I mourn the flesh of her
The weighty warmth of smooth limbs on my back
The delicate scent of hair in my mouth.
I miss the teeth of her.
The laugh she kept for me
The languid repose of her on a Sunday morning.
I miss her mind of course
But it is the flesh of her that leaves its searing emptiness in my soul.
I hug a pillow but it gives beneath my touch
And it is cold.
I wonder is she cold too ?
I close my eyes but all I see is bone. Bones.
The smooth skin going,going. Gone.
It’s all wrong. Without her.
Why do my lungs not give up ?
I think my heart has.
Every night we learn to die,
to forget the mass of flesh and bone
and travel beyond the realms of our perceived lives.
Every closing of the eyes,we leave and live a million lives.
A jumble of different things
Some formed of unfinished thoughts
Others with nothing we have seen before.
Every night we learn the abandonment of a cage we call home,
Yet we fear the day when there is no return.
So I learn to think of death as I would a house move.
Not as close to those I once lived near but still in their sphere.
Not all alone
But in a new home.
And when I left
I was pinned to the stars I once looked at
Hooked to the constellations
Swinging from the moon.
I became the swirling universe
But I felt nothing but peace.
There were no more ‘shoulds’
No more regrets.
I wasn’t missing out, you see?
I am everywhere and everything.
I am in you and with you and always will.
How can I be sad I’m gone ?
I know you are.
You look for me in the star.
The one we named together.
But don’t crane your neck to see me
As I craned mine to see those before.
For I am more.
More than just heavens.
More than hell.
I am all.
And I am well.
No one came to my funeral.
No sobs . No cries.
I was most surprised.
Had they even noticed I was gone?
Had they forgotten to put an ad in the paper?
Had they forgotten to update ‘RIP.ie’?
I’m dead. I’m dead. I know.
So what does it matter?
But it does you see ?
It’s a soul’s job to listen to hear about its life.
‘Loving mother and wife.’
Or something like that.
But there is only silence.
And only the wind howls.
Where are you my child ?
You suckled at my breast.
I built you a nest.
You took shelter under my wing once.
When did you take flight for good?
Was my approval so important to you?
I suppose it must have been.
And what about you my ex.
Are you still vexed?
We ended things amicably.
Clearly not. You’re away while I rot.
What about you friends?
Is this really the end?
I know I forgot to call you back
I know I missed the odd wedding or two
Oh dear. Oh dear.
All the little things I didn’t do.
And now all I see is an empty pew.
As you dwindled on the pyre
Sparks flew higher and higher.
Then one brave spark came to me
I watched it flicker, it was all I could see.
Through my stomach it burnt its way
And I was filled with you and what you could do
The magic spark that your life was made of
Was the making of mine now.
I knew I had power.
You had bitten me in death
With your smokey breath
While your embers are still burning
I am already turning.
‘Oh you’re a wiry one’
She would say this without malice but the words hurt all the same.
Did she mean sharp? I have a sharp tongue I’m told and it slices strips off you.
Maybe she meant that I could never sit still
That there was a tremor in my blood
Electricity always running through my core
Well I tell you, I’m electric no more.
‘Is there a pulse?’ I hear this in the distance but all I see is her face and slow thud of my heart fading.
‘ A wiry one’. I smile inside.
I’ll ask her what she meant.
‘He was in love with you.. did you know that?’
It’s too late now. Too late.
What can I do ?
Look back at all the gazes
All those confusing moments
I thought I had imagined them all
That I had been the only one to fall.
‘no one knew it except me. He was afraid .. you see?’
He was afraid and so was I
It’s too late now to even cry.
I am silent now as they put you in the ground.
Nothing but my heart making a sound.
It’s beating right out of chest
As your lovely body is laid to rest.
Now all I can think about is that day
When you were supposed to meet me
But you didn’t.
And I never called you again.
I fought a good fight
But tonight I need to rest
Lay my head against your chest.
I need to stop for a while
Caus I won’t be any good
Without that gentle
I can fight again tomorrow
I will get up again and start
But for now, just for now
I need your precious heart.
For just a moment I see the light again
The shimmering reasons why
I used to love you more than was ever good for me.
There it is again
Like driving through a tunnel of trees
The light hitting my face in places
The magic promise of what might be waiting
The forgotten glimmer of times gone by.
The clouds come
And the air stills
And I feel all that is bright
All that flashes now
Are the reasons why
I have to leave or