I wanted to say I love you

I wanted to say I love you

The words stuck in my craw

Too soon. Too much. Too soon.

The bursting need to utter them

Stutter them.

Stammer. Stammer. Stammer.

The words were a hammer in my soul.

How overwhelming this fire, this desire

I couldn’t lie with you and lie to you

Pretend you are less when you are more

So much more.

How can this be ?

I l ooo…. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t.

So I stare at you in terrible silence

Daring you to say it first

Read my mind, fool!

But you just smile

And I fall deeper.

(C) Slumpless

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Care Less

I didn’t realise it but I was waiting.

Waiting for you to shed that brittle skin

To show me someone better

To prove my doubting wrong.

I tried to shrug away your strange behaviour

Those angry outbursts make me cringe.

I tried to justify your lies

Your sideways glances at other women ?

I held back my whinge.

I kept waiting.

Over and over I gave into you.

Then suddenly oh suddenly I became aware

Of that wonderful feeling of “I don’t care”

PS: The funny thing of being able to post this

Is I know you never check my blog

Because on top of being a moron

You are also a self-centered hog 🐗

(C) Slumpless

Rope Hope

Today I learned what it felt like to be alone.

More alone than someone with no one.

The solitude that stops your heart because every person in your life is not really there at all.

Is this a dream I wonder ?

Did I imagine bridges made of stone when in reality there were was only frayed rope?

No hope.

Hopeless.

13 reasons why ? I give you a million.

Made of shrugs, insincere hugs

Righteousness and pontification

SMUG. SMUG. SMUG.

And yet I suppose it’s better to wake up and see that I’m on the edge of a cliff.

And that I have been for a long time.

What’s keeping me here when the love I thought you all wanted has met nothing but ice.

Not nice. Not nice.

Oh well my dears.

I suppose you will tell yourselves you did your best.

Don’t blame yourself. She wasn’t right in the head.

She’s better off….

Don’t worry I won’t do anything “silly” though

Still it’s good to know

That when I needed my blood

You were all no fucking good.

(C) Slumpless

The Rush

Who am I in this sad story ?

The pathetic character that swallows lies like they were made of gin ?

The third wheel in that overused triangle, where everyone is rooting for the other girl ?

Am I heroine or meth ?

Which has the happy ending?

But I must be a fool. I must.

Only a fool would keep going back to barbed wire

Keep touching fire

Yearning for a burning, a bite.

Maybe it’s venom that sustains me

Even though it pains me.

I like your hands around my neck

In between ecstasy and smack.

Keeps me on track. Or off.

Grass is better than tarmac.

I’ll keep running in circles either way.

The air around me pungent with your words.

All absurd

And sweet but not in equal measure

The good old pain/pleasure

The undulating pulse of your tongue.

Wringing.Wringing. Wrung.

Maybe I’m just vapour, a smoke

The joke.

A joint in your story.

A silly pause, where you rested your mouth

Before moving south.

I try to do my steps. To get you out of my system.

But when there is nothing but hush

All I remember is the rush.

(C)Slumpless

Reboot

robot-3010309_1920

I bit off your flaky scalp

And was mesmerized by the smooth mound of your skull

Underneath all that talk

There was silence.

Should I delve further ?

Lick my way through to your little brain

Would a tumor explain your humor?

I’m looking for something.

A needle in a winding grey matter of mess

An explanation of your stress

I want to bury deep into valve and vein

Just to explain

Just to understand

Some hidden part of you

But all I find are clock parts

Winding, grinding cogs

I suppose at the end of the day

We’re all made that way.

I expected more. More than a void.

But you are just android.

(c) Slumpless

Clean Lines

When did I stop filling blank walls?

I used to stick up postcards to clutter up the gaps.

Old scraps

From magazines and places I longed to go.

Make the place interesting. Make me interesting.

Blue tack clinging to the backs of pretty flowers, mounds of spices

Trying so hard to hold it together

Color the beige out.

When did I stop liking Klimpt posters ?

” So studenty” that’s what I say now.

There was a time when that kiss was everything I wanted to be.

When Dali’s long legged creatures and melting clocks made me feel something more than a clean wall ever could.

A time when incense welcomed you at my door and we ate on the floor.

Now it’s clean lines and neat coffee tables.

Cream leather couches and women who click when they walk.

I used to go barefoot.

Drink wine while I cooked. Fall asleep on the sofa.

Clean lines. No clutter. I should feel free.

But beige just isn’t me.

(C) Slumpless

Segmented

Stop. Stop it now.

Please.

I’m peeling already.

Swirling bits of me unraveling onto the floor

If you don’t desist

My segments will spread

Soon I will be untethered

A pulpy mess.

No waxy exterior to make me shine.

All you will see are the pips.

Don’t peel me if you can’t handle the bitter and the sweet.

Have a banana instead.

(C)Slumpless