I heard it in the ears, for years and years
But it always ended at the drum.
Just a word that vibrated through the air and happened upon me.
But only when you were gone for good
Did it travel to my blood.
Dead. Death. Die.
Oh how I used to cry.
At movies but no tears have flown for you.
Inside me is as still as your corpse
No movement except those words.
To Drum. To Blood. To Numb.
“I think God is the first person who died”
That’s what my seven year old said as he we played together.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
I had never considered that.
Also I had never considered the very first person who died.
Where was their heaven if one believes in such things ?
Who greeted them in that tunnel of light ?
No prophet yet born. No lamb of God shorn.
Was it the Devil ?
That doesn’t seem fair.
Sent to his lair.
Or hers. For just being first.
Man or woman ? Was it Adam or Eve?
Whatever you believe. Somebody was the first to go.
The first to leave.
Before all the fuss of what to follow
Makes it all seem hollow.
Dare I say silly ?
Dare I ?
I’ll find my way gently through this life
I’ve learned not to erode the rocks I face
That can be another river’s war.
I will meander and find the easier way
Where are my balls you say ?
They’re floating. They’re floating.
I cannot be the sea.
It’s just not me.
I cannot command the force of a thousand leagues
When I am sourced from a puddle.
It’s not a bad thing.
I feed the birds not the herds.
The smaller folk can paddle their feet
While others bomb their way into deeper days
I will burble and gurgle and make the day sound better.
So take a sip. A little dip.
But If you require complete annihilation
I’m not the one for your libation.
Decadent mortals living as if there was no tomorrow
There won’t be. Not like today.
Throw it away. Throw it away.
Each discarded wrapper is another nail in your plastic sarcophagus.
You think this sphere is just rock ?
It breathes you know.
Its lungs are just as tired as yours will be
Think of all the living things as cells
Then perhaps you won’t create your hell.
Is it worth it for a shiny thing
That no birds sing ?
You and only you must look at your hands
And see the weapons that you each bear
Their ability to tear.
Throw it away ? Another day ?
Do you have one ?
I am aeons old
Memories fall over me that are sourced beyond this lifetime.
I have seen the shadow and shade of a million sunrises and of a billion dawns.
I walked with mammoths and swam in the first trickle of what you now pour down your throat.
When I close my eyes I have leagues and legions to keep my tired mind awake.
I am older than you can ever begin to imagine.
But only because I remember.
I remember it all.
The clang. The pressure. The bang.
I was here but so were you.
You changed. I changed.
Form and format.
Sulphuric air to liquid lair then beautiful solid shapes.
Soon I will be plasma but I won’t forget your eyes.
The anchor to my every life.
In each tick of a meaningless second
In an infinity of moments
I am yours.
All shapes. All matters. All ways.
Half finished knitting, lying like a sad multicolored cat on the table.
A half crudely cut curtain grimacing at me from the shadows
Projects I intend to finish but never do.
I do things by halves. Perfect halves.
That’s heart and soul and pieces of flesh.
And that’s why I’m finished. Complete.
You came into this halfheartedly.
And now I am at a loose end.
I carried marbles when I was with you
I held tiny , the worlds that I should have lived
But when I let go and they scattered
I wasn’t empty. I wasn’t shattered.
I watched each roll about its shiny way
And I knew I would be ok
I hadn’t lost my marbles
I had set them free
Tiny worlds away from thee
Little spheres of perfect glass
To show me the insignificance of what did pass
There was never an us
Just you. Just me.
I didn’t lose my marbles
I set them free.
I will always suffer this sight
That lends itself across time and space
I see fathoms and fault lines
Swirling moonrock in a universe far from ours
I don’t think in minutes. Hours. Centuries.
They mean nothing to me.
I see circles and curls
Whisps of words spoken light years ago
The first laugh into the sky.
The first tear that set the earth alight.
So if I don’t see you tomorrow
Or the next
Don’t look for me with eyes. Don’t search to touch with your fingertips
To kiss me with your lips.
I am something you cannot lose or find
Flowing through you and past you and back again.
Love is not a word that I just uttered.
It is my print on the matrix that binds us .
I do not fall.
I hold it all.
There are those who are not aware
Who gobble up air
Like it was all theirs for the taking
Who take whomping big skips that leave the ground shaking.
They get all up in our space
Right up in your face.
Fuck you. I live here too.
Close your mouth when you chew.
Don’t pick that zit on the bus.
Sweet fucking Jesus !
Stop a minute and see
It’s not just you.
And him. And her.
Not just a blur.
You think therefore you are ?
Or have you not thought that far ?
Well now is the time to open your eyes
See the world not the lies.
This life isn’t a selfie or a pic
So quit being a dick.
Lord grant me nothing as I did not believe
I only came to you when the rains came.
Lord fill me with nothing
Because that’s exactly what I did for you.
Am I so brazen to think that just because I ask you will listen ?
Give and I shall receive?
But I didn’t and don’t.
I wore this life out with not a thought for later
Not exactly a hater
But no great lover either.
The people I cared for , I did so with ease
Certainly not to please.
The good deeds I did were for my own pleasure
Memories I treasure
I did nothing too taxing or grand
Nothing that will change this land
This earth will take me back unchanged by my mark
Not brighter just stark.
So as I call out your name in writhing pain
And ask for release.
Don’t listen. Don’t give me peace.
I’m not a believer, I didn’t pray
It shouldn’t be different on my last day.
There is a crack that knows, no repair.
The final blow before you split.
The one that determines whether you can ever look at each other the same way again
How deep is the ridge left in you?
How fractured is your spirit ?
How can you be the same when altered to your foundations?
Careful my dear.
Your silence is hammer
And it wears me down to nothingness.
Every night we learn to die,
to forget the mass of flesh and bone
and travel beyond the realms of our perceived lives.
Every closing of the eyes,we leave and live a million lives.
A jumble of different things
Some formed of unfinished thoughts
Others with nothing we have seen before.
Every night we learn the abandonment of a cage we call home,
Yet we fear the day when there is no return.
So I learn to think of death as I would a house move.
Not as close to those I once lived near but still in their sphere.
Not all alone
But in a new home.