I remember everything.
Everything you said
Over and over in my head
Like a gramophone gone rogue
I would be highly accomplished were you an encyclopedia
I could recite you back to front
Instead I hold the secrets of you quiet
Let them burn holes in my pockets
I am wealthy with you
Loaded with the jewels of your soul
I have read the lines on your skin a million times.
Then why do I feel so stupid ?
“I tawt I taw a puttycat”
But your mews were dampened-down growls
A warning to softened feathers
That one bite and I would be gone.
But I’m no birdie either
I’ll tweet a little but watch me soar
I have no time for snarl or roar.
I sing to the moon while you choose to howl
All is fair betwixt cat and fowl.
And the heavens prefer my voice
It’s not like you don’t have a choice.
Perhaps not your stripes, but you could sing too.
Bellow your song out into the blue.
But you would rather chew
If you suck marrow
You are left with bone.
So bare your teeth if it makes you feel brave
But while I fly over mountains
You dwell in a cave.
They made a choice
The forbidden fruit of the loins
Started the clock ticking on their own immortality
Energy is neither created or destroyed but transformed.
Slowly the growing of another human
Was inversely proportional to their own longevity
Perhaps they never had a choice
That urge to touch is greater than the will to live forever
Eden was growth and enough for two
Love and its human display
Was consuming. Consumption.
But that’s not evil.
There was no devil in our making.
Just change. Just an natural inclination to bloom.
Let us stop searching for their garden
It was fleeting.
Let us grow our own.
As Adam farmed so must we.
For every child a tree
Or two , or three.
Grow our own humans.
Grow our own Eden.
I used to melt
I was puddle to your shining light
Now I all I see is the sun bouncing off your head
Your mysterious smile
Was just a sneer.
How strange !
How my heart deceived me.
I used to feel.
I think my brain vibrated to every beat of your heart
When I must have believed you had one.
Now it’s just static.
But what a delight. What a delicious relief
My body moves to its own beat, its own heat.
Now if I fall it’s only for a real rock. Not a stone.
Don’t press her buttons
Then tell her she’s crazy.
Don’t let her do everything
Then make her feel lazy.
Don’t make her cry
Then call her a moan
Don’t not listen
Then wonder why she groans.
Don’t shut her out
Then ask her why she pouts.
Don’t be a dick
And watch that mean mouth.
Don’t call her a bitch
When she won’t have sex
Don’t not call her
And wonder why she’s vexed.
So many don’t s
So much to remember
But don’t worry if you can’t
She ‘ll be gone by December
Bring me cider and crisps
And those little biscuits I love
I want to sit by the river
And drink like we used to.
Run your fingertips up my arm
Just to the top of my shoulder
Each day getting bolder
And kiss like we used to.
Let the sun burn my neck
What the heck ?
I was destined to leave either way.
Let us lie side by side
In the meadow deep and wild
Look me in the eyes and pretend we have forever
Just like we used to.
Please, like we used to.
I say your name but there is no reverberation.
The universe just won’t play ball
The ground shrugs its shoulders.
It knows better too.
I close my eyes and try to remember softness
But my heart is laughing
And suddenly I am laughing too
There is no you. There never was.
Just a series of blips falling somewhere on alien ears.
There are no bits or bytes
No silly fights
Just a silence made lighter by your absence
And a life lived so much better without your acid making it bitter.
I mourn the flesh of her
The weighty warmth of smooth limbs on my back
The delicate scent of hair in my mouth.
I miss the teeth of her.
The laugh she kept for me
The languid repose of her on a Sunday morning.
I miss her mind of course
But it is the flesh of her that leaves its searing emptiness in my soul.
I hug a pillow but it gives beneath my touch
And it is cold.
I wonder is she cold too ?
I close my eyes but all I see is bone. Bones.
The smooth skin going,going. Gone.
It’s all wrong. Without her.
Why do my lungs not give up ?
I think my heart has.
I cannot read others’ emotions
They weigh too heavy on me
The words nestle too long in my sad soul
I cannot take in extra luggage
I cannot carry the heaviness of a thousand writers
All I can do is emit, expel to propel.
I can only hope that a lighter heart can share my burden or at least let my words wash through them.
I am much too much a sieve.
I am too easily spent with others
I found perturbed slumber in between the craggy folds of an old blanket
Nestled into a dark room wishing it were smaller.
Only a cocoon would do the trick ,
Tighten around me and let me rest while I grew and changed.
Instead I settle for fitful sleep
Where all the lies you ever told
Make me see there was no baseline with you.
“Hello”, could mean anything.
The intent of your very smile
Will keep me wondering.
But only for a while.
I squandered my dreams on you already
And it’s giving me no good answer, no peace.
So I make my own.
No need for you to explain.
I understand more than you think
And I think more than you can ever understand.
I know what you are. Not of my earth or air.
I would dissect you further but I really don’t care.
I carried marbles when I was with you
I held tiny , the worlds that I should have lived
But when I let go and they scattered
I wasn’t empty. I wasn’t shattered.
I watched each roll about its shiny way
And I knew I would be ok
I hadn’t lost my marbles
I had set them free
Tiny worlds away from thee
Little spheres of perfect glass
To show me the insignificance of what did pass
There was never an us
Just you. Just me.
I didn’t lose my marbles
I set them free.
This time I take full blame
For playing your game.
I can’t pretend I didn’t see the outcome
Oh and out it came.
The beautiful, searing truth.
The kind that wakes you in the night with disbelief.
I did that before.
How could you be so … so…
So fucking awful. So fucking you.
So fucking what ?
There are no surprises.
So I take full blame.
Add it to the list
Of things that keep happening
With a narcissist.