You have a squeak in your shoe
And it breaks my heart
I think maybe your feet are wet
And I imagine your cringe at every step.
The sound is deafening
And I wonder how your day must be going?
It can only get better
Oh how lovely it is to find my thoughts in order
Neat. Tidy. A fence around their border.
Not scattered. Not shattered.
They used to be so tattered.
Blowing around me like a tornado.
Me, a rag-doll in the centre
Bruised and tender.
Who was I back then?
I couldn’t tell you.
Each piece of my brain was spinning in different directions.
I couldn’t focus on any section.
I was capable of everything. Of nothing.
I felt… I felt… small.
I felt it all.
Too much. Much too much.
Oh how nice it is to be so contained.
Knowing exactly how I feel.
Keeping it ‘real’.
I am at last restoring.
Then why do I feel so boring?
I followed the wind today
If it can make haste
Then so must I.
I rode its unpredictable back
An elemental goddess in my prime.
I moved with the leaves
Swept willingly along the path.
They danced jigs around my feet, my head
I was crowned their Queen.
Me? A Queen!
I felt all the power of the gusts inside me.
A whirling dervish, hovering above ground
Nothing but the sound of leaf adulation
Oh what a sound!
Yesterday I trudged through mud
Pulled my collar up against the draught
Sighed as the leaves stuck to my shoes.
Heard nothing but howling.
But today at last I will not freeze
I will harness the power of that wonderful breeze.
She finished the very last piece of her cake
Not a morsel left on the plate.
“She’d lick it clean,” You said.
“If she could”.
You said this like it was a bad thing.
I wonder does she live her life this way ?
To the the last crumb ?
You could make stuffing from all the half arsed things I’ve done.
Lick it clean. Finish the cake.
Life is short for goodness sake.
And I forgot you
Or rather, my skin did
And that was what my mind needed too
To not need you.
There were no longer welts of desire on my breasts
It's all for the best
Who knows ?
Me. I do. I knew.
I do feel lighter..brighter
And I wonder how I could have ever let myself become so weak?
Those languid, legs of yours
Draped over mine. Drinking wine.
As if you really wanted to own me
Phoney. Fake. Take. Take. Break.
I thought I was in control.
but I lost my soul
All the things that gave me joy
Abandoned for a boy. A toy. A thief.
Because you stole from me. You did.
Every last quid. Every piece of gold that made me bold.
Then you handed out crumbs to a starving heart.
Knowing I would play the part.
Trying to wrangle
Food from your palms.
Morsels of loving goodness that I would lap up like a cat.
But there was no love. Just game.
I was another name.
Another crazy girl.
Because that's what you'll tell the next one
As I beg for you to keep me in your life.
You'll roll you eyes at her about how lame I am.
And she'll laugh a little.Nervously like I did.
Ponder. But only for a minute
Because you won't let her think. Not for a second.
You will smother her with your weighty arms
All those little love charms.
And by the time the truth hits her ears
There will be too many tears.
Anyway it all comes out in the end.
And that's when you run.
No more fun.
Not when we all see you for what you do..
Oh but the return to peace from pieces
Is worth the hiss.
The calm bliss of a mind not tormented by a million questions
To which you shrugged.
The worst part is that I thought I had no limits.
No quits. That I was the definition of a masochist.
I couldn't be a heroine ?
But suddenly it stopped.
You dropped like a bag of stones. Bones.
Off my radar you went. When you had spent
And I guess I'm glad.
Because I don't feel sad.
I feel nothing. Nothing.
I was after all. Nothing.
“This too shall pass”
That’s what they say.
But they haven’t felt one of my minutes
Lived in my skin.
What time is it ? Nearly there ?
My life is crawling, sprawling.
Every half breath takes longer than your sighs.
I can’t see the light.
Not when my immersion is absolute.
Sublime darkness some might say…
Squid ink in my pores.
I’m suffocating but not because of silence.
Every word you ever uttered is pinned to my every inch.
Pinch. Pinch. Pinch.
I’m edging my way forwards but it hurts like hell.
I’ll never do this again.
I poured the last shred of myself into getting you back
Dredged the pit and found the last scrap of pride
Withered but worthy of words
Silence. Silence. Silence.
Now I feel absurd.
And I have to question this need for your presence.
This scramble to make you see.
Because when I have you it is not joy in my heart
I am always waiting for you to cast your shadow on my face
For you to spit me out without swallowing.
A connoisseur of vintage whines.
Love me. Love me. Love me.
Ughhh I hate myself more than you could.
Better maybe to stay shut up.
Shut me out.
I think I would.
Better to hide under a stone
Can a human hibernate ?
I would if I could.
But endless life just gets in the way of what I need.
For sleep. For sleep. For nothing.
Can’t a person just be for fuck’s sake ?
Without the wake ?
Not forever just a while.
Until I can smile…
Or pretend to.
The sharp, piercing blade of your mouth
Shredded me to confetti
I was airborne. Torn.
Was it better to be scattered though?
Perhaps the pieces of me held together by comfortable glue
Were now going places.
Each tiny, fluttering scrap had eyes to see.
More vision than the old me.
And when this ache of being hacked up fades
All the tiny fragments will return to the fold
And I will be wiser, braver and bold.
It’s not tidy this depression thing
You can’t wrap me up in cellophane
Mask the pain.
I won’t react or act the way I should
Do the things a proper depressed person could
Slit my wrists or cut my arms
My depression lacks those usual harms.
But I will definitely push you away.
Get angry when you judge my ways.
Because depression isn’t what the leaflet says.
It comes in all sorts of wrapping
A hard crash of the skull or an incessant nagging.
I’m sorry if I can’t be the one you save
By encouraging me to remain brave
By telling me to try to get out of bed
Any advice on how to leave my head?
So let’s call this a true confession
From me to you about my depression
It’s not neat certainly not light
So don’t get annoyed if I don’t get it right.
It wasn’t just the salt on my skin
The golden shimmer on the rippling shore
It wasn’t my immersion into cool sloshing waves
Nor the sweet grip of the tide on my back.
I lay, bobbing on the ever changing surface
And felt the swell take over me.
It wasn’t just the swimming
It was the giving of myself to a power greater than my limbs could fathom
The surrender to a pull that knows no end
Ruled by moon perhaps but I prefer the tilting theory
A basin tipped by a whirling sphere
A sphere tipped by an unknow hand.
So I dove under.
Forgot the orange peel that had beached me for years
The uneven tone of a too many wobbling folds.
I swam. I swam. I swam.
I was mermaid for a day until the dusky touch of a falling sun
Beckoned me back to shore.
Only smart if you are….I’m not.
I proved that.
I descended into the proverbial rabbit hole
I just couldn’t stop myself. The heat it generated in my skull should keep the battery going for years.
Hours of searching for something I was never even sure existed
By trying to prove to myself I wasn’t crazy … I became just that.
Lock me out. Of it. Of life. Of me.