Sweet Streets

How sweet the pavement seemed today

I licked it as I walked.

Consumed the lemon light

It’s zesty beams resting lightly in my mouth.

I’m leaving you see..

And nothing makes the street seem sweeter

Than knowing that soon I will walk it no more

Those trudging,weighted steps of yesterday

Seem so far away.

A hop, skip and a lump in my throat

I will miss the smiling man on his bike

The old, shuffling lady with her bowled over gait

And most of all,

I will miss you.

The streets where you live.

Where your candy kisses coated my tongue

And your sherbert eyes still fizzle in my brain.

(C) Slumpless

Advertisements

Bigger Me

Where do I draw the line ?

When does being the bigger person, make you feel small ?

Another apology on righteous ears

To stop my tears ?

Is it brave to forgive ?

Better to forget and live ?

Maybe courage is just letting go

Of something old,borrowed and blue.

You.

(C) Slumpless

Chronic Me ( ‘You don’t seem sick’)

Hi all

Up to now I have kept my posts poetic however today I delve a little deeper and hope you will join me on this journey. I have had a shit show of a month where everything that could go wrong did.. and basically this seems to be the cycle my life is in.

There are a million reasons for this but I am going to address what I see is the main one and hope that this helps other people going through something similar.

First let me point out that just because my story isn’t a cookie cutter version of yours, doesn’t mean we can’t feel the same.

I say this because I have been looking all over the net for similar versions of my illness but seem to fail at even being sick enough 😀 this is doing nothing for my self-esteem!

Basically I have endometriosis which is where scar tissue (similar to the lining of the uterus) grows where it shouldn’t. This is not the most in depth explanation but that’s not the important part for me.

The part that matters is how I feel and the impact this illness has had on my life and relationships.

I am picking this time in my life because I really feel I have had to justify myself over and over to people especially family.

I also suffer from depression and I am not sure whether this is a result of having a chronic illness or just an unrelated issue all of its own. My search for approval of my illness and for people to believe me, has done nothing but make me feel desperate and alone.

Andthe bloody awful thing is that there are days when I feel I am going mad. And for me it’s not just awful pain which I get in my lower back coming up to my period or the horrible dizzy spells or the terrible bowel problems I suffer from. ( “Vague symptoms” which is the latest contribution from a family member- they don’t seem vague to me I tells ya !!!)

It’s that feeling of never being a ‘reliable’ human.

I have had to leave jobs because of this illness.I have had an eating disorder as I thought I could control my illness through food and became obsessed. I have lain on my couch with zero energy feeling like the laziest person in the world.

‘ But you don’t seem sick when I see you’

No I tend to avoid you when I am unwell because over the years it has become embarrassing to have to say ‘ yes I am sick again… yes really’. So no I don’t seem sick when we meet but ask yourself how many times I have ‘flaked’ on you?

Anyway this is just an opening rant and introduction and I will tackle all the various aspects of it as time goes by and things that I find help me with both physical and mental symptoms. The poetry has definitely been an outlet but I hope that this is more of a tangible post on a chronic illness. Just because I’m not screaming in pain doesn’t mean the impact of having cyclical bowel problems or severe back pain isn’t life changing.

So please if you can relate, let me know and if you know someone who is in similar situation then be kind 🙂

Please keep reading xxx

More words less slump.

(c)Slumpless

Standby Me

I was just an option

A page in your twirling filofax

Spin.Spin. Spin.

Did I win ?

Is it me today ?

I had torn the pages out of my book

Burnt some of them.

For you.

You were it.

For me.

A,B,C all the way to Xxx

Now I’ve got the hump

I feel like a chump.

Again.

(C) Slumpless

Confetti

The sharp, piercing blade of your mouth

Shredded me to confetti

I was airborne. Torn.

Was it better to be scattered though?

Perhaps the pieces of me held together by comfortable glue

Were now going places.

Each tiny, fluttering scrap had eyes to see.

More vision than the old me.

And when this ache of being hacked up fades

All the tiny fragments will return to the fold

And I will be wiser, braver and bold.

(C) Slumpless

Confession

It’s not tidy this depression thing

You can’t wrap me up in cellophane

Mask the pain.

I won’t react or act the way I should

Do the things a proper depressed person could

Slit my wrists or cut my arms

My depression lacks those usual harms.

But I will definitely push you away.

Get angry when you judge my ways.

Because depression isn’t what the leaflet says.

It comes in all sorts of wrapping

A hard crash of the skull or an incessant nagging.

I’m sorry if I can’t be the one you save

By encouraging me to remain brave

By telling me to try to get out of bed

Any advice on how to leave my head?

So let’s call this a true confession

From me to you about my depression

It’s not neat certainly not light

So don’t get annoyed if I don’t get it right.

(C) Slumpless

Hi Tide

It wasn’t just the salt on my skin

The golden shimmer on the rippling shore

It wasn’t my immersion into cool sloshing waves

Nor the sweet grip of the tide on my back.

I lay, bobbing on the ever changing surface

And felt the swell take over me.

It wasn’t just the swimming

It was the giving of myself to a power greater than my limbs could fathom

The surrender to a pull that knows no end

Ruled by moon perhaps but I prefer the tilting theory

A basin tipped by a whirling sphere

A sphere tipped by an unknow hand.

So I dove under.

Forgot the orange peel that had beached me for years

The uneven tone of a too many wobbling folds.

I swam. I swam. I swam.

I was mermaid for a day until the dusky touch of a falling sun

Beckoned me back to shore.

(C)Slumpless