Love’s fat weight is resting in my torso
A lolloping dollop of a hefty heart
Much too much to carry .
All the fat of yesterday’s joy so entrenched in coronory tract,
That I require a stent.
A scratching off.
A bludgeoning of debris too hardened to come away in the night.
Yours is glass.
Rubbed away easy.
A crime without grime.
Can I change mine now for a lighter model ?
One that beats with ease ?
Pretty please ?
Plastic fantastic or maybe elastic ?
Either way not lead, not filled with dread
Can I have yours instead ?
Little by little like the wild colours of Fall….your love leaves me.
Ah but there is always that last storm
The one that takes too much at once
And I am left bare and skeletal
A dark frame against a pale grey light.
Soon though. Very soon
There will be a budding and a bloom
No room for curled up love , the one that rots in the grass where once our bodies lay entwined.
No soon there will be renewal
And you won’t recognise this frame
I will be full to brim. Lush with new love
While you will disappear under Spring’s new life.
Mulch for the life that you left.
One of these days I’ll learn to cut instead of hack
To pull instead of yank
To read the signs and run
Stop when it isn’t fun.
If he’s mean just let him loose.
Just do it. Do it. DO IT !!!
Instead I wait for a change
And in the process become deranged.
Push and poke until they cool
See me as nothing more than fool.
Maybe I need them to hate me
Maybe it’s the only way I’ll cut free.
Because if I love I can’t just stop
No matter how much you deserve the chop.
I have boundaries made of muslin cloth
Thin, flimsy only useful for wiping drool
I let everyone in and under.
Not so much a boundary as a blanket
All are welcome.
The good, the bad the meaner the better
I’ll keep you warm… ish.
And you’ll lie … with me then to me.
But as the frost sets in you will look for warmer cloth
Blankets made of stronger stuff
One that says enough is enough.
Mine stretches until it snaps.
I wanted it all in a neat little box
Not scattered about like the remnants of a Christmas popper.
I wished to have dignity and be better this time
It’s all gone wrong you see?
There is no cellotape for this tear
No ribbon to make nice.
Nothing but ice.ice.
It’s cold behind your back.
You block out all the sun.
But never mind , soon I will run.
I grow tired of trying to tidy
What am I really fighting for anyway ?
A shrug ? Another lie?
Why do I even try ?
Your veins were thick with it when I met you
I felt no fire.
You are nothing but vampire
And I have been bled blind.
Lord grant me nothing as I did not believe
I only came to you when the rains came.
Lord fill me with nothing
Because that’s exactly what I did for you.
Am I so brazen to think that just because I ask you will listen ?
Give and I shall receive?
But I didn’t and don’t.
I wore this life out with not a thought for later
Not exactly a hater
But no great lover either.
The people I cared for , I did so with ease
Certainly not to please.
The good deeds I did were for my own pleasure
Memories I treasure
I did nothing too taxing or grand
Nothing that will change this land
This earth will take me back unchanged by my mark
Not brighter just stark.
So as I call out your name in writhing pain
And ask for release.
Don’t listen. Don’t give me peace.
I’m not a believer, I didn’t pray
It shouldn’t be different on my last day.
On a day like this I go the extra mile
For a smile
A little more lippy
So you can’t see the pain
You might even think I’m vain.
“Nothing wrong with you , you look fine”
But I’m good at faking it
Years of honing
I have it down to a fine art.
I play the part well
To conceal my hell.
So if you see my in the street
I may seem really cheery
But inside I’m nothing but weary.