I longed for solvation
The kind that allows you to work it all out in one fell swoop.
I tried. I did. I tried.
I could not sit. I could not sleep.
My resolve was to solve.
I did my best with everyone
I brushed things under the rug
Hug. Hug. Hug.
I hugged it out.
I wanted everyone in neat littles boxes.
Like me. Like me.
I wanted you all to like me.
I paid no heed as pieces fell off.
A chip here or there.
It was worth it wasn’t it ?
But people don’t like mess.
And they complained that I was no longer enough.
I cut my arms off for you
But you wanted me whole.
And only when I was a torso lying in the dirt
Did I see the truth of it all.
It’s a tug of war .
And if I give a little
You take a mile.
If I smirk a little
You want a smile.
So I stand firmer now
And hope you admire my might
And if you don’t
Tough fooking shite.
I asked myself for the hundredth time
What will I do ? What will I do ?
Should I ? Could I ? May I ?
I looked to you for a pat on the head
Each nod another nail in my scaffolding.
Each an apparent strengthening of a weak structure underneath.
I was under the illusion that you kept me up.
But meanwhile a quiet hand was busy inside
Putting cement in the cracks
Strengthening the original.
A soft whisper reminding me that once I stood alone.
No outside work necessary to hold my bones.
Little by little I dismantled your hold
The nails weren’t even fully in.
The wood you used was weak
The metal bars prone to leaks.
So when you fell, I didn’t fall
I had no need for an outer wall
The stone and rock that made me… me
Had been enough but I didn’t see
I looked to others for so much approval
Yet was strong enough after their removal
The walls I had were strong not frail
Without the input of your nails.
Calling all “chickens and cowards”
Calling all those who are afraid
Calling all who lie awake at night
And who sleep through the day
It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok.
I am you. You are me.
We may never be free.
We may never walk unshackled in the meadows
Jump off the cliff into the sea.
That’s ok. That’s ok. That’s ok.
But you are reading me.
And I am reading you.
We don’t need constant light
To write. To right. To write.
So put down the whip you use on your back
The one that tells you , you are not good enough
Put down the app that makes you feel you are not living your best life
You are living.
Day by day. Minute by minute. Second to second.
You are a warrior. Fighting your own war.
The fear you feel is not your fault
Do not go gently into the vault
Take it. Wield it. Continue to fight.
If all else fails..
There’s a word for someone like you
But I haven’t found it yet
What you are is not in my vocabulary
I was never taught the rules by which you play
The map by which you live
There’s a word for you, there has to be
I’m not sure what it is
As I’m not sure what you are.
There’s a whisper on the wind since the first time we kissed
Nar… Nar… Narcissist.
“I think God is the first person who died”
That’s what my seven year old said as he we played together.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
I had never considered that.
Also I had never considered the very first person who died.
Where was their heaven if one believes in such things ?
Who greeted them in that tunnel of light ?
No prophet yet born. No lamb of God shorn.
Was it the Devil ?
That doesn’t seem fair.
Sent to his lair.
Or hers. For just being first.
Man or woman ? Was it Adam or Eve?
Whatever you believe. Somebody was the first to go.
The first to leave.
Before all the fuss of what to follow
Makes it all seem hollow.
Dare I say silly ?
Dare I ?
I won’t go where you want me to. Won’t lie where you think I will.
I am always on the sill.
I will stand on your shoulders and when you can no longer bear it
I will take hold of a branch and climb like an ape.
Up, up, up, I will go.
You’re too slow
You can’t hold on,you see?
I am earth and sky.
I walk. I fly.
Unable to be pinned.
Tuna not tinned.
To swim in the sea.
Animal. Cannibal. Bird.
I move with the herd.
You lag behind my friend.
I’m not saying it’s the end.
It’s definitely not the beginning.
Somewhere in the middle.
Somewhere wild and open
Don’t ruin it with ‘hopin’.
(c)Slumpless(originally posted 30.03.17)
Be careful with me
I have a heart that knows no limits
A soul that will search for embers in every cavity of you
Long after the fire dies out.
Because it has already begun
That gentle drum
Louder and faster
Until it hums and I float mid-air
Waiting for your nectar.
Don’t play with light
If you can’t take the glare.
Careful lover. Careful.
I have a bellyful of you but I still want more.
I swallowed my pride
I let you be snide
I bit my tongue. I bit my tongue.
I allowed you to lecture me
I allowed you to scold
As if I was four years old.
I know I’m not perfect.
I’m not perfect.
You can’t help yourself though.
You give with one hand
While your teeth bite away the gift.
Causing a rift.
Another gift. Another rift.
I hate asking for help.
I hate having to beg
I don’t think you mean it
There are a million lessons you need to teach
But it comes out all preach.
Get off that podium.
Speak to me face to face.
Not the disgrace you make me.
You made me.
YOU made me.
Then came the shame
Hot and sharp across my body
I convulsed as I washed the dishes.
How did I let you ever make me feel that way ?
How did I let you think it was ok ?
Fuck you and all you stood for.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Fuck you and the pain you caused me
The way you paused me
And played me.
Played me like a fool.
But there’s a core of steel in here
And inside that there’s fire.
It keeps burning fucker.
But not for you.
When in the middle of palpable desire
It is hard to imagine how anyone’s fire
can be set alight by anything other than want and wanting.
I quit that need.
I wish to move to less flaming coals
The ones that keep me warm but do not singe my lashes.
I have surfed the wave of molton rock and burnt my feet
I reached pinnacles that left my hair full of stars
As my breath became part of Saturn’s rings.
All these things… fuelled me and kept me shining
The love , the loss, the pining
And so on and so on.
But now my roots prefer the earth to be steady
And although I still sway with the wind , I am not taken with it.
I am no longer taken, no longer shaken.
A match is no good for a tree
You were no good for me.
Everyone should have a tree in a field somewhere
The one you would run to when the world turns black
The one in the meadow you pass on the train each day
which reminds you that some things are always still.
That in all the rush there is hush. There is lush.
I have a tree.
It’s boughs just right for hanging my coat
Its leaves gentle enough to give me shade but not block out the sun.
One day I will get off a stop early
One day I will clamber over the fence into that field.
One day I will lie there with nothing but a chirping to add sound to my sad day.
One day. Not today
Rest not on your laurels
Always be ready to run or retreat
The hand that fed you and cupped your breast
Can tighten its fingers around your neck.
Your nest may have feathers now
But remember the twigs
Sooner or later they can snap
And so will you and all you built.
So rest easy for now. You’re allowed pause
But always be ready with your get out claws