There is only silence when we’re together
In my heart and in my head.
No gaps between us to let echoes bounce and bound.
No slivers of space where splintering whispers can flay my nerves away.
When your skin is on mine
Hush. Hush. Hush.
An occasional hum.
An occasional groan.
But mostly blissful
When we’re alone.
Was it worth it ?
Heightening your nights
Adding shimmer and shine ?
Were they divine ?
Do you look back now in nostalgic haze
Do you long for those days
That ran into those nights
Like carriages in a crash
I was a good girl
No tabs for me
No artificial highs
And sometimes now I wonder
Why the fuck not?
Do I feel any more righteous
Did I escape the rot ?
Are my memories any sharper
My life more on track ?
I feel grey today
But I suppose it could be black.
I told you I loved you
While you were still inside me
And I think I felt you shrivel.
Stabbing me with a blunted knife
Oh God the pain.
Why ? Why? Why ?
This compulsion to seek revulsion ?
What do you mean love ?
That’s what you said.
Would the right definition make you say it back ?
It’s too late now. I won’t say it again.
I rolled away from you and left the room. Your house. Your life.
But those pitying eyes … ?
They are all I remember
I wrote them for you.
Some of my best work
But you’re not vain just blind
You didn’t think those songs were about you.
And though you felt the sentiments my words evoked
It wasn’t my face you saw
How cruel this world
You told me you were such a fan
And I wanted to say it back.
But I refuse to reveal my muse.
So I watched you dance around the room
A big silly smile on your face
And though my heart was breaking
Crumbling away little by little
My soul knew it was being fed
More melodies than I could ever wish for.
I bit off your flaky scalp
And was mesmerized by the smooth mound of your skull
Underneath all that talk
There was silence.
Should I delve further ?
Lick my way through to your little brain
Would a tumor explain your humor?
I’m looking for something.
A needle in a winding grey matter of mess
An explanation of your stress
I want to bury deep into valve and vein
Just to explain
Just to understand
Some hidden part of you
But all I find are clock parts
Winding, grinding cogs
I suppose at the end of the day
We’re all made that way.
I expected more. More than a void.
But you are just android.
You make me interesting.
I remember things I never used to.
Little slivers of pointless information
That you lap up.
All my quirks can be displayed
Until the right moment
And I’m all new to you again.
There’s so much of me I want to give
And for once I feel like a well
Spluttering forth crystal drops
Of something that restores you.
Makes you whole.
I am only like this with you
You show up the invisible ink in me
The words that others don’t see
You use your fingertips… your tongue
Your lovely mouth whips me into a frenzy
I’m soaring above new clouds
That are fluffier than the last
Is it too fast?
I don’t care.
Because with you, I do.
Maybe I’m dead already
I feel you walking on my grave
I shout and scream but no one hears
No one cares.
I’m a corpse among the living
But not the pretty sugar skull, kind.
I’m ignored. Muted. Paused.
Can anyone hear me ? Anyone ?
When did it happen ?
When was my last laugh ? My last guttural outburst?
It’s all dampened down now.
Hush. Hush. Hush.
No matter how hard I dance for you all
I feel you have written me off
Bit by bit by obituary.