Up to now I have kept my posts poetic however today I delve a little deeper and hope you will join me on this journey. I have had a shit show of a month where everything that could go wrong did.. and basically this seems to be the cycle my life is in.
There are a million reasons for this but I am going to address what I see is the main one and hope that this helps other people going through something similar.
First let me point out that just because my story isn’t a cookie cutter version of yours, doesn’t mean we can’t feel the same.
I say this because I have been looking all over the net for similar versions of my illness but seem to fail at even being sick enough 😀 this is doing nothing for my self-esteem!
Basically I have endometriosis which is where scar tissue (similar to the lining of the uterus) grows where it shouldn’t. This is not the most in depth explanation but that’s not the important part for me.
The part that matters is how I feel and the impact this illness has had on my life and relationships.
I am picking this time in my life because I really feel I have had to justify myself over and over to people especially family.
I also suffer from depression and I am not sure whether this is a result of having a chronic illness or just an unrelated issue all of its own. My search for approval of my illness and for people to believe me, has done nothing but make me feel desperate and alone.
Andthe bloody awful thing is that there are days when I feel I am going mad. And for me it’s not just awful pain which I get in my lower back coming up to my period or the horrible dizzy spells or the terrible bowel problems I suffer from. ( “Vague symptoms” which is the latest contribution from a family member- they don’t seem vague to me I tells ya !!!)
It’s that feeling of never being a ‘reliable’ human.
I have had to leave jobs because of this illness.I have had an eating disorder as I thought I could control my illness through food and became obsessed. I have lain on my couch with zero energy feeling like the laziest person in the world.
‘ But you don’t seem sick when I see you’
No I tend to avoid you when I am unwell because over the years it has become embarrassing to have to say ‘ yes I am sick again… yes really’. So no I don’t seem sick when we meet but ask yourself how many times I have ‘flaked’ on you?
Anyway this is just an opening rant and introduction and I will tackle all the various aspects of it as time goes by and things that I find help me with both physical and mental symptoms. The poetry has definitely been an outlet but I hope that this is more of a tangible post on a chronic illness. Just because I’m not screaming in pain doesn’t mean the impact of having cyclical bowel problems or severe back pain isn’t life changing.
So please if you can relate, let me know and if you know someone who is in similar situation then be kind 🙂
Please keep reading xxx
More words less slump.