I asked myself for the hundredth time
What will I do ? What will I do ?
Should I ? Could I ? May I ?
I looked to you for a pat on the head
Each nod another nail in my scaffolding.
Each an apparent strengthening of a weak structure underneath.
I was under the illusion that you kept me up.
But meanwhile a quiet hand was busy inside
Putting cement in the cracks
Strengthening the original.
A soft whisper reminding me that once I stood alone.
No outside work necessary to hold my bones.
Little by little I dismantled your hold
The nails weren’t even fully in.
The wood you used was weak
The metal bars prone to leaks.
So when you fell, I didn’t fall
I had no need for an outer wall
The stone and rock that made me… me
Had been enough but I didn’t see
I looked to others for so much approval
Yet was strong enough after their removal
The walls I had were strong not frail
Without the input of your nails.
Calling all “chickens and cowards”
Calling all those who are afraid
Calling all who lie awake at night
And who sleep through the day
It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok.
I am you. You are me.
We may never be free.
We may never walk unshackled in the meadows
Jump off the cliff into the sea.
That’s ok. That’s ok. That’s ok.
But you are reading me.
And I am reading you.
We don’t need constant light
To write. To right. To write.
So put down the whip you use on your back
The one that tells you , you are not good enough
Put down the app that makes you feel you are not living your best life
You are living.
Day by day. Minute by minute. Second to second.
You are a warrior. Fighting your own war.
The fear you feel is not your fault
Do not go gently into the vault
Take it. Wield it. Continue to fight.
If all else fails..
I swallowed my pride
I let you be snide
I bit my tongue. I bit my tongue.
I allowed you to lecture me
I allowed you to scold
As if I was four years old.
I know I’m not perfect.
I’m not perfect.
You can’t help yourself though.
You give with one hand
While your teeth bite away the gift.
Causing a rift.
Another gift. Another rift.
I hate asking for help.
I hate having to beg
I don’t think you mean it
There are a million lessons you need to teach
But it comes out all preach.
Get off that podium.
Speak to me face to face.
Not the disgrace you make me.
You made me.
YOU made me.
Don’t project your squalid being onto me
Your no good agenda has not its carbon copy in my book.
There are those of us with no ungodly pursuit
Just a need to breathe.
Try it my dear. Have no fear.
There are only a few with bladed hands
The rest ? We just do our best.
Do not show your fangs because you were bitten once
Do not transfer the disease that is distrust
We will all be dust
So do not push me to the bottom of pool
Don’t lose your cool
Rise above without corpses in your wake
For goodness sake.
And when you fly it will be with wings not a flailing , borne of ill winds.
Let yourself be loved. Let yourself be loved.
We all deserve a crown
Don’t let yours be thorns
Let yourself be loved.
Decadent mortals living as if there was no tomorrow
There won’t be. Not like today.
Throw it away. Throw it away.
Each discarded wrapper is another nail in your plastic sarcophagus.
You think this sphere is just rock ?
It breathes you know.
Its lungs are just as tired as yours will be
Think of all the living things as cells
Then perhaps you won’t create your hell.
Is it worth it for a shiny thing
That no birds sing ?
You and only you must look at your hands
And see the weapons that you each bear
Their ability to tear.
Throw it away ? Another day ?
Do you have one ?
I’m pressed up against your atmosphere
Gazing longingly at your world
I want to get closer but
You are miles away and I would kill your air if I got any closer
There are holes in this o zone
And I can’t fill them or pass through
I’m neither here or there
Hot, cold air.
Cold. So cold.
If I look behind me there is endless black
So I stay.
Face squashed against the one thing you can’t live without
And the only thing keeping me here.
I will never tire of you, just as you are
Sublime perfection, shining in the soft sunshine.
But I can already feel you wilting..tilting towards other flowers
And I have always been ivy
Climbing the walls,
Clinging too tight.
Needing to be ‘cut back’.
They don’t say ‘Ivy power’ do they ?
You hold all the cards petal.
And soon the light will fade.
But where you need heat
I survive in the shade.
I remember everything.
Everything you said
Over and over in my head
Like a gramophone gone rogue
I would be highly accomplished were you an encyclopedia
I could recite you back to front
Instead I hold the secrets of you quiet
Let them burn holes in my pockets
I am wealthy with you
Loaded with the jewels of your soul
I have read the lines on your skin a million times.
Then why do I feel so stupid ?
Love’s fat weight is resting in my torso
A lolloping dollop of a hefty heart
Much too much to carry .
All the fat of yesterday’s joy so entrenched in coronory tract,
That I require a stent.
A scratching off.
A bludgeoning of debris too hardened to come away in the night.
Yours is glass.
Rubbed away easy.
A crime without grime.
Can I change mine now for a lighter model ?
One that beats with ease ?
Pretty please ?
Plastic fantastic or maybe elastic ?
Either way not lead, not filled with dread
Can I have yours instead ?
Don’t press her buttons
Then tell her she’s crazy.
Don’t let her do everything
Then make her feel lazy.
Don’t make her cry
Then call her a moan
Don’t not listen
Then wonder why she groans.
Don’t shut her out
Then ask her why she pouts.
Don’t be a dick
And watch that mean mouth.
Don’t call her a bitch
When she won’t have sex
Don’t not call her
And wonder why she’s vexed.
So many don’t s
So much to remember
But don’t worry if you can’t
She ‘ll be gone by December
Bring me cider and crisps
And those little biscuits I love
I want to sit by the river
And drink like we used to.
Run your fingertips up my arm
Just to the top of my shoulder
Each day getting bolder
And kiss like we used to.
Let the sun burn my neck
What the heck ?
I was destined to leave either way.
Let us lie side by side
In the meadow deep and wild
Look me in the eyes and pretend we have forever
Just like we used to.
Please, like we used to.
I am aeons old
Memories fall over me that are sourced beyond this lifetime.
I have seen the shadow and shade of a million sunrises and of a billion dawns.
I walked with mammoths and swam in the first trickle of what you now pour down your throat.
When I close my eyes I have leagues and legions to keep my tired mind awake.
I am older than you can ever begin to imagine.
But only because I remember.
I remember it all.
The clang. The pressure. The bang.
I was here but so were you.
You changed. I changed.
Form and format.
Sulphuric air to liquid lair then beautiful solid shapes.
Soon I will be plasma but I won’t forget your eyes.
The anchor to my every life.
In each tick of a meaningless second
In an infinity of moments
I am yours.
All shapes. All matters. All ways.