And I thought of you
As I always do
When there is silence and void.
I suppose you filled those once.
I remember the ways you held me
Those cold nights in your embrace
Your beard in my face.
I must have read lies in your thumbs
My brain went numb.
Lies in your licking
Your gentle slapping.
It was all a dream.
No beard just stubble.
You cut me out as you would your nails
A half thought before breakfast
A tick on your to-do list.
Maybe that’s why I’m pissed.
I was left seeking more.
More than a cut.
More than a snip.
But all I was to you was a
I look for comfort in billowing spume.
Thunderous. Luminous. Vicious.
Circular motion then thundering roar
That’s where my heart can soar.
That body. That body.
That mass. Oh my.
I can barely hear the seagulls cry.
I seek comfort in it’s swishy gurgle
Its undulating moves.
Its undertow , high and low.
I can ride this beast
But can never conquer it’s swell.
I’m driftwood .
Bobbing. Bobbing. Babbling.
Rushing to shore. Rushing to shore.
Then poof….. No more.
No more me.
Only soft yellow sands
Formed from a million things that were once tough as rock.
But are now full of footprints.
I will follow you like a whimper
Soft and sad. Slobbering on your shoulder.
You hate the way my nostrils flare
The way my face puffs when I cry
I’m a useless jelly
A wobbling mass
“Silly Billy.Silly Billy.”
You say it with no hint of light
No glint of love.
You have nothing else to say.
And I have nowhere else to go.
Blow me out.
Just keep exhaling.
You know we’re failing.
Do it. Until I am no more than a distant mist.
I’ll turn to cloud and then to rain.
Either way I’ll end up in a drain.
But maybe just maybe..
I will fall in a stream.
Or end up in someone’s soaking dream.
So blow me. Blow me well.
Because your breath is purgatory but your lungs are hell.
And when I die you can reveal my name
And they’ll say: “I didn’t realise she was so sad.”
But aren’t we all?
(Some more than most)
There’s torment in the pit of me
And this tight ball of fear won’t disappear
I sit, consumed with worry
I can’t quite get a grip
These thoughts that dangle from my brain
Are covered in spiders.
Yesterday I bounced on land
Now I sink into quicksand
Is anyone else the same?
Or am I all alone in this video game?
The doctor dismissed me by being gruff
Doesn’t he know I’ve had enough?
Nothing again will fill me with cheer.
I have nothing to worry about
But everything to fear
I’m in a self-induced coma
I can’t cope with this life
So I’ll shut it out for now
Stop paying attention
Turn off the TV
Smother the radio
Try to find joy inside
Hope that my childish notion of happy endings
Can still come true.
” Stop the world I want to get off?”
Nah… just stop the noise.
You squeezed my skull in calipers
Found me lacking.
I tried to add inches to my intellect-Big words to my little life.
But my head hurts from all this trying
You hold your cigarette with disdain
I should have expected the same.
That black smoke that wakes you in the morning and lulls you to sleep
It only fills your lungs but not your heart
I guess I’m the same.
Breathed in and puffed out.
You’ll give up on me
I will clamber through the ages
Search through infinite pages
Sift through songs
Get it all wrong
Over and over and over
Again and again and again
Until the bittersweet end
For you I have no shame
Just endless,senseless pain
For a shrug and a sigh
I will try and try and try.
Will you ever try to forgive?
So that I might actually live.
You look like you just fell out of bed
Your morning breath and messy head
You’re smiling though which is good sign
So maybe today we might be fine.
Oh no. Wait. Damn.
You think I’m not looking.
Your smile is gone.
You’re just a bag of bones under that grin
And there’s nothing I can do.
Nothing I can say to make it right.
I’m sorry your world is so hard
That every day is a shard
Into your sad soul.
You don’t greet the day
You are a reluctant passenger on this sphere
Is your end near?
Every time I leave you, I say goodbye.
‘Oh you’re a wiry one’
She would say this without malice but the words hurt all the same.
Did she mean sharp? I have a sharp tongue I’m told and it slices strips off you.
Maybe she meant that I could never sit still
That there was a tremor in my blood
Electricity always running through my core
Well I tell you, I’m electric no more.
‘Is there a pulse?’ I hear this in the distance but all I see is her face and slow thud of my heart fading.
‘ A wiry one’. I smile inside.
I’ll ask her what she meant.
I bleated to the sky
I am a lamb in the wind on the hill
The clouds have darkened and there is a storm
Oh who will keep me warm?
Do you not have wool child?
Make use of it.
Soon it will be mild
And the best of you will be used to heat others.
No not your brothers.
Those that will eat you to bone.
And leave you all alone.
Today enjoy your heat
For tomorrow you will be meat.