I wanted to be neat and tidy.
No aches or pains.
Steady as she goes.
I needed to be light and fluffy
A breath of fresh air to replenish your soul.
And I was. For a while.
But like a burning photograph
The edges of me began to singe and smoulder
And slowly but surely I crumpled inwards
My gaping smile, fading… fading until
I was no more than smoke
That made you splutter and choke.
I can never be colour.
I will never shine bright
My soul is too close to the surface
Too close to the night.
Was it worth it ?
Heightening your nights
Adding shimmer and shine ?
Were they divine ?
Do you look back now in nostalgic haze
Do you long for those days
That ran into those nights
Like carriages in a crash
I was a good girl
No tabs for me
No artificial highs
And sometimes now I wonder
Why the fuck not?
Do I feel any more righteous
Did I escape the rot ?
Are my memories any sharper
My life more on track ?
I feel grey today
But I suppose it could be black.
I bit off your flaky scalp
And was mesmerized by the smooth mound of your skull
Underneath all that talk
There was silence.
Should I delve further ?
Lick my way through to your little brain
Would a tumor explain your humor?
I’m looking for something.
A needle in a winding grey matter of mess
An explanation of your stress
I want to bury deep into valve and vein
Just to explain
Just to understand
Some hidden part of you
But all I find are clock parts
Winding, grinding cogs
I suppose at the end of the day
We’re all made that way.
I expected more. More than a void.
But you are just android.
When did I stop filling blank walls?
I used to stick up postcards to clutter up the gaps.
From magazines and places I longed to go.
Make the place interesting. Make me interesting.
Blue tack clinging to the backs of pretty flowers, mounds of spices
Trying so hard to hold it together
Color the beige out.
When did I stop liking Klimpt posters ?
” So studenty” that’s what I say now.
There was a time when that kiss was everything I wanted to be.
When Dali’s long legged creatures and melting clocks made me feel something more than a clean wall ever could.
A time when incense welcomed you at my door and we ate on the floor.
Now it’s clean lines and neat coffee tables.
Cream leather couches and women who click when they walk.
I used to go barefoot.
Drink wine while I cooked. Fall asleep on the sofa.
Clean lines. No clutter. I should feel free.
But beige just isn’t me.
Maybe I’m dead already
I feel you walking on my grave
I shout and scream but no one hears
No one cares.
I’m a corpse among the living
But not the pretty sugar skull, kind.
I’m ignored. Muted. Paused.
Can anyone hear me ? Anyone ?
When did it happen ?
When was my last laugh ? My last guttural outburst?
It’s all dampened down now.
Hush. Hush. Hush.
No matter how hard I dance for you all
I feel you have written me off
Bit by bit by obituary.
Listen to your guts
Those wrenching, clenching, squelching knots they make.
They’re telling you something,
You may not want to hear.
I doubted their bubbling ways.
Told myself that all was well
That memories are just playing with bile
But all the while
They knew your untruths.
You lied to my face and it believed you
But my entrails are less naive.
So next time I hear that rumble
I won’t mistake it for thunder
But I will know a storm is coming.
I thought we had movie love
The kiss in the rain feel no pain kind
Run down the streets shouting my name
Fight monsters and beasts
Just to see me.
But no ever-after, for us .
Ours is the tragic kind
The one you wish you could rewind
Less flame more fog
The sad, silent type of film
And I’m not sure if you’re speaking
Or if I need subtitles
And it’s all just too much to watch
I want to look away
But my eyes are glued to this scene
Will it ever end ?
Reeling.Reeling. I’m reeling.