All I have is time to think
And I used to feel bad for that.
But blessed are the thinkers, the thoughtful.
We do it for those who don’t have time
To ponder the sublime
Those who toil in mortal coil.
Who plough the heavy soil.
Oh but I am not made of heaven yet
My coil is weak so my soul must be light
I fight in theories and rings surrounded by ropes of a million philosophies.
I see the patterns in a web you weave
Because I can leave. I can pause for thought.
So blessed are the workers ,the feeders the bleeders the strong
Those who think they can do no wrong
Those who move without thinking
Because stopping is sinking.
But the heavens are lit by weaker creatures like me
Whose bodies are not cut of diamonds but whose minds are made to shine
My pushups are of a different muscles
A strength built up for a different core
My legs might be heavy
But my mind doth soar.
Better to hide under a stone
Can a human hibernate ?
I would if I could.
But endless life just gets in the way of what I need.
For sleep. For sleep. For nothing.
Can’t a person just be for fuck’s sake ?
Without the wake ?
Not forever just a while.
Until I can smile…
Or pretend to.
I fell asleep last night on the couch at 8 pm (Like a boss)! My husband and son worked their way around me and I knew I should wake up. I knew I should try to wash the dishes, put a wash on. But I couldn’t.
Had I run a marathon ? Had I been cleaning all day ? Nope. I was exhausted plain and simple. Except it’s predictably cliched in that it’s never simple and I always feel so fucking guilty.
I had such good intentions for this last week. I wanted to clean more, walk more , write more, pack more boxes for our imminent move. Be more sprite than shite. Instead I had back pain, dizzy spells and always encroaching exhaustion.
That was my bad Endometriosis week. And I’m lucky. The pain was not agonizing like I’ve heard it can be for others. But the dizziness … and the lack of energy. Well these are the things that disrupt my life. And I try the tough love on myself. I’m not going easy on myself. This was another comment from a helpful family member.
Easy on myself? She doesn’t know me at all !
Anyway less ranting this week.
Instead let me tell you about my visit to a friend who has Endo. Way more severe than me. She can’t have kids and her ovary is fused to her stomach. But she had more compassion and understanding for me than anyone I know ( Bar my wonderful husband and Bff- I am very lucky). I will leave you with her words of true Endo wisdom:
“Don’t fookin apologise for yourself, don’t look for validation of your illness from anyone else and don’t waste your little energy trying to please people.
Do WHAT you can , WHEN you can and fuck em.
She is my guru. xxx
Thanks for reading. Hope you are doing the best you can when you can and if not the best … that’s fucking ok too 😀