I cannot but note the checkered path you walk.
Light. Shadow. Light. Shadow.
Both in equal measure
Casting pain then dispersing pleasure.
It is this half life you lead
One foot in Heaven, the other in Hell.
Heaven. Hell. Heaven. Hell.
The veil between the two
Means nothing to you.
You never ask
In which pool I bask?
The tepid water is not for me.
I require the sea.
The clean, mean, wash of a million waves
Save. Safe. Saves
This is not a mermaid’s tale.
It is my story. My glory.
I won’t sit on a rock and comb my hair
Looking to you for all my air.
So If you wish to swim by my side.
Then pick one.
I longed for solvation
The kind that allows you to work it all out in one fell swoop.
I tried. I did. I tried.
I could not sit. I could not sleep.
My resolve was to solve.
I did my best with everyone
I brushed things under the rug
Hug. Hug. Hug.
I hugged it out.
I wanted everyone in neat littles boxes.
Like me. Like me.
I wanted you all to like me.
I paid no heed as pieces fell off.
A chip here or there.
It was worth it wasn’t it ?
But people don’t like mess.
And they complained that I was no longer enough.
I cut my arms off for you
But you wanted me whole.
And only when I was a torso lying in the dirt
Did I see the truth of it all.
It’s a tug of war .
And if I give a little
You take a mile.
If I smirk a little
You want a smile.
So I stand firmer now
And hope you admire my might
And if you don’t
Tough fooking shite.
I asked myself for the hundredth time
What will I do ? What will I do ?
Should I ? Could I ? May I ?
I looked to you for a pat on the head
Each nod another nail in my scaffolding.
Each an apparent strengthening of a weak structure underneath.
I was under the illusion that you kept me up.
But meanwhile a quiet hand was busy inside
Putting cement in the cracks
Strengthening the original.
A soft whisper reminding me that once I stood alone.
No outside work necessary to hold my bones.
Little by little I dismantled your hold
The nails weren’t even fully in.
The wood you used was weak
The metal bars prone to leaks.
So when you fell, I didn’t fall
I had no need for an outer wall
The stone and rock that made me… me
Had been enough but I didn’t see
I looked to others for so much approval
Yet was strong enough after their removal
The walls I had were strong not frail
Without the input of your nails.
Calling all “chickens and cowards”
Calling all those who are afraid
Calling all who lie awake at night
And who sleep through the day
It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok.
I am you. You are me.
We may never be free.
We may never walk unshackled in the meadows
Jump off the cliff into the sea.
That’s ok. That’s ok. That’s ok.
But you are reading me.
And I am reading you.
We don’t need constant light
To write. To right. To write.
So put down the whip you use on your back
The one that tells you , you are not good enough
Put down the app that makes you feel you are not living your best life
You are living.
Day by day. Minute by minute. Second to second.
You are a warrior. Fighting your own war.
The fear you feel is not your fault
Do not go gently into the vault
Take it. Wield it. Continue to fight.
If all else fails..
Be careful with me
I have a heart that knows no limits
A soul that will search for embers in every cavity of you
Long after the fire dies out.
Because it has already begun
That gentle drum
Louder and faster
Until it hums and I float mid-air
Waiting for your nectar.
Don’t play with light
If you can’t take the glare.
Careful lover. Careful.
I have a bellyful of you but I still want more.
Then came the shame
Hot and sharp across my body
I convulsed as I washed the dishes.
How did I let you ever make me feel that way ?
How did I let you think it was ok ?
Fuck you and all you stood for.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Fuck you and the pain you caused me
The way you paused me
And played me.
Played me like a fool.
But there’s a core of steel in here
And inside that there’s fire.
It keeps burning fucker.
But not for you.
When in the middle of palpable desire
It is hard to imagine how anyone’s fire
can be set alight by anything other than want and wanting.
I quit that need.
I wish to move to less flaming coals
The ones that keep me warm but do not singe my lashes.
I have surfed the wave of molton rock and burnt my feet
I reached pinnacles that left my hair full of stars
As my breath became part of Saturn’s rings.
All these things… fuelled me and kept me shining
The love , the loss, the pining
And so on and so on.
But now my roots prefer the earth to be steady
And although I still sway with the wind , I am not taken with it.
I am no longer taken, no longer shaken.
A match is no good for a tree
You were no good for me.
Everyone should have a tree in a field somewhere
The one you would run to when the world turns black
The one in the meadow you pass on the train each day
which reminds you that some things are always still.
That in all the rush there is hush. There is lush.
I have a tree.
It’s boughs just right for hanging my coat
Its leaves gentle enough to give me shade but not block out the sun.
One day I will get off a stop early
One day I will clamber over the fence into that field.
One day I will lie there with nothing but a chirping to add sound to my sad day.
One day. Not today
I’ll find my way gently through this life
I’ve learned not to erode the rocks I face
That can be another river’s war.
I will meander and find the easier way
Where are my balls you say ?
They’re floating. They’re floating.
I cannot be the sea.
It’s just not me.
I cannot command the force of a thousand leagues
When I am sourced from a puddle.
It’s not a bad thing.
I feed the birds not the herds.
The smaller folk can paddle their feet
While others bomb their way into deeper days
I will burble and gurgle and make the day sound better.
So take a sip. A little dip.
But If you require complete annihilation
I’m not the one for your libation.
All over my hands and feet
Stuck to the souls of me
Garbled grumblings of all I could be
If there was a word that should be trodden upon
Could. Could. Cou…
I’m happy enough in mesh.
One egg a day isn’t so bad.
Even if it’s scrambled.
Send me the winds that once blew the skirts of better women
Let me stir the molten brew through a crack made easy by a circle spawned
The waves that splintered better rock than me, And than thee.
Set them free.
I command the soil and air.
You who think your bones are made of stronger stuff.
Kneel and be humble to the low grumble of a sky gone mad
This lightening should be frightening
It snuffs the bulbs out in your home
To light up the heavens
Don’t be the arrogant hero
On ground zero.
There is a pulsing in the hearth again
That breathes life into the most mundane of things
A child wrapped in a towel
A cat splayed out in the sun
The thud of it all
The pinch of spice into my cauldron
Is all alive with the promise
That day after day after day
It might end the same way
And that my longing for things wild and free
Is right here with me.