Bring me cider and crisps
And those little biscuits I love
I want to sit by the river
And drink like we used to.
Run your fingertips up my arm
Just to the top of my shoulder
Each day getting bolder
And kiss like we used to.
Let the sun burn my neck
What the heck ?
I was destined to leave either way.
Let us lie side by side
In the meadow deep and wild
Look me in the eyes and pretend we have forever
Just like we used to.
Please, like we used to.
I am aeons old
Memories fall over me that are sourced beyond this lifetime.
I have seen the shadow and shade of a million sunrises and of a billion dawns.
I walked with mammoths and swam in the first trickle of what you now pour down your throat.
When I close my eyes I have leagues and legions to keep my tired mind awake.
I am older than you can ever begin to imagine.
But only because I remember.
I remember it all.
The clang. The pressure. The bang.
I was here but so were you.
You changed. I changed.
Form and format.
Sulphuric air to liquid lair then beautiful solid shapes.
Soon I will be plasma but I won’t forget your eyes.
The anchor to my every life.
In each tick of a meaningless second
In an infinity of moments
I am yours.
All shapes. All matters. All ways.
I say your name but there is no reverberation.
The universe just won’t play ball
The ground shrugs its shoulders.
It knows better too.
I close my eyes and try to remember softness
But my heart is laughing
And suddenly I am laughing too
There is no you. There never was.
Just a series of blips falling somewhere on alien ears.
There are no bits or bytes
No silly fights
Just a silence made lighter by your absence
And a life lived so much better without your acid making it bitter.
I mourn the flesh of her
The weighty warmth of smooth limbs on my back
The delicate scent of hair in my mouth.
I miss the teeth of her.
The laugh she kept for me
The languid repose of her on a Sunday morning.
I miss her mind of course
But it is the flesh of her that leaves its searing emptiness in my soul.
I hug a pillow but it gives beneath my touch
And it is cold.
I wonder is she cold too ?
I close my eyes but all I see is bone. Bones.
The smooth skin going,going. Gone.
It’s all wrong. Without her.
Why do my lungs not give up ?
I think my heart has.
Half finished knitting, lying like a sad multicolored cat on the table.
A half crudely cut curtain grimacing at me from the shadows
Projects I intend to finish but never do.
I do things by halves. Perfect halves.
That’s heart and soul and pieces of flesh.
And that’s why I’m finished. Complete.
You came into this halfheartedly.
And now I am at a loose end.
I said sorry when I didn’t mean it.
I wanted to shrug off the shawl of unease
To try to please…
I said sorry for something I didn’t do
But for my reaction to you.
It was a lie.
Just like yours.
I learned from the best after all.
But I take it back.
I didn’t mean to apologise
To the person who lies and lies.
You made your bed of those
And in it you repose.
You’re at peace with a life of strife
But I pity your future wife.
I’ll just be the crazy Ex
You’ll shrug your shoulders… Perplexed.
Oh I’m the one that got away.
I ran you see ? I ran and ran.
Sorry ? No I’m fucking not.
I cannot read others’ emotions
They weigh too heavy on me
The words nestle too long in my sad soul
I cannot take in extra luggage
I cannot carry the heaviness of a thousand writers
All I can do is emit, expel to propel.
I can only hope that a lighter heart can share my burden or at least let my words wash through them.
I am much too much a sieve.
I am too easily spent with others