There’s a long luscious list of reasons we should
But a jagged emporium of poisonous consequences
Jars upon jars upon shelves upon walls
Filled with outcomes. Black outcomes.
They swirl around like mini-galaxies
Holding us both hostage to our decisions.
It’s not just one you see?
All the things that led us here
A million ways we can go wrong
Let’s sit here for a while. On the safe floor.
In the room without a door.
Where the only way out
The biggest lesson you taught me
Is that it is possible to breathe.
It is possible to walk about and eat and sleep and touch and laugh and squeeze out tears.
It is possible to play the part
But have no heart.
You taught me about a new breed
Who walk among us folk
You think we’re the joke ?
I suppose we are.
We are cursed by the need to understand people like you
The other kind who
Hurt and harm, with a well crafted charm.
But more than hurt you have taught me pity
Because you didn’t just fall to earth.
You are man-made, my dear
This persona borne of fear.
The love that is allowed thrive for most of us
Must have been beaten out.
So I forgive you though you don’t actually care
The truth is I forgive myself.
Forgive myself for being ever pissed
With yet another narcissist.
I asked myself for the hundredth time
What will I do ? What will I do ?
Should I ? Could I ? May I ?
I looked to you for a pat on the head
Each nod another nail in my scaffolding.
Each an apparent strengthening of a weak structure underneath.
I was under the illusion that you kept me up.
But meanwhile a quiet hand was busy inside
Putting cement in the cracks
Strengthening the original.
A soft whisper reminding me that once I stood alone.
No outside work necessary to hold my bones.
Little by little I dismantled your hold
The nails weren’t even fully in.
The wood you used was weak
The metal bars prone to leaks.
So when you fell, I didn’t fall
I had no need for an outer wall
The stone and rock that made me… me
Had been enough but I didn’t see
I looked to others for so much approval
Yet was strong enough after their removal
The walls I had were strong not frail
Without the input of your nails.
I won’t go where you want me to. Won’t lie where you think I will.
I am always on the sill.
I will stand on your shoulders and when you can no longer bear it
I will take hold of a branch and climb like an ape.
Up, up, up, I will go.
You’re too slow
You can’t hold on,you see?
I am earth and sky.
I walk. I fly.
Unable to be pinned.
Tuna not tinned.
To swim in the sea.
Animal. Cannibal. Bird.
I move with the herd.
You lag behind my friend.
I’m not saying it’s the end.
It’s definitely not the beginning.
Somewhere in the middle.
Somewhere wild and open
Don’t ruin it with ‘hopin’.
(c)Slumpless(originally posted 30.03.17)
Be careful with me
I have a heart that knows no limits
A soul that will search for embers in every cavity of you
Long after the fire dies out.
Because it has already begun
That gentle drum
Louder and faster
Until it hums and I float mid-air
Waiting for your nectar.
Don’t play with light
If you can’t take the glare.
Careful lover. Careful.
I have a bellyful of you but I still want more.
When in the middle of palpable desire
It is hard to imagine how anyone’s fire
can be set alight by anything other than want and wanting.
I quit that need.
I wish to move to less flaming coals
The ones that keep me warm but do not singe my lashes.
I have surfed the wave of molton rock and burnt my feet
I reached pinnacles that left my hair full of stars
As my breath became part of Saturn’s rings.
All these things… fuelled me and kept me shining
The love , the loss, the pining
And so on and so on.
But now my roots prefer the earth to be steady
And although I still sway with the wind , I am not taken with it.
I am no longer taken, no longer shaken.
A match is no good for a tree
You were no good for me.
Rest not on your laurels
Always be ready to run or retreat
The hand that fed you and cupped your breast
Can tighten its fingers around your neck.
Your nest may have feathers now
But remember the twigs
Sooner or later they can snap
And so will you and all you built.
So rest easy for now. You’re allowed pause
But always be ready with your get out claws
I’ll find my way gently through this life
I’ve learned not to erode the rocks I face
That can be another river’s war.
I will meander and find the easier way
Where are my balls you say ?
They’re floating. They’re floating.
I cannot be the sea.
It’s just not me.
I cannot command the force of a thousand leagues
When I am sourced from a puddle.
It’s not a bad thing.
I feed the birds not the herds.
The smaller folk can paddle their feet
While others bomb their way into deeper days
I will burble and gurgle and make the day sound better.
So take a sip. A little dip.
But If you require complete annihilation
I’m not the one for your libation.
There is a pulsing in the hearth again
That breathes life into the most mundane of things
A child wrapped in a towel
A cat splayed out in the sun
The thud of it all
The pinch of spice into my cauldron
Is all alive with the promise
That day after day after day
It might end the same way
And that my longing for things wild and free
Is right here with me.
Don’t project your squalid being onto me
Your no good agenda has not its carbon copy in my book.
There are those of us with no ungodly pursuit
Just a need to breathe.
Try it my dear. Have no fear.
There are only a few with bladed hands
The rest ? We just do our best.
Do not show your fangs because you were bitten once
Do not transfer the disease that is distrust
We will all be dust
So do not push me to the bottom of pool
Don’t lose your cool
Rise above without corpses in your wake
For goodness sake.
And when you fly it will be with wings not a flailing , borne of ill winds.
Let yourself be loved. Let yourself be loved.
We all deserve a crown
Don’t let yours be thorns
Let yourself be loved.
“I tawt I taw a puttycat”
But your mews were dampened-down growls
A warning to softened feathers
That one bite and I would be gone.
But I’m no birdie either
I’ll tweet a little but watch me soar
I have no time for snarl or roar.
I sing to the moon while you choose to howl
All is fair betwixt cat and fowl.
And the heavens prefer my voice
It’s not like you don’t have a choice.
Perhaps not your stripes, but you could sing too.
Bellow your song out into the blue.
But you would rather chew
If you suck marrow
You are left with bone.
So bare your teeth if it makes you feel brave
But while I fly over mountains
You dwell in a cave.
I used to melt
I was puddle to your shining light
Now I all I see is the sun bouncing off your head
Your mysterious smile
Was just a sneer.
How strange !
How my heart deceived me.
I used to feel.
I think my brain vibrated to every beat of your heart
When I must have believed you had one.
Now it’s just static.
But what a delight. What a delicious relief
My body moves to its own beat, its own heat.
Now if I fall it’s only for a real rock. Not a stone.