Every night we learn to die,
to forget the mass of flesh and bone
and travel beyond the realms of our perceived lives.
Every closing of the eyes,we leave and live a million lives.
A jumble of different things
Some formed of unfinished thoughts
Others with nothing we have seen before.
Every night we learn the abandonment of a cage we call home,
Yet we fear the day when there is no return.
So I learn to think of death as I would a house move.
Not as close to those I once lived near but still in their sphere.
Not all alone
But in a new home.
And when I left
I was pinned to the stars I once looked at
Hooked to the constellations
Swinging from the moon.
I became the swirling universe
But I felt nothing but peace.
There were no more ‘shoulds’
No more regrets.
I wasn’t missing out, you see?
I am everywhere and everything.
I am in you and with you and always will.
How can I be sad I’m gone ?
I know you are.
You look for me in the star.
The one we named together.
But don’t crane your neck to see me
As I craned mine to see those before.
For I am more.
More than just heavens.
More than hell.
I am all.
And I am well.
No one came to my funeral.
No sobs . No cries.
I was most surprised.
Had they even noticed I was gone?
Had they forgotten to put an ad in the paper?
Had they forgotten to update ‘RIP.ie’?
I’m dead. I’m dead. I know.
So what does it matter?
But it does you see ?
It’s a soul’s job to listen to hear about its life.
‘Loving mother and wife.’
Or something like that.
But there is only silence.
And only the wind howls.
Where are you my child ?
You suckled at my breast.
I built you a nest.
You took shelter under my wing once.
When did you take flight for good?
Was my approval so important to you?
I suppose it must have been.
And what about you my ex.
Are you still vexed?
We ended things amicably.
Clearly not. You’re away while I rot.
What about you friends?
Is this really the end?
I know I forgot to call you back
I know I missed the odd wedding or two
Oh dear. Oh dear.
All the little things I didn’t do.
And now all I see is an empty pew.
I lost her to the sea
To something bigger than me
To a pull that would never leave her standing
To a depth that knows no landing
No end. No end.
This pain. This pain.
I’ve lost her to the waves to the roar
To the shipwreck at their shore
I’ve lost my maiden I’ve lost her well
To that navy blue ominous swell.
And nobody mourned her death
Except for a single white rose that bobbed in the wind
And from the corner of my eye reminded me of her return in the morning
Soft and cautious on the gravel
Her miaow catching the wind
Her little soul my only companion on many a rainy day.
As you dwindled on the pyre
Sparks flew higher and higher.
Then one brave spark came to me
I watched it flicker, it was all I could see.
Through my stomach it burnt its way
And I was filled with you and what you could do
The magic spark that your life was made of
Was the making of mine now.
I knew I had power.
You had bitten me in death
With your smokey breath
While your embers are still burning
I am already turning.
‘Oh you’re a wiry one’
She would say this without malice but the words hurt all the same.
Did she mean sharp? I have a sharp tongue I’m told and it slices strips off you.
Maybe she meant that I could never sit still
That there was a tremor in my blood
Electricity always running through my core
Well I tell you, I’m electric no more.
‘Is there a pulse?’ I hear this in the distance but all I see is her face and slow thud of my heart fading.
‘ A wiry one’. I smile inside.
I’ll ask her what she meant.
‘He was in love with you.. did you know that?’
It’s too late now. Too late.
What can I do ?
Look back at all the gazes
All those confusing moments
I thought I had imagined them all
That I had been the only one to fall.
‘no one knew it except me. He was afraid .. you see?’
He was afraid and so was I
It’s too late now to even cry.
I am silent now as they put you in the ground.
Nothing but my heart making a sound.
It’s beating right out of chest
As your lovely body is laid to rest.
Now all I can think about is that day
When you were supposed to meet me
But you didn’t.
And I never called you again.
I will forgive you…
When you’re dead
When the worms have consumed your smug smile
When you can no longer haunt me, taunt me.
The living make better ghosts you see
Their pulsing hearts, their burning desire
Add to fuel to my fire.
‘Let it go.. let it go’ ?
Forgiveness will heal you?
Bah. Nah. NO!
I thrive on this anger
I combust with that flame.
Forgiveness is for the corpses
Forgiveness is for the lame.
‘Oh to die a hero’
Is there anything better?’
Assuming we’ll feel pride when we are dead.
So you believe in the afterlife ?
No. No. No.
Then why bother dying a hero?
But if you believe in more
You believe in a soul
Then dying for the right thing
Must be your goal.
The terrible thing though
Is that what you deem to be true
Is completely different to my point of view
So please never ever, cause alarm
It is not your destiny to do harm
You must not interfere
It is never your role
To decide the passing of another soul.
Go into the earth
From flesh to dust.
No more lust.
Go into the soil
You’ve left this mortal coil
Wound so tight around your neck.
You’ve taken it upon yourself,
Some might say.
But it was never a choice
That terrible voice.
Go into the dark my dear
But step into the light
There were always shadows
But in between was bright.
It makes me sad to think that after all this bluster
This whole-hearted muster
The passion and fire
The burning desire
A little girl or boy one day will say:
‘Who was she?’
Even though their blood will be linked down lines
Though their eyes may hold the same dark gaze
They won’t be amazed .
They may not even ask or mention
I might not get any attention.
I’ll be just bone and worm.
It’s ok , It’s ok, you can squirm.
I’m uncomfortable too.
After all the arcs and waves of life
After all the hope, the strife.
What is left?
Who indeed was she?
If they can’t answer. Neither can I.
I am after all …. just me.