The Rush

Who am I in this sad story ?

The pathetic character that swallows lies like they were made of gin ?

The third wheel in that overused triangle, where everyone is rooting for the other girl ?

Am I heroine or meth ?

Which has the happy ending?

But I must be a fool. I must.

Only a fool would keep going back to barbed wire

Keep touching fire

Yearning for a burning, a bite.

Maybe it’s venom that sustains me

Even though it pains me.

I like your hands around my neck

In between ecstasy and smack.

Keeps me on track. Or off.

Grass is better than tarmac.

I’ll keep running in circles either way.

The air around me pungent with your words.

All absurd

And sweet but not in equal measure

The good old pain/pleasure

The undulating pulse of your tongue.

Wringing.Wringing. Wrung.

Maybe I’m just vapour, a smoke

The joke.

A joint in your story.

A silly pause, where you rested your mouth

Before moving south.

I try to do my steps. To get you out of my system.

But when there is nothing but hush

All I remember is the rush.

(C)Slumpless

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Away

I wanted to get far away from you child

From your red eyes, your running nose

I wanted to run too.

But away, away, away.

Away from your tears and your brother’s too.

Away from him. Away from you.

I can’t bear it you see?

All that grief. All that pain

I can’t hold it in, can’t explain.

And I feel myself blowing up like those fish.

And it’s not my place to cry.

My father didn’t die.

It’s not mine to take away from you.

Not my sad story this time.

So I must leave.

Not because I don’t want to hold you.

Not because my heart doesn’t ache for your sad eyes

But because my body can’t behave like others and stay calm

Because your grief is mine too

Your loss mine to see and feel

Because he held your hands everyday

As I do my son on the way to school

And because we walked past you every day and waved.

He formed a familiar background to the daily grind.

His eyes were warm, his smile was kind.

So now you know why I must run.

Not for me

I run for you. For your brother. Your mother.

I run away, away, away.

I run from the desolate grief you hold.

I run because you can’t.

I run or else I’ll fold.

(C) Slumpless

Puppy

I have only a puppy heart

Over-eager

Needs a leash.

It jumped on you as soon as it could

And you pet it for a while

Appreciated its effervescent nature

But that was just for Christmas

And now this heart is in the pound.

Pounding. Pounding. Pounding.

Waiting to come home again.

Waiting for you to play ball.

But time has run out

And I have been put down.

(C) Slumpless

Too close to the night

I wanted to be neat and tidy.

No aches or pains.

Steady as she goes.

I needed to be light and fluffy

A breath of fresh air to replenish your soul.

And I was. For a while.

But like a burning photograph

The edges of me began to singe and smoulder

And slowly but surely I crumpled inwards

My gaping smile, fading… fading until

Puff!

I was no more than smoke

That made you splutter and choke.

I can never be colour.

I will never shine bright

My soul is too close to the surface

Too close to the night.

(C) Slumpless

Let’s take it outside

Let’s go out you said

And we were both afraid

You flinched a little.

Outside was the world

Large and absurd

We had our den

Pizza on the bed, coffee on the floor

A little less, a whole lot more

Twisted in bed sheets and things unsaid

Warm with potential.

Outside there were eyes. Wide and surprised.

My oh my and oh how you lied.

So maybe let’s stay in a while longer

The world can wait until we’re a little bit stronger.

(C) Slumpless

SHRivel

I told you I loved you

While you were still inside me

And I think I felt you shrivel.

Stabbing me with a blunted knife

Oh God the pain.

Why ? Why? Why ?

This compulsion to seek revulsion ?

What do you mean love ?

That’s what you said.

Would the right definition make you say it back ?

It’s too late now. I won’t say it again.

I rolled away from you and left the room. Your house. Your life.

But those pitying eyes … ?

They are all I remember

Of us.

(C) Slumpless

Reboot

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I bit off your flaky scalp

And was mesmerized by the smooth mound of your skull

Underneath all that talk

There was silence.

Should I delve further ?

Lick my way through to your little brain

Would a tumor explain your humor?

I’m looking for something.

A needle in a winding grey matter of mess

An explanation of your stress

I want to bury deep into valve and vein

Just to explain

Just to understand

Some hidden part of you

But all I find are clock parts

Winding, grinding cogs

I suppose at the end of the day

We’re all made that way.

I expected more. More than a void.

But you are just android.

(c) Slumpless