I forgot to say I love you
Forgot to show you the true blood that runs in these veins.
I omitted to kiss you
My hands hovered close to your back but never made contact.
There was a wall you see?
Between you and me
All the bricks are made of things unsaid and over said
Dig. Dig. Dig.
We built that wall.Made its foundation.
But not side by side
We dug at each other.
The dirt spreading out around us.
When did you move to the other side?
I wish memories were paintings that I could hang on this wall
Then maybe it would fall and so would we.
Back when touching you was as easy as the breeze.
Back to when you were on your knees
But so was I.
And we stared at the sky instead of the stone.
When I didn’t feel alone.
Let’s put away our spades
Let’s stop our excavation
Because all we’ll find are bones
And they’re best left to the soil
Not for us to toil
What are you trying to tell me, universe?
Please speak to me. Make me see.
Just as I think the last drop of him is gone
Just as I pat myself on the back and guzzle down a drink of happiness
Then all my certainty is gone again.
All the things I promised …
Well they just go.
What does he see I wonder?
But if he could look inside.
He would see the the swirling galaxies of my soul
And he would know that there are depths to me
That he chooses to ignore
Chose to shut me out.
But I know enough to try and learn
That from this yearn this never ending burn
There’s something to be gained
I’m being trained
By powers greater than me
And definitely bigger than him.
So I suppose next time he crosses my path
Next time he passes me by.
I won’t just ask why?
But how? And why now?
Maybe then. Just maybe
It will all make sense.
Oh you have worn me down.
Pressing the tips of your calloused hands against my heart.
Stop. Stop. Restart.
I can’t take much more of this.
Just as I think the last drop, the last atom is gone
‘You have me at hello?’
Well you floored me with it.
And I tried to be casual.
I promise I did.
But this heart of mine still holds your prints
And it’s held up with splints
I’m a joke. A clown.
A lingering fool.
Jelly string on a spool.
I mean nothing to you
And that’s never happened me before.
I have never been cast aside like a whore.
But you stopped me with silence.
But that silence was a roar.
I’m still sore. I’m still sore.
So why do I want more?
Can I dabble in you?
Stick my spoon in and sift through the liquids of your soul?
Your cauldron will bubble
Skin, nails, stubble.
I will scoop at the good bits make them float to the top
But just as you boil over
I will stop.
Simmer. Simmer. Simmer.
You know I go witch way.
That the follicles of your heart
Are mine to control
Along with your soul
And every other inch.
Pinch. Pinch. Pinch.
A bit of this and that
Added to the mix
Stirring you up
You’re froth. Broth.
Moth to my flame.
Bubble. Bubble. Pop.
This thing we have?
I’ve learned never to ask
“What are we”?
The truth is:
A little something in the evening
A soft hand on a hard place
A gentle caress of the face
Going nowhere. Nowhere to go.
This time I’m ok with that.
You don’t sing me songs, right any wrongs.
You just touch and go.
Ask me no questions
Tell me no lies
Our conversation is made up of sighs
We’re on loan. Not alone.
I don’t look for hidden gems
I don’t dig at your soul.
It is what it is.
A little something. For a little while.
Everything I did was for you, because of you
With you in mind.
Because of the possibility you might be kind.
Might want me again.
And I couldn’t sit still, couldn’t read without your heavy head on my shoulder
And I fought this terrible love
This one-sided thing
While you swayed and danced in the breeze
I was under heavy soil. Out of sun.
But those tears I shed found their way back in
and cracked my sad shell.
And now I am beanstalk and my head is in the clouds
And you are the old cow sold for magic beans.
I’ll burrow deeper into feather, into soft downy threads
Nestle and settle in a ball in this bed
Escape my head.
Escape you. All of you.
I need time at sea. Time to see.
To dream away this life of grime.
Time… so much time.
This life of traffic, of murk.
I’ll float in nothing for a while longer
Until I’m stronger
But little hands land on my head
Soft cheeks settle on my pillow
‘Are you ok mum? Are you asleep?’
For little voice I’m drawn out of the deep.
I hug little hands close to me
Under the cover
For now hibernation is over.