There is a ragged breath that rasps its way out just before sleep beckons
It speaks of trapped thoughts let out like a cat into the night.
I am never exhaling with the full force of my lungs
Not until that moment in the dark where frantic wisps of all the itchy things I’ve done burst forth and dance on my covers.
It’s the shit show and I’m front row.
No clapping here as I cover my eyes with trembling fingers.
All I see are shards of the day
Here now to pierce my soul as they rip through my guts
Their incessant replaying of all the things I would rather forget.
Their beautifully ugly embellishments bringing heat to my cheeks over and over.
Nowhere to go but clamber back behind the curtain of my sleeping eyes
To the tepid waters of my longterm brain
There they shall remain
Each day honing their skills to cut the heart of me right from under my nose
Even in slumbering repose.
Does she move around on golden slippers?
Filigree patterns cast about the cobbles as she walks?
Is her hair sunrise ? Her eyes the chocolate we used to share ?
Do her fingers weave coloured threads for your bed
So that her skin touches only delicate cloth when you lay her down.
She must have silk for skin
And breasts made of pure ivory
Her lips must taste like fire
Her flesh the very amber you put on my ring.
She must be angel and devil’s breath
Cast in a mold of the purest gold.
Always young, never old
Pure of thoughts but also bold.
Why else have you left me Sir?
Why else do you dither?
She doth bloom while I must wither.
You’re pushing me
One more inch and I’ll be over that wall…
One more pinch..
Another layer will form.
So do it if you dare.
Turn on me.
But when you look back
You will see nothing but a tower
And I won’t let down my hair.
I love you
But you’re blemish free
Too perfect for me
Too smooth, too soft
I look for broken skin because I live in the cracks
But there is no shelter for me on your porcelain cover
Nowhere to hide, no freckle to make me safe
And though I strove for perfection
I realise now it has no colour .
I tripped over your disapproval today
It was on the floor and in the air
I breathed it in and out
It coated the bones and veins of me
Made me sluggish, afraid to move.
I couldn’t get past it
I couldn’t leave the house
It’s vice like fingers dug into my shoulder
Oh I wish I was bolder.
I wish I could kick instead of trip
I longed for you through inky night and harsh sunlight
I called on the stars to help me.
I summoned the winds to bring you near.
My every thought was spattered with you
Scattered by you.
Your effervescent tongue had awakened every nerve.
I felt flooded by your spirit
Engulfed by your soul.
And then it stopped.
And you called.