I bit off your flaky scalp
And was mesmerized by the smooth mound of your skull
Underneath all that talk
There was silence.
Should I delve further ?
Lick my way through to your little brain
Would a tumor explain your humor?
I’m looking for something.
A needle in a winding grey matter of mess
An explanation of your stress
I want to bury deep into valve and vein
Just to explain
Just to understand
Some hidden part of you
But all I find are clock parts
Winding, grinding cogs
I suppose at the end of the day
We’re all made that way.
I expected more. More than a void.
But you are just android.
When did I stop filling blank walls?
I used to stick up postcards to clutter up the gaps.
From magazines and places I longed to go.
Make the place interesting. Make me interesting.
Blue tack clinging to the backs of pretty flowers, mounds of spices
Trying so hard to hold it together
Color the beige out.
When did I stop liking Klimpt posters ?
” So studenty” that’s what I say now.
There was a time when that kiss was everything I wanted to be.
When Dali’s long legged creatures and melting clocks made me feel something more than a clean wall ever could.
A time when incense welcomed you at my door and we ate on the floor.
Now it’s clean lines and neat coffee tables.
Cream leather couches and women who click when they walk.
I used to go barefoot.
Drink wine while I cooked. Fall asleep on the sofa.
Clean lines. No clutter. I should feel free.
But beige just isn’t me.
I wanted to say I love you
The words stuck in my craw
Too soon. Too much. Too soon.
The bursting need to utter them
Stammer. Stammer. Stammer.
The words were a hammer in my soul.
How overwhelming this fire, this desire
I couldn’t lie with you and lie to you
Pretend you are less when you are more
So much more.
How can this be ?
I l ooo…. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t.
So I stare at you in terrible silence
Daring you to say it first
Read my mind, fool!
But you just smile
And I fall deeper.
Stop. Stop it now.
I’m peeling already.
Swirling bits of me unraveling onto the floor
If you don’t desist
My segments will spread
Soon I will be untethered
A pulpy mess.
No waxy exterior to make me shine.
All you will see are the pips.
Don’t peel me if you can’t handle the bitter and the sweet.
Have a banana instead.
Oh how lovely. How liberating.
I change my mind. I can stop.
This love thing has a pause.
My heart has become elastic.
I can stretch it over your face then
Just like you have.
I don’t have to sink deeper
I can grab a branch. Pull myself out.
Whoosh. Suck. Whoosh.
Out I come from whatever this was.
Not covered in goo but grain.
Quicksand after-all. No slime.
Oh my how I’ve changed .
My mind. My life. My way of loving.
It’s better this way.
Better for me.
But the funny thing is when I walk away.
You always follow.
I dream of waves
Inconsolable water that knows no forgiveness
It’s coming you see.
The big one.
Do you dream of it too ?
It will toss and turn us
Hurl us away.
You and your big house
Me in my flat.
All of this. All of that.
The roar. The gurgle.
Don’t press her buttons
Then tell her she’s crazy.
Don’t let her do everything
Then make her feel lazy.
Don’t make her cry
Then call her a moan
Don’t not listen
Then wonder why she groans.
Don’t shut her out
Then ask her why she pouts.
Don’t be a dick
And watch that mean mouth.
Don’t call her a bitch
When she won’t have sex
Don’t not call her
And wonder why she’s vexed.
So many don’t s
So much to remember
But don’t worry if you can’t
She ‘ll be gone by December