Do WHAT you can, WHEN you can

I fell asleep last night on the couch at 8 pm (Like a boss)! My husband and son worked their way around me and I knew I should wake up. I knew I should try to wash the dishes, put a wash on. But I couldn’t.

Had I run a marathon ? Had I been cleaning all day ? Nope. I was exhausted plain and simple. Except it’s predictably cliched in that it’s never simple and I always feel so fucking guilty.

I had such good intentions for this last week. I wanted to clean more, walk more , write more, pack more boxes for our imminent move. Be more sprite than shite. Instead I had back pain, dizzy spells and always encroaching exhaustion.

That was my bad Endometriosis week. And I’m lucky. The pain was not agonizing like I’ve heard it can be for others. But the dizziness … and the lack of energy. Well these are the things that disrupt my life. And I try the tough love on myself. I’m not going easy on myself. This was another comment from a helpful family member.

Easy on myself? She doesn’t know me at all !

Anyway less ranting this week.

Instead let me tell you about my visit to a friend who has Endo. Way more severe than me. She can’t have kids and her ovary is fused to her stomach. But she had more compassion and understanding for me than anyone I know ( Bar my wonderful husband and Bff- I am very lucky). I will leave you with her words of true Endo wisdom:

“Don’t fookin apologise for yourself, don’t look for validation of your illness from anyone else and don’t waste your little energy trying to please people.

Do WHAT you can , WHEN you can and fuck em.

She is my guru. xxx

Thanks for reading. Hope you are doing the best you can when you can and if not the best … that’s fucking ok too 😀

(c) Slumpless

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Bigger Me

Where do I draw the line ?

When does being the bigger person, make you feel small ?

Another apology on righteous ears

To stop my tears ?

Is it brave to forgive ?

Better to forget and live ?

Maybe courage is just letting go

Of something old,borrowed and blue.

You.

(C) Slumpless

Catching Stars

I can’t hope to catch the stars

Their jagged edges would cut through my net

And then what ?

To have but for a moment

Shimmering shine.

All mine.

But then for it to go?

How could my feet touch soil

My hands and body toil

Day after mutinous day

When my light had gone away?

I won’t lie in the gutter and look at the stars

I will hold the moon

Swing like a baboon.

I will not search for heaven on earth

Magic ends at birth

I will strap myself to comet

Whirl and soar and bathe in whispy galaxy

I will be part of the dream

Rather than the sleep

I will become the starlight

While you below shall weep.

(C) Slumpless

Medusa

I must have met Medusa

For a brief moment.

Enough to turn my heart to stone.

Those snakes in her hair

Each of them with their own wicked agenda

Each the root of the cause

A heart that never thaws.

(C) Slumpless

Atmosfear

I brought you stardust.

I went all the way up to the heavens

And gathered it in the palm of my hands.

I fought my way back into your murky atmosphere

Just to get a nod. A pat on the head.

But instead of warm air I got a vacuum

Cold and harsh

You suck the life from me.

How can there be lust

Without a sprinkle of stardust?

(C)Slumpless

Away

I wanted to get far away from you child

From your red eyes, your running nose

I wanted to run too.

But away, away, away.

Away from your tears and your brother’s too.

Away from him. Away from you.

I can’t bear it you see?

All that grief. All that pain

I can’t hold it in, can’t explain.

And I feel myself blowing up like those fish.

And it’s not my place to cry.

My father didn’t die.

It’s not mine to take away from you.

Not my sad story this time.

So I must leave.

Not because I don’t want to hold you.

Not because my heart doesn’t ache for your sad eyes

But because my body can’t behave like others and stay calm

Because your grief is mine too

Your loss mine to see and feel

Because he held your hands everyday

As I do my son on the way to school

And because we walked past you every day and waved.

He formed a familiar background to the daily grind.

His eyes were warm, his smile was kind.

So now you know why I must run.

Not for me

I run for you. For your brother. Your mother.

I run away, away, away.

I run from the desolate grief you hold.

I run because you can’t.

I run or else I’ll fold.

(C) Slumpless

Tease

“Tease the light.” He said

Let it in but not to stay.

Allow its brightness, momentary rest in your eyes.

Too long and you will turn blind.

Too long and it will burn the irises of your soul.

“Tease the light” he said.

It comes from a million miles away

To brighten up your day.

But there are black holes out there and if you stare too long into space.

They’ll eat up your face.

(C) Slumpless