I wanted to be neat and tidy.
No aches or pains.
Steady as she goes.
I needed to be light and fluffy
A breath of fresh air to replenish your soul.
And I was. For a while.
But like a burning photograph
The edges of me began to singe and smoulder
And slowly but surely I crumpled inwards
My gaping smile, fading… fading until
I was no more than smoke
That made you splutter and choke.
I can never be colour.
I will never shine bright
My soul is too close to the surface
Too close to the night.
You make me interesting.
I remember things I never used to.
Little slivers of pointless information
That you lap up.
All my quirks can be displayed
Until the right moment
And I’m all new to you again.
There’s so much of me I want to give
And for once I feel like a well
Spluttering forth crystal drops
Of something that restores you.
Makes you whole.
I am only like this with you
You show up the invisible ink in me
The words that others don’t see
You use your fingertips… your tongue
Your lovely mouth whips me into a frenzy
I’m soaring above new clouds
That are fluffier than the last
Is it too fast?
I don’t care.
Because with you, I do.
Listen to your guts
Those wrenching, clenching, squelching knots they make.
They’re telling you something,
You may not want to hear.
I doubted their bubbling ways.
Told myself that all was well
That memories are just playing with bile
But all the while
They knew your untruths.
You lied to my face and it believed you
But my entrails are less naive.
So next time I hear that rumble
I won’t mistake it for thunder
But I will know a storm is coming.
You took down the fairylights
And I didn’t know what to say.
How could I explain to you the need for those little buds of soft glowing light ?
And I don’t say ‘need’ lightly.
You know this time of year is hard for me
You know the opaque clouds that fill the sky ?
Well they fill me too.
Those lights were my solace
A twinkle in the drab grey that permeates every cavity of this godforsaken soul.
But you bundled them up tightly and put them away
They made the place look messy
But I’m the one who is here all day
Don’t I have a say ?
Don’t take away my light
Don’t leave me in the dark
There is a cold wind howling
And a shadow at the door.
You’re very aware of your “too muchness” He said.
“Much too much” I replied
I’m much too emotional
Much too intense
Much too mad
Much too sad
It’s all too much you know ?
But for who ? For me ? For you?
What about too less ? Isn’t that worse ?
Much more of a curse?
I suppose he’s right.
I suppose more is better
Then why do I feel less ?
Thanks you guys
You have taught me well
This messing me around shit
Has given me Hell.
Will he reply ? Will he text?
What’s happening now ?
What happens next?
Thanks y’all for making me feel crazy
The last few years are somewhat hazy
Constant confusion , up and down moods
Wondering how anyone could be so rude?
But still I thank you
Because now you see
I too can be a player
Not just a playee.
This karma thing it really works
So lashings of gratitude to all you jerks.
All I want to do is sleep
Because being without you is being stuck to the hands of a clock
I feel every second jolt my core
Time isn’t like before.
It used to fly. Remember?
Just yesterday I floated on weightless sand
Upside down in an hourglass
Then right back up again.
Now it’s just circles.
And they never fucking end.