Do WHAT you can, WHEN you can

I fell asleep last night on the couch at 8 pm (Like a boss)! My husband and son worked their way around me and I knew I should wake up. I knew I should try to wash the dishes, put a wash on. But I couldn’t.

Had I run a marathon ? Had I been cleaning all day ? Nope. I was exhausted plain and simple. Except it’s predictably cliched in that it’s never simple and I always feel so fucking guilty.

I had such good intentions for this last week. I wanted to clean more, walk more , write more, pack more boxes for our imminent move. Be more sprite than shite. Instead I had back pain, dizzy spells and always encroaching exhaustion.

That was my bad Endometriosis week. And I’m lucky. The pain was not agonizing like I’ve heard it can be for others. But the dizziness … and the lack of energy. Well these are the things that disrupt my life. And I try the tough love on myself. I’m not going easy on myself. This was another comment from a helpful family member.

Easy on myself? She doesn’t know me at all !

Anyway less ranting this week.

Instead let me tell you about my visit to a friend who has Endo. Way more severe than me. She can’t have kids and her ovary is fused to her stomach. But she had more compassion and understanding for me than anyone I know ( Bar my wonderful husband and Bff- I am very lucky). I will leave you with her words of true Endo wisdom:

“Don’t fookin apologise for yourself, don’t look for validation of your illness from anyone else and don’t waste your little energy trying to please people.

Do WHAT you can , WHEN you can and fuck em.

She is my guru. xxx

Thanks for reading. Hope you are doing the best you can when you can and if not the best … that’s fucking ok too 😀

(c) Slumpless

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Sweet Streets

How sweet the pavement seemed today

I licked it as I walked.

Consumed the lemon light

It’s zesty beams resting lightly in my mouth.

I’m leaving you see..

And nothing makes the street seem sweeter

Than knowing that soon I will walk it no more

Those trudging,weighted steps of yesterday

Seem so far away.

A hop, skip and a lump in my throat

I will miss the smiling man on his bike

The old, shuffling lady with her bowled over gait

And most of all,

I will miss you.

The streets where you live.

Where your candy kisses coated my tongue

And your sherbert eyes still fizzle in my brain.

(C) Slumpless

Chronic Me ( ‘You don’t seem sick’)

Hi all

Up to now I have kept my posts poetic however today I delve a little deeper and hope you will join me on this journey. I have had a shit show of a month where everything that could go wrong did.. and basically this seems to be the cycle my life is in.

There are a million reasons for this but I am going to address what I see is the main one and hope that this helps other people going through something similar.

First let me point out that just because my story isn’t a cookie cutter version of yours, doesn’t mean we can’t feel the same.

I say this because I have been looking all over the net for similar versions of my illness but seem to fail at even being sick enough 😀 this is doing nothing for my self-esteem!

Basically I have endometriosis which is where scar tissue (similar to the lining of the uterus) grows where it shouldn’t. This is not the most in depth explanation but that’s not the important part for me.

The part that matters is how I feel and the impact this illness has had on my life and relationships.

I am picking this time in my life because I really feel I have had to justify myself over and over to people especially family.

I also suffer from depression and I am not sure whether this is a result of having a chronic illness or just an unrelated issue all of its own. My search for approval of my illness and for people to believe me, has done nothing but make me feel desperate and alone.

Andthe bloody awful thing is that there are days when I feel I am going mad. And for me it’s not just awful pain which I get in my lower back coming up to my period or the horrible dizzy spells or the terrible bowel problems I suffer from. ( “Vague symptoms” which is the latest contribution from a family member- they don’t seem vague to me I tells ya !!!)

It’s that feeling of never being a ‘reliable’ human.

I have had to leave jobs because of this illness.I have had an eating disorder as I thought I could control my illness through food and became obsessed. I have lain on my couch with zero energy feeling like the laziest person in the world.

‘ But you don’t seem sick when I see you’

No I tend to avoid you when I am unwell because over the years it has become embarrassing to have to say ‘ yes I am sick again… yes really’. So no I don’t seem sick when we meet but ask yourself how many times I have ‘flaked’ on you?

Anyway this is just an opening rant and introduction and I will tackle all the various aspects of it as time goes by and things that I find help me with both physical and mental symptoms. The poetry has definitely been an outlet but I hope that this is more of a tangible post on a chronic illness. Just because I’m not screaming in pain doesn’t mean the impact of having cyclical bowel problems or severe back pain isn’t life changing.

So please if you can relate, let me know and if you know someone who is in similar situation then be kind 🙂

Please keep reading xxx

More words less slump.

(c)Slumpless

Standby Me

I was just an option

A page in your twirling filofax

Spin.Spin. Spin.

Did I win ?

Is it me today ?

I had torn the pages out of my book

Burnt some of them.

For you.

You were it.

For me.

A,B,C all the way to Xxx

Now I’ve got the hump

I feel like a chump.

Again.

(C) Slumpless

Confession

It’s not tidy this depression thing

You can’t wrap me up in cellophane

Mask the pain.

I won’t react or act the way I should

Do the things a proper depressed person could

Slit my wrists or cut my arms

My depression lacks those usual harms.

But I will definitely push you away.

Get angry when you judge my ways.

Because depression isn’t what the leaflet says.

It comes in all sorts of wrapping

A hard crash of the skull or an incessant nagging.

I’m sorry if I can’t be the one you save

By encouraging me to remain brave

By telling me to try to get out of bed

Any advice on how to leave my head?

So let’s call this a true confession

From me to you about my depression

It’s not neat certainly not light

So don’t get annoyed if I don’t get it right.

(C) Slumpless

Hi Tide

It wasn’t just the salt on my skin

The golden shimmer on the rippling shore

It wasn’t my immersion into cool sloshing waves

Nor the sweet grip of the tide on my back.

I lay, bobbing on the ever changing surface

And felt the swell take over me.

It wasn’t just the swimming

It was the giving of myself to a power greater than my limbs could fathom

The surrender to a pull that knows no end

Ruled by moon perhaps but I prefer the tilting theory

A basin tipped by a whirling sphere

A sphere tipped by an unknow hand.

So I dove under.

Forgot the orange peel that had beached me for years

The uneven tone of a too many wobbling folds.

I swam. I swam. I swam.

I was mermaid for a day until the dusky touch of a falling sun

Beckoned me back to shore.

(C)Slumpless

Vinegar

You must be made of bitter stuff

How else are you able to sting so much ?

The very tongue I thought was made of honey

Is forked.

The fingers that stopped my rattles

Are spears, dipped in vinegar

And you pour it into my wounds

Like I’m a newspaper full of fries.

Lies. LIES. Lies.

You undermined everything with spiralling secrets.

And now I can’t see the sky for the trees

The love for the pleas

The never ending clockwork circle

I’m wound up.

Turning like a silly soldier

Into the fire but no little tin heart.

Just a puddle where I was once a thing

For you to play with then burn.

(C) Slumpless