Do WHAT you can, WHEN you can

I fell asleep last night on the couch at 8 pm (Like a boss)! My husband and son worked their way around me and I knew I should wake up. I knew I should try to wash the dishes, put a wash on. But I couldn’t.

Had I run a marathon ? Had I been cleaning all day ? Nope. I was exhausted plain and simple. Except it’s predictably cliched in that it’s never simple and I always feel so fucking guilty.

I had such good intentions for this last week. I wanted to clean more, walk more , write more, pack more boxes for our imminent move. Be more sprite than shite. Instead I had back pain, dizzy spells and always encroaching exhaustion.

That was my bad Endometriosis week. And I’m lucky. The pain was not agonizing like I’ve heard it can be for others. But the dizziness … and the lack of energy. Well these are the things that disrupt my life. And I try the tough love on myself. I’m not going easy on myself. This was another comment from a helpful family member.

Easy on myself? She doesn’t know me at all !

Anyway less ranting this week.

Instead let me tell you about my visit to a friend who has Endo. Way more severe than me. She can’t have kids and her ovary is fused to her stomach. But she had more compassion and understanding for me than anyone I know ( Bar my wonderful husband and Bff- I am very lucky). I will leave you with her words of true Endo wisdom:

“Don’t fookin apologise for yourself, don’t look for validation of your illness from anyone else and don’t waste your little energy trying to please people.

Do WHAT you can , WHEN you can and fuck em.

She is my guru. xxx

Thanks for reading. Hope you are doing the best you can when you can and if not the best … that’s fucking ok too 😀

(c) Slumpless

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Sweet Streets

How sweet the pavement seemed today

I licked it as I walked.

Consumed the lemon light

It’s zesty beams resting lightly in my mouth.

I’m leaving you see..

And nothing makes the street seem sweeter

Than knowing that soon I will walk it no more

Those trudging,weighted steps of yesterday

Seem so far away.

A hop, skip and a lump in my throat

I will miss the smiling man on his bike

The old, shuffling lady with her bowled over gait

And most of all,

I will miss you.

The streets where you live.

Where your candy kisses coated my tongue

And your sherbert eyes still fizzle in my brain.

(C) Slumpless

Bigger Me

Where do I draw the line ?

When does being the bigger person, make you feel small ?

Another apology on righteous ears

To stop my tears ?

Is it brave to forgive ?

Better to forget and live ?

Maybe courage is just letting go

Of something old,borrowed and blue.

You.

(C) Slumpless

Standby Me

I was just an option

A page in your twirling filofax

Spin.Spin. Spin.

Did I win ?

Is it me today ?

I had torn the pages out of my book

Burnt some of them.

For you.

You were it.

For me.

A,B,C all the way to Xxx

Now I’ve got the hump

I feel like a chump.

Again.

(C) Slumpless

Confetti

The sharp, piercing blade of your mouth

Shredded me to confetti

I was airborne. Torn.

Was it better to be scattered though?

Perhaps the pieces of me held together by comfortable glue

Were now going places.

Each tiny, fluttering scrap had eyes to see.

More vision than the old me.

And when this ache of being hacked up fades

All the tiny fragments will return to the fold

And I will be wiser, braver and bold.

(C) Slumpless

Confession

It’s not tidy this depression thing

You can’t wrap me up in cellophane

Mask the pain.

I won’t react or act the way I should

Do the things a proper depressed person could

Slit my wrists or cut my arms

My depression lacks those usual harms.

But I will definitely push you away.

Get angry when you judge my ways.

Because depression isn’t what the leaflet says.

It comes in all sorts of wrapping

A hard crash of the skull or an incessant nagging.

I’m sorry if I can’t be the one you save

By encouraging me to remain brave

By telling me to try to get out of bed

Any advice on how to leave my head?

So let’s call this a true confession

From me to you about my depression

It’s not neat certainly not light

So don’t get annoyed if I don’t get it right.

(C) Slumpless

Hi Tide

It wasn’t just the salt on my skin

The golden shimmer on the rippling shore

It wasn’t my immersion into cool sloshing waves

Nor the sweet grip of the tide on my back.

I lay, bobbing on the ever changing surface

And felt the swell take over me.

It wasn’t just the swimming

It was the giving of myself to a power greater than my limbs could fathom

The surrender to a pull that knows no end

Ruled by moon perhaps but I prefer the tilting theory

A basin tipped by a whirling sphere

A sphere tipped by an unknow hand.

So I dove under.

Forgot the orange peel that had beached me for years

The uneven tone of a too many wobbling folds.

I swam. I swam. I swam.

I was mermaid for a day until the dusky touch of a falling sun

Beckoned me back to shore.

(C)Slumpless