunder.
But if it’s any consolation
You’re nothing special
No magic power.
You’re a character in a play
And it’s the play . The story.
You’re just the understudy.
But I will always stick to this script.
Oh pickled longing
I had put you on the shelf
Was hoping you would taste better
When the acerbic nature of life was absorbed by you.
You only grew stronger. More flavor formed.
I won’t get very far
With my want locked in a jar.
The worst thing is that I had begun to dream again
Pictured a life where things might go well
Now I’m back to hell.
Ground zero once more.
Maybe that’s why I’m sore.
Filled with envy for those of you who just
‘Get along with it’.
Oh and I do …sometimes.
But then the black comes in and pushes me down
And I run each time.
I try. I try. I quit.
I can’t seem to go through the tunnel.
Can’t seem to reach the light
No matter how hard I fight.
Some of us will always be at the tunnel door
While you run forward.. gaining more.
I am writing this post to highlight the effect contraceptive pills can have on your mental health. Ladies I’m not dissuading you from contraception but rather asking you to be aware of the effects it can have on your moods and not be afraid to try various options until you find the right one. ‘May cause mood swings’ sounds so benign but based on my personal experiences those mood swings can make you and break you:
It’s just a pill.. try it and see
But that pill could break me
The world can turn black on that little white sphere
You don’t understand?
You’ve seen ‘The Matrix’?
Well it’s the same… ish
I mean this pill has powers to change my world
To remove the illusion of the life I lead
It can create pools of bubbling anger I never knew I had
Make the green eyed monster appear.
But I’m no ‘Neo’
When I’m in it , I can’t fight.
Can’t see the light.
So no it’s not just a pill
It’s not just a mood swing
It’s is the pendulum and I am in the pit.
Wow who knew? I do have superpowers after all!
With a mere flick of my wrist and a dab of extra butter and cheese
I can become completely invisible!
The guy didn’t hold the door for me.
The boy in the shop didn’t try to converse.
They don’t stare anymore.
The men. The women.
They don’t stare.
I used to hate it.
Used to turn beet red.
But now I have an invisibility cloak
And although I try to shrug it off.
It weighs heavily on me.
But what’s worse.
Is the reverse.
I see the ‘fat guy’ with new eyes
He too is in disguise.