“I think God is the first person who died”
That’s what my seven year old said as he we played together.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
I had never considered that.
Also I had never considered the very first person who died.
Where was their heaven if one believes in such things ?
Who greeted them in that tunnel of light ?
No prophet yet born. No lamb of God shorn.
Was it the Devil ?
That doesn’t seem fair.
Sent to his lair.
Or hers. For just being first.
Man or woman ? Was it Adam or Eve?
Whatever you believe. Somebody was the first to go.
The first to leave.
Before all the fuss of what to follow
Makes it all seem hollow.
Dare I say silly ?
Dare I ?
Send me the winds that once blew the skirts of better women
Let me stir the molten brew through a crack made easy by a circle spawned
The waves that splintered better rock than me, And than thee.
Set them free.
I command the soil and air.
You who think your bones are made of stronger stuff.
Kneel and be humble to the low grumble of a sky gone mad
This lightening should be frightening
It snuffs the bulbs out in your home
To light up the heavens
Don’t be the arrogant hero
On ground zero.
Lord grant me nothing as I did not believe
I only came to you when the rains came.
Lord fill me with nothing
Because that’s exactly what I did for you.
Am I so brazen to think that just because I ask you will listen ?
Give and I shall receive?
But I didn’t and don’t.
I wore this life out with not a thought for later
Not exactly a hater
But no great lover either.
The people I cared for , I did so with ease
Certainly not to please.
The good deeds I did were for my own pleasure
Memories I treasure
I did nothing too taxing or grand
Nothing that will change this land
This earth will take me back unchanged by my mark
Not brighter just stark.
So as I call out your name in writhing pain
And ask for release.
Don’t listen. Don’t give me peace.
I’m not a believer, I didn’t pray
It shouldn’t be different on my last day.
Every night we learn to die,
to forget the mass of flesh and bone
and travel beyond the realms of our perceived lives.
Every closing of the eyes,we leave and live a million lives.
A jumble of different things
Some formed of unfinished thoughts
Others with nothing we have seen before.
Every night we learn the abandonment of a cage we call home,
Yet we fear the day when there is no return.
So I learn to think of death as I would a house move.
Not as close to those I once lived near but still in their sphere.
Not all alone
But in a new home.
She finished the very last piece of her cake
Not a morsel left on the plate.
“She’d lick it clean,” You said.
“If she could”.
You said this like it was a bad thing.
I wonder does she live her life this way ?
To the the last crumb ?
You could make stuffing from all the half arsed things I’ve done.
Lick it clean. Finish the cake.
Life is short for goodness sake.
It occurs to me that I am blind
And so are you.
We all are.
We have been given two eyes
Into which we put all our beliefs
And yet we know that our sight is limited
We know but we forget.
I will not call them eyes from now on.
I will call them filters.
To remind me over and over
That what I see, is what I’m allowed to see
That I am blinded by this human form
That I put so much emphasis on what I deem to be true
Based solely on what comes through.
But the universe is bigger, deeper , wider and more full than
The tiny portion of my tiny brain
Will let me imagine.
My sad eye is pressed up against the wall
I heard the nightingale’s silent call
Out there everything shimmers
You in the middle of a lake that glimmers
Flora and fauna and mossy roads
Faeries and pixies and croaking toads.
Water spouting out your finger
A thousand reasons to let me linger
Staring out at your bright world
Ignoring the fact that I’m being absurd.
Is it better to have a crack
Or does it just highlight what I lack?
Cinderella said she lost her shoe by ‘accident’
But she was no fool
She knew the prince adored her.
She had felt his arousal against her leg.
Snow white flirted with all the huntsmen
It got her stepmother’s back up
When she shagged them in the stables.
Hansel and Gretel were too close for comfort
Their parents didn’t know what to do.
They sent them to the old lady in the woods
Hoping for a cure.
But their lust for one another was unquenchable.
They killed her for trying to tear them apart.
Read between the lines.
The world is full of tall tales
And we lap them up like children.
‘Oh to die a hero’
Is there anything better?’
Assuming we’ll feel pride when we are dead.
So you believe in the afterlife ?
No. No. No.
Then why bother dying a hero?
But if you believe in more
You believe in a soul
Then dying for the right thing
Must be your goal.
The terrible thing though
Is that what you deem to be true
Is completely different to my point of view
So please never ever, cause alarm
It is not your destiny to do harm
You must not interfere
It is never your role
To decide the passing of another soul.
I saw the glow as I trudged home in the dark
And imagined the beautiful voices
The high ceilings
The peace.The lulling peace.
I paused. Maybe I would join you.
Maybe I would sing to heaven
And bask in the candlelight
But then I remembered
That you don’t accept me as I am.
You say ‘all are welcome’
But you consider me sinner
More sinful than the rest.
I can’t join you.
I can’t cast my eyes to heaven
When my destination is sulphur.
And I am sorry. I really am.
There is so much that I believe in
It’s a pity you don’t believe in me.