I wanted to be neat and tidy.
No aches or pains.
Steady as she goes.
I needed to be light and fluffy
A breath of fresh air to replenish your soul.
And I was. For a while.
But like a burning photograph
The edges of me began to singe and smoulder
And slowly but surely I crumpled inwards
My gaping smile, fading… fading until
I was no more than smoke
That made you splutter and choke.
I can never be colour.
I will never shine bright
My soul is too close to the surface
Too close to the night.
Let’s go out you said
And we were both afraid
You flinched a little.
Outside was the world
Large and absurd
We had our den
Pizza on the bed, coffee on the floor
A little less, a whole lot more
Twisted in bed sheets and things unsaid
Warm with potential.
Outside there were eyes. Wide and surprised.
My oh my and oh how you lied.
So maybe let’s stay in a while longer
The world can wait until we’re a little bit stronger.
I told you I loved you
While you were still inside me
And I think I felt you shrivel.
Stabbing me with a blunted knife
Oh God the pain.
Why ? Why? Why ?
This compulsion to seek revulsion ?
What do you mean love ?
That’s what you said.
Would the right definition make you say it back ?
It’s too late now. I won’t say it again.
I rolled away from you and left the room. Your house. Your life.
But those pitying eyes … ?
They are all I remember
I bit off your flaky scalp
And was mesmerized by the smooth mound of your skull
Underneath all that talk
There was silence.
Should I delve further ?
Lick my way through to your little brain
Would a tumor explain your humor?
I’m looking for something.
A needle in a winding grey matter of mess
An explanation of your stress
I want to bury deep into valve and vein
Just to explain
Just to understand
Some hidden part of you
But all I find are clock parts
Winding, grinding cogs
I suppose at the end of the day
We’re all made that way.
I expected more. More than a void.
But you are just android.
You make me interesting.
I remember things I never used to.
Little slivers of pointless information
That you lap up.
All my quirks can be displayed
Until the right moment
And I’m all new to you again.
There’s so much of me I want to give
And for once I feel like a well
Spluttering forth crystal drops
Of something that restores you.
Makes you whole.
I am only like this with you
You show up the invisible ink in me
The words that others don’t see
You use your fingertips… your tongue
Your lovely mouth whips me into a frenzy
I’m soaring above new clouds
That are fluffier than the last
Is it too fast?
I don’t care.
Because with you, I do.
Maybe I’m dead already
I feel you walking on my grave
I shout and scream but no one hears
No one cares.
I’m a corpse among the living
But not the pretty sugar skull, kind.
I’m ignored. Muted. Paused.
Can anyone hear me ? Anyone ?
When did it happen ?
When was my last laugh ? My last guttural outburst?
It’s all dampened down now.
Hush. Hush. Hush.
No matter how hard I dance for you all
I feel you have written me off
Bit by bit by obituary.
Listen to your guts
Those wrenching, clenching, squelching knots they make.
They’re telling you something,
You may not want to hear.
I doubted their bubbling ways.
Told myself that all was well
That memories are just playing with bile
But all the while
They knew your untruths.
You lied to my face and it believed you
But my entrails are less naive.
So next time I hear that rumble
I won’t mistake it for thunder
But I will know a storm is coming.