An audience with you
That’s how I feel
All at me.
Ta da.Ta da. Ta daaaa….
Oh wait. Should I clap ?
I’m sorry I zoned out.
Thirty I’s ago.
How am I ?
No you didn’t ask ?
And if you do, I see your eyes glaze over.
Well that’s ok because I’m fine.
I have a mute button too.
And all I see is your mouth.
As if we’re in water.
But where I used to sink.
I now swim upwards for air.
I wanted it all in a neat little box
Not scattered about like the remnants of a Christmas popper.
I wished to have dignity and be better this time
It’s all gone wrong you see?
There is no cellotape for this tear
No ribbon to make nice.
Nothing but ice.ice.
It’s cold behind your back.
You block out all the sun.
But never mind , soon I will run.
I grow tired of trying to tidy
What am I really fighting for anyway ?
A shrug ? Another lie?
Why do I even try ?
Your veins were thick with it when I met you
I felt no fire.
You are nothing but vampire
And I have been bled blind.
Spaghetti words just slip out your mouth
Through your teeth
Oily and filling for those who are willing
They stuck in my guts
A minute on the lips forever in the soul
Or something like that
Either way I’m bloated with them
And I can’t seem to shift this weight
But I’ll do it slowly
This was just a faze
You may be spaghetti
But you are not the Bolognese.
Our love belongs to the sometimes.
You had me once. I was all yours.
But we didn’t work that way.
Night and day.
So meet me in the shadows.
Some lovers need shade.
The sun is for the lizards
We’re better underground
Hiding in dens, warrens.
A trickle of light is all we need
To feed , to feast.
But sometimes at least.
Suddenly and quite epically it is Autumn.
Boughs slinging their crackling confetti in the air.
Frivolous winds, wafting the smell of new fires like a chef gone mad.
Is there anything better than to shed the year’s hardship and be bare again ?
The lessons I have learned fluttering around me,
Beautiful in their shriveled ways.
At last I can start again. Fall ,Splinter,Spring ,Slumber.
What a surprise to remember that there is magic.
To feel so sleepy when those around me jump.
Oh but to wake again!
Snap. Crackle I’m going to explode.
I can’t explain this feeling to those of you who seek the Summer’s balmy nights.
This dormant sizzle that awakes with the slow paint stroke of Autumn’s artistry.
Blessed be sisters.
Blessed be brothers.
We burnt in the sun
But now is our fun.
Splatter. The blood dripped from my nose
Onto the white paper covered in words
And now the essence of me.
Folded into pages. The coursing part of me.
Is it real ? Are we brothers bound in blood ?
Can the tiny trail I leave behind
Serve to remind
The world of my existence ?
Will a girl read these pages and crinkle her nose?
As I crinkle mine to keep from overflowing.
Do I matter ?
Blood on a page can last longer than in my veins.
Passed from hand to hand through the ages
Life on pages.
I had to be born again today.
Free myself of everything I thought I knew.
The net which I assumed would catch my fall
Was never there at all.
The arms that held me before I knew myself
Have turned to stone
I am well and truly alone.
As I hold my own flesh and blood
I am awake again.
I understand that there are no more excuses for their selfish maybes
I could never do this to my own baby.
Not now , not when he’s grown
I will never leave him on his own.
I guess I have to turn to other
When I can’t rely on my own…
I can’t even say it.
It hurts too much.
I am much too blue
The person I loved
I never knew.