I say your name but there is no reverberation.
The universe just won’t play ball
The ground shrugs its shoulders.
It knows better too.
I close my eyes and try to remember softness
But my heart is laughing
And suddenly I am laughing too
There is no you. There never was.
Just a series of blips falling somewhere on alien ears.
There are no bits or bytes
No silly fights
Just a silence made lighter by your absence
And a life lived so much better without your acid making it bitter.
I said sorry when I didn’t mean it.
I wanted to shrug off the shawl of unease
To try to please…
I said sorry for something I didn’t do
But for my reaction to you.
It was a lie.
Just like yours.
I learned from the best after all.
But I take it back.
I didn’t mean to apologise
To the person who lies and lies.
You made your bed of those
And in it you repose.
You’re at peace with a life of strife
But I pity your future wife.
I’ll just be the crazy Ex
You’ll shrug your shoulders… Perplexed.
Oh I’m the one that got away.
I ran you see ? I ran and ran.
Sorry ? No I’m fucking not.
I cannot read others’ emotions
They weigh too heavy on me
The words nestle too long in my sad soul
I cannot take in extra luggage
I cannot carry the heaviness of a thousand writers
All I can do is emit, expel to propel.
I can only hope that a lighter heart can share my burden or at least let my words wash through them.
I am much too much a sieve.
I am too easily spent with others
I found perturbed slumber in between the craggy folds of an old blanket
Nestled into a dark room wishing it were smaller.
Only a cocoon would do the trick ,
Tighten around me and let me rest while I grew and changed.
Instead I settle for fitful sleep
Where all the lies you ever told
Make me see there was no baseline with you.
“Hello”, could mean anything.
The intent of your very smile
Will keep me wondering.
But only for a while.
I squandered my dreams on you already
And it’s giving me no good answer, no peace.
So I make my own.
No need for you to explain.
I understand more than you think
And I think more than you can ever understand.
I know what you are. Not of my earth or air.
I would dissect you further but I really don’t care.
This time I take full blame
For playing your game.
I can’t pretend I didn’t see the outcome
Oh and out it came.
The beautiful, searing truth.
The kind that wakes you in the night with disbelief.
I did that before.
How could you be so … so…
So fucking awful. So fucking you.
So fucking what ?
There are no surprises.
So I take full blame.
Add it to the list
Of things that keep happening
With a narcissist.
There are those who are not aware
Who gobble up air
Like it was all theirs for the taking
Who take whomping big skips that leave the ground shaking.
They get all up in our space
Right up in your face.
Fuck you. I live here too.
Close your mouth when you chew.
Don’t pick that zit on the bus.
Sweet fucking Jesus !
Stop a minute and see
It’s not just you.
And him. And her.
Not just a blur.
You think therefore you are ?
Or have you not thought that far ?
Well now is the time to open your eyes
See the world not the lies.
This life isn’t a selfie or a pic
So quit being a dick.
I will take over your senses with relentless sound
Sing you to sleep then whisper you awake.
I will camp on your tongue, spooning only velvet texture down your throat.
Your skin will be oiled smooth, by my hands
And when you hear a song you will think only of me.
Taste ,touch ,sight all will be my plight…
I will make you forget the moon and the sun
And when I finally become your everything..
I will run
Only the faint memory of a million kisses will set your hair on end.
This is what I do my friend.
I blind you with my heat
Deafen your senses.
Leave. You grieve.