The glass lunchbox I borrowed
Had its own status
Set above the peevish plastic of my own foolish purchases.
He picked it for his lunch
The kids chose it for snacks
Somehow it tasted better.
It shone outside of the dishwasher.
While its counterparts became glum and lost their gloss, it just continued to sparkle.
It was better. Better at everything.
A glimpse into a kitchen where everything had its own seamless role
While mine just melted and lost its shape.
An audience with you
That’s how I feel
All at me.
Ta da.Ta da. Ta daaaa….
Oh wait. Should I clap ?
I’m sorry I zoned out.
Thirty I’s ago.
How am I ?
No you didn’t ask ?
And if you do, I see your eyes glaze over.
Well that’s ok because I’m fine.
I have a mute button too.
And all I see is your mouth.
As if we’re in water.
But where I used to sink.
I now swim upwards for air.
There are those who are not aware
Who gobble up air
Like it was all theirs for the taking
Who take whomping big skips that leave the ground shaking.
They get all up in our space
Right up in your face.
Fuck you. I live here too.
Close your mouth when you chew.
Don’t pick that zit on the bus.
Sweet fucking Jesus !
Stop a minute and see
It’s not just you.
And him. And her.
Not just a blur.
You think therefore you are ?
Or have you not thought that far ?
Well now is the time to open your eyes
See the world not the lies.
This life isn’t a selfie or a pic
So quit being a dick.
You are a half beat between the thuds
A low hum behind the melody
A trickle of shadow on scorching ground
I will move towards you in the darkness
And my time will stagger to your glassy pace
A clink. A clunk. A jangle.
I crawl into cracks for you. To be with you.
I turn life on its head to be in your bed.
Thud. Ud.Thud. Ud. Thud.Ud.
That’s my heart in my ears
It’s all I hear.
You slash your way out of my skin
And it takes time to heal.
But I’m a self-harmer
My blade is a charmer.
You have a squeak in your shoe
And it breaks my heart
I think maybe your feet are wet
And I imagine your cringe at every step.
The sound is deafening
And I wonder how your day must be going?
It can only get better
I will take over your senses with relentless sound
Sing you to sleep then whisper you awake.
I will camp on your tongue, spooning only velvet texture down your throat.
Your skin will be oiled smooth, by my hands
And when you hear a song you will think only of me.
Taste ,touch ,sight all will be my plight…
I will make you forget the moon and the sun
And when I finally become your everything..
I will run
Only the faint memory of a million kisses will set your hair on end.
This is what I do my friend.
I blind you with my heat
Deafen your senses.
Leave. You grieve.
I have a reckless soul
One that doesn’t know what’s good for the cage.
War and rage
Never end on a whimper
Always a clash.
Always a battle between
Flesh and beast.
No winners. Not me at least.
I see our lives as infinite
A love that will never end
And you ?
You can’t even be friends.
It’s a hard sell to see it my way…
Little by little like the wild colours of Fall….your love leaves me.
Ah but there is always that last storm
The one that takes too much at once
And I am left bare and skeletal
A dark frame against a pale grey light.
Soon though. Very soon
There will be a budding and a bloom
No room for curled up love , the one that rots in the grass where once our bodies lay entwined.
No soon there will be renewal
And you won’t recognise this frame
I will be full to brim. Lush with new love
While you will disappear under Spring’s new life.
Mulch for the life that you left.
One of these days I’ll learn to cut instead of hack
To pull instead of yank
To read the signs and run
Stop when it isn’t fun.
If he’s mean just let him loose.
Just do it. Do it. DO IT !!!
Instead I wait for a change
And in the process become deranged.
Push and poke until they cool
See me as nothing more than fool.
Maybe I need them to hate me
Maybe it’s the only way I’ll cut free.
Because if I love I can’t just stop
No matter how much you deserve the chop.
I have boundaries made of muslin cloth
Thin, flimsy only useful for wiping drool
I let everyone in and under.
Not so much a boundary as a blanket
All are welcome.
The good, the bad the meaner the better
I’ll keep you warm… ish.
And you’ll lie … with me then to me.
But as the frost sets in you will look for warmer cloth
Blankets made of stronger stuff
One that says enough is enough.
Mine stretches until it snaps.
I wanted it all in a neat little box
Not scattered about like the remnants of a Christmas popper.
I wished to have dignity and be better this time
It’s all gone wrong you see?
There is no cellotape for this tear
No ribbon to make nice.
Nothing but ice.ice.
It’s cold behind your back.
You block out all the sun.
But never mind , soon I will run.
I grow tired of trying to tidy
What am I really fighting for anyway ?
A shrug ? Another lie?
Why do I even try ?
Your veins were thick with it when I met you
I felt no fire.
You are nothing but vampire
And I have been bled blind.
Lord grant me nothing as I did not believe
I only came to you when the rains came.
Lord fill me with nothing
Because that’s exactly what I did for you.
Am I so brazen to think that just because I ask you will listen ?
Give and I shall receive?
But I didn’t and don’t.
I wore this life out with not a thought for later
Not exactly a hater
But no great lover either.
The people I cared for , I did so with ease
Certainly not to please.
The good deeds I did were for my own pleasure
Memories I treasure
I did nothing too taxing or grand
Nothing that will change this land
This earth will take me back unchanged by my mark
Not brighter just stark.
So as I call out your name in writhing pain
And ask for release.
Don’t listen. Don’t give me peace.
I’m not a believer, I didn’t pray
It shouldn’t be different on my last day.